Scent memory

My scent memory seems to be something interesting.

I bought some incenses today. Normal habit, it's sign of coming autumn. I seem to do this almost every year.
Anyway, I like sandalwood so I bought one packet of sandalwood incense sticks... light it up at home and...

It reminded me of A.. I didn't even remember that he smelled like sandalwood (his apartment smelled like sandalwood too) before now.

I don't miss him. It's not about that, but things came into my mind from last year.
It's almost year since I met A.. It's odd how time passes...

And still no sign of Sonnenschein in here.

Started to wonder how A. is nowadays. Haven't heard from him since May.

Spices as dyes.

Well, they came out great.

   

   

   

:)

It was good to complain. I'm hungry.

Blaah...

I don't like this. I think I'm anemic as everything annoys me and I'm just so friggin' tired all the time. Everything feels so lame and I couldn't care less.

Of course it'd be better for my possible anemia if I could still remember why people eat... as it seems that I've really forgot it.
I ran around the city 5 hours with two apples and cup of coffee as my energy sources. Those were only things I consumed in first ten hours of this day.
When I came home I ate little bit of fish, as I knew I had to. I was not hungry. I haven't been hungry in ages. Nor I have felt need to eat in ages.
When I eat, I eat because I have to eat to keep myself going.

Basically I'm powered by caffeine, H2O, magnesium and vitamin pills. Any other vitamin, energy and micronutrient source doesn't get that often into my body.
OK, I do eat 2-3 apples every day (at least I try to).

I could almost doubt that I'm bit anorectic.
Not physically as I have enough weight to get rid of, at this moment, but mentally... And to be honest, it's quite scary.

I just hope that I can keep myself in good enough shape not to get arhytmias again...

And I really do hope that I'll find my eating skills again. I know I'm not very nice person currently because my brains are lacking almost everything... (Fortunately I eat magnesium. Without it I'd be raving lunatic.)

At times like this I almost feel pity for Sonnenschein. He have to listen my stupidities and moping. But what wouldn't man do for love?

Anyway: Graah.

*note to self: learn to eat.*

Spices.

I played with my paprika (what ever it's in English?) supply and dyed some aida and little amount of floss with it.
Now I just have to wash them... and see how well that colour stays.

Official Useless Link.

Could You Pass 8th-Grade Math?

I do that later, now I'm way too tired and... flegmatic.

Btw, I'm anemic because I'm menstruating and I'm quite good at imitating Niagara falls...

Kids, once again.

Few neighbourhood's kids are playing down below on the yard, I saw them from window while I was going to kitchen to make my morning coffee, and I noticed interesting thing in me.
They made me smile. This warm sensation came into my heart, this knowledge that I want to have a family. (And of course I've been thinking about Sonnenschein since... even I promised myself not to think about him today. Yes, I mope. )

Not today, but sooner or later.

This is quite odd in that sense that it doesn't hurt to think about kids. I haven't got happy thoughts about kids since... I don't even remember. Usually they have to do with "*sigh* I'd like to become a mom but this friggin' syndrome..."

\o/

Maybe most women wouldn't be happy but... my periods came once again.
Though my cycle was 76 days (once again) but at least my body is able to do something without extra hormones. And I will be almost an angel next few days.
These are fine moments (though my body is sore....).

Desperation.

I've got addicted to one pic I got few days back. Normal pic, but why I've got addicted to it is...

That smile. Sonnenschein's smile.

Yes, I'm teen, but who cares?

*sigh*

I just miss him so.

Exchangeholism

Yes, it seems that I'm exchange-a-holic.

I'm currently in three forthcoming exchanges, one of them doesn't have to include stitched piece but I think I'll do something small to my 'secret pal' in that exchange too...

I know it sounds crazy, but I've always liked giving and getting gifts and this is great way to give, get and have a good reason (or excuse) to spend my time stitching.

Relationship update.

After almost moping to eachothers about two hours online we had quite nice time in the end.

Crisis is not over, but I feel quite good.

I think (and really hope) that we'll survive.

And I've to work with certain personal issues of mine...

It seems that my estrogen levels are down. I've been freezing since I woke up. (Maybe I just shouldn't jump around naked whole day....) And I've been bit blue.
I'm just living in hope that my periods are coming, it'd be great for a change.

About Sonnenschein.

