Odd

I've been wondering this before but I'm wondering it again. When my ex is here I get "numb" and am unable to do anything useful. And when he leaves it takes day or two before I get my normal self back.

What there is in him which makes that? As anyway I enjoy his company.

New look

For some reason I had to modify this. Ok, I had a reason: I just want to have at least a bit similar blog than my home page is.

At least this style supports HTML better in Recent entries page than Tranquility did.

Something is missing but... I'll modify more later.

---

Good night

While laying in my bed and listening my downstairs neighbour's snoring I had this thought. Nothing fancy, I just noticed that my misanhtropy is really getting worse. I assume.

"Karl" said it:



Maybe I just have these phases when it's better not to feel very much, as otherwise there'd be catastrophy.

Bad luck

..or bad reading, but there's always next year.

Yes, I didn't get in.

Men...

Or humans.

Well, he seems to be in bad phase of life now - problems at work etc. and it's possible that he ends his contract.
Yes, I should be happy if that happens. Well, in a way I'm, but I also know how much he waited from that job. Seeing his disappointment hurts.

Then he has this odd mania that he needs more money to support himself. He has enough of it already, at least in my opinion, and I just don't know how to convince him that he/ we wont starve no matter what happens.

I understand very well that he's afraid of moving, but he should also realize that he will lose me if he doesn't keep his word. And we agreed two months ago that after his contract ends he'll come.

I'm bit confused.

****

Left mean voice message to his answering service as he haven't kept our contract to let another one know if one can't come online...

Have to see what happens and when...

Patience

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you
I'm still alright to smile
---
I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear

Sometimes I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time...
---
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
---
You and I've got what it takes
To make it, We won't fake it,
I'll never break it
'cause I can't take it...

What can I say? I promise to come back when I'm bit less depressed. Hormonal cycle and long-distance relationship aren't good mix.

Dreams

My dreams have been interesting lately. Nothing fancy in them but they're getting repetitive.

Basic pattern is: Sonnenschein comes and we spend time with my family - and everyone likes him.
Maybe that is just wishful thinking, but I really do hope that my family likes him - as I know how *beeb* my father can be. He said enough, too much when I was with A. and I wont forget things like that. Hopefully he understands who I choose if I have to.

Last night was odd because we were in a place which was my grandad's - odd thing is that he's dead, been last 11 years, but in that dream he lived in there.
And my brother weren't there, at least I can't remember seeing him in that dream...

Apparently my dream showed me who are those people I hold close in my family: my mom and sis (and grandad). My father was in that dream but he wasn't visible, he was only a voice.

And Sonneschein... his skin felt so good, it felt so good to be close to him. His smile was so beautiful. And which is as important: he came. Second dream where he clearly comes to here. Even I may sound delirious... that looks like a good omen.



And... congrats sis! Happy birth and name day - even it's not your exact date of birth today. One big step behind now.

Name-giving celebration coming....

Yes, my sis is finally changing her name and that gave me good excuse to stitch something awfully cute. ^^




That will be card for her. I've been planning with my mom that I make an apron to her... with



It's hard to imagine that she collects Hello Kitty?
- - -
I was thinking at night when I was stitching that I really need to have a kid. And why is it so?

I want to stitch overly cute designs, that's why. (It's hard to beat my reasoning sometimes...)

Surprises

Yesterday's bombings in London raised some conversation in one forum I reside in, and after giving my condolences I replied to one person's post... I was waiting for witch pyres or something similar but... it seems that people really understood what I was after with my posting.
I have to confess that it's not what I expected, but I'm not complaining.

I do know how it feels to wait information of someone important after terrorist attack. Yes, Sonnenschein lives in Madrid vicinity and studied in Madrid in that time, so it's easy to calculate 1+1= 3/11.(In fact it's bit odd that even I don't know anyone I know people who have been nearby 9/11, 3/11 and 7/7.)

Yes, I have to confess that he was bit too important for me even back then... Yikes, I'm immoral.

And I miss him. *sigh*

Wow!

Postal services really do work. I received today a parcel which was sent to me from U.S.A. in Saturday.

This means that I'm doing my happy dance today - as I just saved ~70 € and got huge pile of mouline.

to Debbie for her kindness.

*sigh*

6 months and one day.

I miss him so. In fact I miss him too much.

11 weeks.

*removed ticker*

One sentence

...gave me the courage to open my mouth in 4th of January.

"I'd like to deserve your smiles."

Odd thing is that I just realized it. Without that sentence I wouldn't have had strength to say him that I want him.
I assume that even he doesn't understand power behind that sentence, or that it's possible that we weren't we now if he'd have left it unsaid.

After that he has really deserved my smiles - and my tears. He really seems to be worth of them. And worth of my love.

Thank you Sonnenschein.
Te amo.

26

I'd want only one thing for my birthday, even I know it's not possible now.

Right now I'd like to be under my blanket laying next to my Sonnenschein. Spend whole day just staring into his eyes.

Yes, I do miss him. In fact I miss him so dearly... He has been so like that man I fell in love with lately that I miss him even more than I should. But I'm happy that he has been more open, I know that it's hard for him. Apparently he believes nowadays that I wont go away. That means quite much to me.

