Dang, I want all of these! And actually almost all of her other designs... I think I found a new favourite designer (yet another).

And then these:

• Winter Silhouette
• Monet's Pond
• Sleepy Hollow
• Snowman Trio
• Passion for Plums

On health front

I finally called to local health centre to book an appointment to my doctor. The first free time was in the end of this month, so we, the nurse and I, decided that I call for an acute appointment in Monday as I really aren't fit enough to work even if I got one and I need a sick leave until the reason of my symptoms is clear and I am feeling like an alive human being again.

I have psychological symptoms, but the physical symptoms point to the possibility of this not being depression, but something I was thinking of before: hypothyroidism.
Actually my mental state doesn't feel "right" to be depression. I have been there, I know what it is.
Admittedly I crashed on the phone earlier this week when arguing with my emplyement counsellor (my current employement counsellor is a real b*tch), but still. Hypothyroidism could explain that too... one of the symptoms on that long, long list is depression.

It would be easy to diagnose, treatable, but chronic... and I have to say that I could live without another chronic illness. On the other hand I hope it would be hypothyroidism, on the other hand I am afraid of it.
But I can't live like this: forgetting everything, losing time, being cranky, living in a fog etc.

Hpmh.

^^

When Masa came to our household 5½ years ago Neko didn't accept him right away, actually it took quite a while... Things have changed quite a bit since: cute, aren't they? ^^

Must shop...

Evil, evil, but I realised that I need a bigger frame for the Spanish Sampler to keep the stitches from squishing. So, I merrily went and bought R & R Craft Frames' 17'' x 17'' frame... and to justify that some 40 count flax Newcastle, because I will be needing it later...

I foresee buying a stand next as a frame that big can strain one's arms quite nicely. Then I think I need to sew a "hugger" for my frame, or all of them (though I think I could play with the idea of making it interchangeable..).

The Spanish Happy Dance! Part I

First part of the Spanish Sampler is now done!

(Once again an upside down picture... but it looked better that way as it didn't lay flat in the scanner...)

Even it is my own design I dare to say that this is beautiful. ^^

Only the monochromatic version left to stitch (luckily it will be faster to stitch).

The Mothers' Day design

As it was given to my mother in Friday here it comes!

Tidbits:

• Design: Mother's Love Grows
• Designer: Lady Periphaeria of Periphaeria Designs
• Fabric: 30 count light green linen
• Floss: Atalie's Shiraz silk
• Notes: Stitched over one with one strand

It's uploaded, go and get yours!

Anti-recommendation

Never ever buy Deltaco's NBCL-1 Notebook Cooler Pad. It will be the stupidest way to burn your money.

I bought the first one about ten months ago and the second one I got when the first broke down is soon unusable because the fans have begun to screech.

It is cheap, for a reason. That reason being: it sucks.

Ouch

I was on the go whole yesterday and now, after 13 hours of sleep and hours of being awake, I still feel like whole battalion of trucks had drove over me and now they are stomping in my sinuses...

It was nice day though. We, my mother and I, went to House & Garden fair - for free, as we got those free tickets - and hiked around the halls for two hours (and ate loads of candy offered by the exhibitors). My mother found what she wanted i.e. infomation on solar panels and all kinds of things she needs to consider when she begins to renovate her cabin around 2010 (she retires 2013 so she needs to get the house in condition to live in even in her retired years (which means: indoor toilet/ shower/ sauna which means that she has to expand her house a bit)).

Then we did some shopping, as she needed new cabin luggage trolley and had found a good offer - and eventually she bought one for me too as mine broke in Thailand and was trashed when I got back to Finland.

She paid the lunch, too, and after that we headed to see her aunt (my great aunt) (whom I hadn't seen in 11 years, I think).
It was nice as the Great Aunt is still very smart and cheery lady even she's 88 years old (of course she has some issues brought by old age, but taking that into account) - though just before we left she got a phone call and we got to hear that my mother's uncle's wife had passed away few days earlier... they can't bury her before May because there's nowhere to bury her (I think they have a family grave and they can't get anyone who has the right to reopen the grave before that). O_o

I was back at home around 22:30 (I left home 9:30 in the morning)...