He has this odd personality trait, which I've noticed earlier and verified yesterday: he tries to protect good things in his life so fiercely that he takes risks of losing those good things.
In a way I can understand it, it has it's own logic, but my logic just doesn't get it.

Hmm....

I heard something quite odd about him today. It doesn't affect to anything but I have to admit that it takes time to get that.

We had quite severe fight because of it. It was good anyway, as it helped me to see what I want.

Things have changed but I want to be with him anyway.

Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm not. Don't know.

Nagging and misc.

Nag, nag, nag. Once again my ovaries try to kill me and I don't like this at all. Two painkillers and still it feels like someone stabbing me... Thanks to my PCOs.

Something good.

Well, we talked about my PCOs yesterday. And we had good conversation, which is something great.
It seems to me that Sonnenschein understands more than he lets me see. Fortunately he showed yesterday that side who understands my feelings about PCOs trough his own 'hate' to it (He seems to hate it because it may ruin, and ruins more or less, my health). And in some odd level he may even understand how I feel about it - of course he can't get it completely because it's not in him, but he tries and that matters most.

And what felt quite good was:

 "If you take me as I'm I'll take you as you're." (After he asked am I aware of that fact that quite many men could run away because of this... Odd question to make now, as he has knew about my PCOS for months.)

Ok, that is, or it should be, basic thing in relationship but I know this guy and that sentence had so much in between the words...

Once again I remember why I love that man.
He has some personality traits which I don't have words for, I only feel them when I notice them... quite unbelievable he is.

Even more...

I finished these so fast that I can't believe it.

   

Some day they'll be keychains, and I've one more Yule gift ready - which is great, and they're something receiver wanted to have (odd or not).
And I got some more experience of variegated threads. They're quite nice things to play with.

Btw, Sloe Fairy is finished too.

   

I like this kind of days. I've been quite tired though, but this has been a good day in the end.

I showed Sonneschein's newest pic to my sis and her comment will be good for Sonnenschein's ego. "He does look like Spaniard... not. That guy could be from anywhere..."

Currently I feel almost invincible. Relationship is going quite well, aka. Sonnenschein is talking about us and about moving more than he usually does.
Though he's worrying (For once it's he who worries about everything) about certain things, but fact is that we just can't know certain things before we get together. And then there are certain things he can't handle before he moves, or at least it would be sheer madness to try to take care of them from there.

Have I ever mentioned that he's cute? Physically and mentally.

...and he loves me, me.

Not to mention that I have lost my mind...

Btw,

The Sloe Fairy is soon finished. I got bored to it few weeks back because of those colour shadings -which is main reason why I like Flower Fairies... I just seem to be those ones who are never pleased.

And...

More 'statistics': -7 cm from waist since May. And I just realized that I can feel bones in my shoulders better.
Unfortunately my muscles get more visible too... Woman does not need biceps that big...

Sometimes...

....it'd be so much easier just to hate him.

Well, I'm not exactly a easy person either... I just hate this situation so much...

In fact it looks like that if he's not here soon I'll find myself depressed. I don't want that.
I've been even more oversensitive lately than I'm usually... It doesn't promise anything good.
What else can this be if I don't sleep well, I don't eat regularly in any sense (for example I've ate last time about 12 hours ago... and nothing much when I ate), my memory fails me, I've lost even that little amount of concentration I've had... But this has never happened to me before. I've been able to sleep and eat even when I've been depressed.

Is this why they say that love is torment?

Because it injures your physical and mental health... At least when it's long-distance floating without any exact dates. Currently I just try to keep end of September in my mind. "Then he may be -and hopefully is- in here and everything will be fine."

And I can't understand myself. This is frigging exhausting, but I wouldn't change a day. I wouldn't change anything (Of course there are few disagreements I could take away but...). And even I sometimes do wonder how the hell I can take day after another, I hang on.
And every day I hope that he says "Everything is clear now." and gives me date and flight number... Every day. ~233 everydays, and still counting.

This isn't good even to my menstrual cycle. It's irregular (or non-existent) because of my PCOS, but this situation seems to ruin that little I've from healthy female's life. Haven't got periods since.... June. And it makes me even more unstabile and sensitive.
My hormonal levels seem to have stucked to that bad phase of my cycle when everything sucks.
It's hard to tolerate this feeling even in my normal cycle when it lasts about 2-3 days and now...

It also seems that I'm getting my childhood skin problem back....