I have to say that nowadays when someone says that one's not seeing one's partner in few weeks and they "just don't know how to survive" I'd like to say few words but I don't do it. They wouldn't get it anyway.
They wouldn't get that there's worse faith than love someone who live near you and is usually there. They don't understand how it feels when there's thousands of kilometers between you and your loved one, when there's whole continent between... when there's two hurted ones in it it's even harder. But, we've survived six months now. And little by little I'll believe that it's real. That he really loves me and wont go away.
And to be honest, I don't regret a day. What is few months of pain when you have possibility to be happy for the rest of your life?

But still... I want him here.

Unbelievable.

Right after I finished my latest entry Sonnenschein came online. Why?

M: 0nly one simple thing, minä rakastan sinua
- - -
M: I´m tired as hell but I wanted to see you
- - -
M: You deserve it and much more

Simply amazing as he's not usually man of great words.

He made me very happy, once again.

Greetings from Tallinn

I just came home from Tallinn. (I've been awake last 34 hours) Sitting before my comp and sipping some honey liqueur (which is quite good, btw).

It seems to me that Tallinn is hybrid of Budapest and Helsinki. Don't know why I haven't realized that before. Anyway, it's bit akward as I love it and hate it in the same time.
Today I hated Old Tallinn as it's tourist season and there were so many people... Though we (Me, my sister and my mom) found this nice little (and silent!) restaurant from there and had great lunch.

Yes, it was (partly) my birthday trip - and we had quite nice time.

Now I just need my Sonnenschein here. Have some liqueur with him and just be together...

I just realized something.

When I was married P. used to be that one who talked about having a family and how great it'd be. Anyway when we were in public he usually put his words in a way which was quite contradictory: it was me who wanted to have a family and in fact I was forcing him to have a family asap.

And I was one who felt guilty. Frigging great.

Humans.

I think I've proved that I was right about one person's intentions. Which is not really nice as we were friends so long...

Once again long story, over ten years in fact, so I don't even go it trough.
Anyway, he send me SMS in January. And he seemed to be almost happy when he heard that I was divorcing, he promised to write me a letter. Then I mentioned that I've someone in my life. I haven't heard him since.

So, what this tells about him? Exactly. Nowadays I'm sure that only reason in me which really mattered in me was.... My body. (Ok, I have nice ass and great pair of breasts but so?)And because I'm in a relationship he knows he can't have me -he tried it when I was married- so there's no need to be in contact with me... How can someone be that shallow?

This is good place to do awkward transition and talk about...

Looks.

I've noticed that females have problems with me. With my looks. They seem to feel inferiority... And I don't get it as I'm very unlike I "should" be according to general aspect of beauty. I'm not delicate, thin, long haired, cute etc..
And still... females have problems with me, no man has ever said anything bad about my looks.

When I walk out there I don't even try to be attractive (I do use make-up in case someone is wondering, but I use it because of me) but I know I'm. Maybe it's because I smile and I love myself even I have excess kilos, and my hair style is just personal in this world with long-haired women.

Part of attractivity definitely is fact that I'm in love. I love, I'm loved and it shows. People want to have that feeling too and that's why they're attracted to me.

In fact it's bit crazy.

*sigh*

For once I hope that it would be sunny day.

In edge of despair with this feeling of missing him and it's cold and dark outside.
One of these days when only wise thing to do would be cuddling with your loved one in warm bed. I really miss those moments.

...those moments when you lay on bed --- with your loved one, close to that another person and completely quiet. Just be there and feel the closeness. In those moments world disappears.

I need him here, now.

Morning.

This is one of these days. In fact it begun last night. Missing him so overwhelmingly that - once again - I have no words for describing it.

Last night I felt him behind me, his warmth against my back, his arm around me.
Power of imagination is surprising. Right now I can feel his lips in my neck, warmth of his breathing on my skin... I sound bit delirious, don't I? But who said that love is form of sanity? (It's sanest and insanest thing in human life.)

When I got up from my bed and came to living room it started to rain. It described my inner sensation quite well.

His pic is watching me from my monitor. I should put it off as it almost makes me feel worse to look at that cute face, but I can't as I miss him, I want to be with him and pic is better than nothing.
(How anyone that serious can be that cute?)

Yup, I'm one insane thing.

Celibacy

It's almost my celibacy's six months anniversary (28th of June).

I haven't been in celibacy this long since I became sexually active (In other words after I "lost" my virginity). Which is odd as I have never been one-night-stand type. Ok, I have had my one nighters but without sex, so I assume they're not exactly one nighters to most...

Anyway, it has been a surprise how easy this has been. Surprise because I'm relatively sexual person, some would say that I'm nymphomaniac - which is more or less true. I just happen to enjoy sex.
With right person it's something... beyond description. But in that case it's love making and I'm not satisfied with anything less anymore - as nowadays I know that I've been always right in that matter.
That is something I learnt during my marriage. It takes great love to have great sex life.

Anyway, this celibacy has been very interesting experience as I've realized few things about power of human mind. One of those is that it's possible to make love with the person you love, even he's far away, as long as he's in your heart and mind. Of course nothing beats that feeling when you have your beloved next to you, feel his warmth and smell his scent.
In fact one huge part of love making is when after those about million orgasms you lay next to your loved one, caress his face and adore his beauty. That's something I miss... And lack of that is greatest defect in masturbating, physical loneliness after enjoyement.

So, I really don't miss sex. I miss making love with him even I don't know how it'll be... I miss his touch, warmth, scent, smile...

Darned. Sonnenschein, why you have to be so far away?