In addition to everything there's one noteworthy thing: my great uncle is the youngest of the lot and he has just turned 77. My great aunt is 88 years young and she still lives on her own.
Even though my maternal grandmother (their sister) died in age of 48, she may not be taken into account when predicting our lifetime expectancy as it is possible she committed suicide.
Looking at these numbers it is very possible that our mother will live to be 90, as she has always said, which means that she'll be around for next 31 years - with luck she may even see her great grandchildren from my side.

Looking at the numbers, if I am lucky, I will have over sixty years to live from now if I take care of myself. That sounds quite good.

Colours

More tired I am the brighter the colours get?

I finally decided the design for the monochromatic biscornu exchange at FlossMoms and this Dinky Dyes' silk (as you can see it is much brighter in person) just wanted to be used for it.
The biscornu is almost half done.

Let me quote myself:

""Head, say Hello to the wall."

I am afraid that in addition to everything else, my depression has returned.

I have been off of meds for about 5 years and two months, officially I am considered being cured from it because I have been able to function without any help from anyone or anything those five years.

And now... I am disappointed and afraid. Afraid that I really suffer from depression, and that if it has now came back I will never get rid of it completely. I am disappointed because I have tried everything I can imagine to avoid stressing myself too much in order to avoid the depression returning.
I would like to hit someone because one of the possible causes is my asthma, or rather the medication. Like it wouldn't be enough to have load of physical stuff which can kill me untreated, or just for the sake of it, and that now the medication which should keep me well may have caused my depression to return.

I have never been good in asking help from anyone, and now I may have to do it and get into yet another vicious circle of being dependent on chemicals to keep myself going.
Even though I know that it would be beneficiary for me (I would probably get a long sick leave (paid by government) quite easily) to walk to the doctor's I am reluctant to do so.

I don't want to be weak. But I have to be... because at this moment it feels that I am close to the point where my mind just makes nice little snap sound and all hell breaks loose.

I just hate even the thought of getting back to that dark hole I once was in and I am afraid that it ruins everything I have managed to accomplish since the last time."

Asthmatics are 3-4 times more likely to suffer from depression. PCOs women are more likely to suffer from depression and panic attacks than their healthy comparisons. People with prolonged health issues have higher probability to suffer from depression. Cortisone can cause depression. Difficult life situations can cause depression...

What of those does not apply?

I have suffered from memory problems for about a month, I have suffered from loss of interest about the same period of time. I have been more sensitive to any kind of negativity coming from outside world, I have had trouble waking up and/ or feeling awake. I don't have an appetite, but I eat because I am hungry or when my blood sugar goes too low to be tolerated. I have drank excessive amounts of coffee/ day for last month or so.

Either my cortisone dose is too high, which would cause troubles in planning the medication, or then my mind has finally decided to get tired with being physically ill.
Neither sounds like a nice choice. Both will be considered as the cause... if, or, whenever I am able to admit myself that I am not ok, that this is not normal anymore and make the appointment...

Dang, I almost forgot! aka. Pendibulle draw

The pendibulle goes to... comment number two!

Congratulations Angela! I have your address and try to get the pendibulle mailed this week.

The Jade Plant & Monstero

As previously mentioned, my jade plants love it here. They were tiny little plants when my mother brough them. (Both are doing as well, even I only took picture of one.)

(The pot it is in is hand-thrown by me, by the way.)

And, my Monstero (in Finnish Goblin Leaf) has also enjoyed living with me. When my mother brought it here it had only two or three little leaves in it.

(The picture is from yesterday evening as I had to ask from my mother what plant it is - because I seem to be slightly allergic to it. (I am not quite sure will it like the kitchen window as it is very hot, but we'll see.))

Crotty is also making new flower buds at the moment... So, spite of my non-existent green thumb plants which should not success in these longitudes blossom in my care... it makes me wonder why.

Quote

"All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree."
-- Albert Einstein

I have had dreams about going to some of my old schools and finding out that I never actually graduated - or to go to that school I actually never graduated from... - about two years... Last night I graduated, actually before the official date and with excellent grades.