It has been raining whole day. And I torture myself (and my neighbours) with this.

The only hope in this endless night
Is to follow you through the shadows of the deepest blue, away from the light
I hear your voice is calling me: "Don't be afraid"
But there's something deep inside of me
Forcing me to turn away
Take my hand, don't turn away, I need you to stay
I know a place where the light and the dark can become as one
This loneliness is killing me
Is there a place we both can live?
You're the dancer in the dark
You're the child of the light
You're the sinner of all time
You're the saint with wings so white
You're the distant shape in the night
You're all the innocence left alive
You're like tainted sun
You're the star shining bright

Exchanges

This cutie came from my floss mom Debbie, whose 'Secret Partner' I was in Single Bookmark Exchange (@EMS Cross Stitch Board).

      

Estimations....

I shouldn't be celebrating yet but at least I got an estimation (With some luck it's one month.).

Sleeping and seasons.

It's bit funny how summer and that much praised light affects to me.
Nowadays, when autumn is behind the corner, and days are getting shorter and shorter I can sleep. Ok, not exactly sleep but I get tired in "normal" time. (I went to bed before midnight and woke up at 3:30, so not very normal rhytm yet, but it's getting there.)

No wonder I love winter.

Sonneschein.

This good thing in my life is always an issue, and it seems that there's always something to say about him.
Well, I'm silly when I'm in love.

Anyway, his moving is getting closer. We don't have any exact dates yet but it's getting close. I just hate not letting myself enjoy it, not yet.
Though there are moments when I'm so overwhelmingly happy because of it that it may be better to try to keep my mind cool.

About living together

Of course I'm bit afraid. I've been living alone for a year and my AS type oddities are getting worse because I can let them get worse. They stayed quite moderate when I lived with my ex (On the other hand, two persons with quite obvious AS/ ADD are never a good mix in certain issues - at least then when they've almost similar symptoms.) as I had to notice other person too - after it I've forgot it and I've to learn it again.

Then there's this 'letting stranger to your territory' thing. Ok, he's not a stranger, but I'm very protective when it comes to my home. (May have to do with fact that my ex mother-in-law tried to get us evicted few years back...) And I'm bit worried, without meaning, that my little oddities are something to laugh at, that I'm not accepted as I am.

He has never lived alone or with someone else than his family. It includes a huge risk for me. I know that he has domestic skills but how good are they in the end? Is he able to learn allergy cooking? That list is endless, beginning from "right" places of dishes in cupboards.... No, I'm not a control freak.

I just want this and I'm afraid of that for some reason I can't get it. (Btw, I played that song quite much in January.)
Of course I want to be able to give that to Sonnenschein too, and to be honest, I'm bit afraid that I can't. Maybe I just demand too much from myself.

It would be so much easier just to get him in here asap and see how it goes. This waiting is worst part in this.

(And I just need him....)

Dreams

Once again he came. And how beautiful his smile was, how happy he was to finally get here. That shy man in black lightened up whole place...

Haven't been listening music in ages (because I just can't) but this is echoing in my head now:

...And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain...

Good day.

DBF (aka. Sonnenschein) finally realized that I'm a granny (or cross stitcher, same thing...) and that makes him a necrophiliac.

Mom.

She made me crepes out of oat flour. Some time ago I was cursing my allergy because I can't eat crepes anymore and now... They were good - in fact I could raid kitchen after writing this entry....

Hello Kitty.

Been stitching whole day that Hello Kitty chef to my sis. White, white and more white. And there's more to come...

I'm almost waiting that day when I can sew the rest of it and give it to her. (Her biggest problem with it is: "How can I use it? It may get dirty....")

What has been up to lately?

Well, as I haven't been updating very much here's little glance to what has been up to lately.

SAL

I participated to one more stich along in Dragonfly Stitches.

Sonneschein

Is -once again- afraid that I leave him, just because I happen to be bit tired to this long-disctance stuff.
Though he knows I can't leave him, and why would I? I love him.
Missing him like hell is just something which belongs to this phase.

I just wait that day when he arrives.

In general.

I've been watching my mom's cats last days. Been stitching like idiot, and haven't got even half of my scheduled tasks done. I just need more hours to a day. (Not to mention that I want my sleeping rhytm and appetite back.)

For some reason it feels that I have more to say, but I just can't remember what I have been saying... so more later.