Graduation Dream Symbols:

completing the goal at hand. Moving on to new and better things in your life.

I would just like to know what the goal was... but despite of that, this was a very good sign, /methinks.

A is for April, G is for Goals

As usual strike and green equal a success. Orange is for "put some work to said piece, but not enough for a success", and red goes, as you guess, for a failure.

And the goals for March were:

1. Import at least two old designs (different software) to *.pat/ week.
2. Stitch at least two, and a half, models.
   1. 1½
   
   +
   
   2. Mothers' Day complimentary design
   
   +
   
   3. one humbug
   = 3½

3. Stitch the accompanying piece to one of the latest designs, finish it and send the PIF to $COUNTRY. Half done.
4. Finish and send Terri's ornament. Done!
5. Participate Stitch-A-Thon.
6. Stitch and finish Here's to Ewe piece. Stitched.
7. Grid the Spanish Sampler's fabric before 15th and start TSS. Done!
8. Organize my design tree (it's not a folder, it's a tree).
9. Decide the design for the biscornu exchange at FlossMoms. Kind of decided, I am trying to decide between two designs.

   Additional:

10. Pendibulle tutorial

Didn't I say something about lots of red?

Goals for April are:

1. Stitch rest of the first band of TSS and stitch the monochromatic version (the silks came today!).
2. Finish and send Here's to Ewe piece.
3. Stitch and send monochromatic biscornu to...
4. Stitch the dark humbug, finish both and send them.
5. Finish the secret accompanying piece.
6. Participate Stitch-A-Thon.
7. Apply for the BBA studies.

Happy...

...divorceversary snowprincipessa!

1780

You know how it goes... there is a finishing method you have wanted to try for a while and then someone decides to organize an exchange for that spesific finish...
This means that I have now stitched one humbug on light fabric (I love how it came out) and am still to stitch another one, with the same design and same floss, on dark fabric.
And of course, being me, I have designed the design I use (actually I have also dyed one of the fabrics I use), and, just to make it fun, I have designed additional pieces while stitching the first one and it is becoming a series...

I see the series stitched with certain Crescent Colours' silk on flax Newcastle - just when I had swore to myself to stay away from flax linen for a while.
It's good to have my creativity back, but I'd rather transfer some of the energy to be used in the tasks of life, at least for a while as I am seriously lacking mental energy...

Though, I have surprised myself by doing some serious spring cleaning (it doesn't look like it yet as I have also reorganized my living room, again) and not suffering from it too badly - I still can't stand long time physical activities without straining myself somewhat, but I am doing way better than I was last year about this time (last year this time I couldn't lift one 20 kg pellet sack (hardware stores sell wooden pellet used for heating and grocery stores sell the same wooden pellet as kitty litter... guess which one is WAY cheaper? *grin*) and nowadays I have no problems to lift them up while cleaning the litter box).
Admittedly my lungs sound worse under physical stress than they did last year this time, but I think it may be because my lungs are better now. (As odd as it sounds one of the symptoms of severe asthma can be that you can't wheeze because your airways are so obstructed.)

If I just have enough energy tomorrow I may actually be able to clean the place up. Then there's only left reorganizing the bedroom, washing windows and pile of carpets - maybe I can finally use my carpets now that Masa is castrated.

And... as I can't show you my happy dance piece I will leave you with a picture from last summer:

7 x 4

They say that life goes in cycles of seven years.

I realized that I am in the end of the fourth seven year cycle.
Maybe it is why I have been feeling lost, easily bored, found odd things from myself.

It's quite an interesting thing that seven years ago I moved to the other side of the country to study. I went there to study something I found interesting as much as I ran away from the situation Dan and I were in. It was my first attempt to leave him, or rather I wanted to see how my life would be without him. I wanted to see do I have a reason to come back to him.
I could have survived without him, but I came back for two reasons: I loved him and wanted to try for the second time and... I didn't want to live without physical intimacy. Maybe it makes me a moron.

Nowadays, few days before my third divorce anniversary... part of me doesn't want even think of being with someone, other part of me would love to be head over heels again, settle down and live in wedded bliss with kids... In its way it scares me, this all or nothing attitude I have found from myself. Or rather I have recently accepted it in me, as we know, I am a person with very passionate character and I am only contented with the highest high or the lowest low.

Though I am not sure would I like to change that in me, even it would probably make my life easier, at least it might make it easier to gain those few things I actually would love to have.

I have found myself from thinking men I once had in my life, but only those who I met after Dan, thinking of them with warmth, the good times we shared.
I don't miss them as such, but I miss the little things, the most I miss the feeling of warm skin against mine.
In theory that would be easy thing to achieve... Once just having that would have been enough, but not anymore.
With age I have collected a good deal of deal breakers and must-haves, aging has made me pickier and sometimes I worry have I got too picky, or is it just as they say: when you once have it good there's no going back.

Maybe I am, as I once thought, a love junkie. Maybe I suffer from emotional mania: only thing worth feeling is being high up in the clouds.

Our student advisor, when I was in ninth grade, said that I could be described as a person who has her feet firmly on the ground... and her head firmly up in the clouds. (I also surprised him in all the suitability tests he loved so as I was both artistic and mathematically gifted and my personality is suitable for both team work and working on my own. He decided that he can't suggest me any spesific career, but was sorely disappointed when I didn't apply for "high school", but applied to Crafts and Design School and got through the application exams well enough to be approved - there was some talk later about the basics why people were accepted and I recall hearing the words "great eye for colour".)
I think there should be one addition: my heart loves the sun up there, over the clouds, so it is either all sunshine and butterflies or nothing.

I am afraid that it makes me kind of an ass. It means that I have to be completely honest to myself, but it also means that I may change how things are in a second because even the smallest rain may drop me off of my cloud.

The interesting thing in this is that I find myself from thinking along the same lines as the other half of this shared, and in its way shattered, soul. The one I love dearly, the only person I seem to understand no matter what, but can't have because love isn't always fair. (Maybe that explains why he has been only one to be able to really knock me off of my feet to date.)
It doesn't mean that I am not over him, it just means that I have become to find life very odd thing - and in certain way I find it soothing to know that there is someone like me, spite of everything as I can't be a total ass if someone like mr. W. thinks like I do.

96 days until my 29th birthday, 96 days until the next seven years begin.

Yellow...

I had a distinctively yellow dream last night. We, who had either yellow shirts or weapons of sorts, fought against the mindless human drones, almost like zombies. They were after a guy who apparently was some sort of a hope of human kind - and only way to protect him from the drones was to clothe him in yellow clothes...
But still we had to fight the drones to save the world.

I remember vividly only one part of the dream, the part where I slashed the saw one of the drones used in half with my yellow one...

I googled and found this:

Yellow: Intellect

Meaning: Mental activity, intellect. Ability to rationalize.

If brought by healing agent it means the dreamer has difficulty rationalizing. Muddy or mustard yellow has the same meaning.
If guide wears or brings pure bright yellow, i.e. Yellow (intellect) plus White (Enlightenment) then dreamer as an intuitive or enlightened intellect.

Yellow may represent dreamer’s usual reaction to the subject matter.

It was bright yellow. And no one is surprised by this, I hope.

SBQ: Everything goes

This week's

Stitching Bloggers' Question

is:

When you stitch a pattern that you have downloaded do you print out the pattern or do you stitch directly from your computer screen?

Because main part of my stitching life I was printerless I have familiarized myself with stitching directly from the screen, and even though I now own a great multifunction printer with low printing costs (one sheet 3,1 cnt, assuming that I print it 600 dpi, which I never do with working copies) I still stitch from the screen.
Probably my luck is that I am a weaver and I had to learn to be able to keep track on the process without consulting the fabric image all the time and see the errors with jumping weft etc. at one glance and therefore I am able to easily track my progress from the chart without marking it.

Itsy bitsy teenie weenie over one happy dance

Of a complimentary design (for Mothers' Day) published soon. I just want to give it to my mother before I publish it so it won't be available before 5th of April or so.

One could say that it is somewhat art nouveau-ish, but that's all for now.