I've lost 7 kg since May.

Neighbours

It's funny how my neighbours' attitude towards me changes when they think that my ex has moved back.
He has visited here earlier, but now he has been quite a while in here and it really seems to both of us that my neghbours live in hope. They've even started to greet me again.

We've been wondering what will they think when Sonnenschein moves in... OMG! She has a harem!

But that is not my problem.

Cross Stitching

My first exchange is done, I only need to get myself to postal office and send that sachet. It came out quite nicely even it is my first sachet ever.
My next project is to make pincushion with this:

It'll be my first waste canvas project, have to see how it'll come out...

Kids.

For some reason it seems that once again everyone is getting pregnant or at least planning to have a family.
And even I'm happy for every one of them it hurts like hell.

Werewolves

Ok, my cam had good night, so here are specimens...

Yes, I don't sleep at nights. This is what summer does for me.
Insomnia is my friend...

Archeology

I've storage room cleaning/ organizing project going on and I'm, once again, surprised.

I found drawings I've made while I was studying years ago and there are some good ones. Really.
I had my werewolf phase back then and those wolves are something great... I think I really should start drawing again. Werewolves. And in general also, apparently I can be quite good in it.
I don't wonder anymore why people think that I'm so friggin' artistic, my warehouse is filled with drawings, things made by me and stuff to make things...

If I had scanner I'd scan one and make it as my avatar. Maybe I've to try my webcam and see will it do any good.

Blabber...

Official links of the day:

True Porn Clerk Stories I've read that before and lost that link. Quite interesting - and it has a happy ending.

The IRC Bible Haven't read it yet, but it looks quite hilarious. (In fact we were creating ten commandments of IRC with my sis last year... I hope she still has that IRC log.)

Register One I like this. Have to read it more some day.

---

It seems that I'm getting the idea of HTML, which is quite nice thing. And it means that I'll spend more time making my website...

And... nice surprises. Sonnenschein had day off today, so we had some time to talk about things. (Though his connection was lousy...) I'll know more next week - or week after it.

It's possible that he resigns after this week. He set ultimatum to his employer, which is not taking care of one's part of contract.
Though I can't be happy because of that. I know how disappointed he is if it happens.

Autumn.

It's coming.

It has been raining whole night (Yes, someone has been awake and fought with her home page - in fact collecting link list). It's dark and wet outside, even it should be almost sunny in this time of morning in summer.

And I love it.

There's smell of autumn in the air, patter of raindrops is soothing and sky is lavender blue.

It's so perfect. Only one thing is missing...
How much I'd like to stand on balcony his arms around me and listen silence. Feel his warmth and hear his heart beating. That would be something...

It's silly how someone you love can make you feel extremely sad and then extremely good. And it's funny how little words can make you feel so good when someone special says them.

Me: I didn't get into Uni. :-S
He:Next time, I know you´ll sooner or later :)

(Bad Sonnenschein, there is thought error. )
Nothing much, nothing fancy but it makes me smile. He believes in me. That is something great.

Yikes, I think I love him.

Odd

I've been wondering this before but I'm wondering it again. When my ex is here I get "numb" and am unable to do anything useful. And when he leaves it takes day or two before I get my normal self back.

What there is in him which makes that? As anyway I enjoy his company.

New look

For some reason I had to modify this. Ok, I had a reason: I just want to have at least a bit similar blog than my home page is.

At least this style supports HTML better in Recent entries page than Tranquility did.

Something is missing but... I'll modify more later.

---

Good night

While laying in my bed and listening my downstairs neighbour's snoring I had this thought. Nothing fancy, I just noticed that my misanhtropy is really getting worse. I assume.

"Karl" said it:



Maybe I just have these phases when it's better not to feel very much, as otherwise there'd be catastrophy.

Bad luck

..or bad reading, but there's always next year.

Yes, I didn't get in.

Men...

Or humans.

Well, he seems to be in bad phase of life now - problems at work etc. and it's possible that he ends his contract.
Yes, I should be happy if that happens. Well, in a way I'm, but I also know how much he waited from that job. Seeing his disappointment hurts.

Then he has this odd mania that he needs more money to support himself. He has enough of it already, at least in my opinion, and I just don't know how to convince him that he/ we wont starve no matter what happens.

I understand very well that he's afraid of moving, but he should also realize that he will lose me if he doesn't keep his word. And we agreed two months ago that after his contract ends he'll come.

I'm bit confused.

****

Left mean voice message to his answering service as he haven't kept our contract to let another one know if one can't come online...

Have to see what happens and when...

Patience

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you
I'm still alright to smile
---
I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear

Sometimes I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time...
---
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
---
You and I've got what it takes
To make it, We won't fake it,
I'll never break it
'cause I can't take it...

What can I say? I promise to come back when I'm bit less depressed. Hormonal cycle and long-distance relationship aren't good mix.

Dreams

My dreams have been interesting lately. Nothing fancy in them but they're getting repetitive.

Basic pattern is: Sonnenschein comes and we spend time with my family - and everyone likes him.
Maybe that is just wishful thinking, but I really do hope that my family likes him - as I know how *beeb* my father can be. He said enough, too much when I was with A. and I wont forget things like that. Hopefully he understands who I choose if I have to.

Last night was odd because we were in a place which was my grandad's - odd thing is that he's dead, been last 11 years, but in that dream he lived in there.
And my brother weren't there, at least I can't remember seeing him in that dream...

Apparently my dream showed me who are those people I hold close in my family: my mom and sis (and grandad). My father was in that dream but he wasn't visible, he was only a voice.

And Sonneschein... his skin felt so good, it felt so good to be close to him. His smile was so beautiful. And which is as important: he came. Second dream where he clearly comes to here. Even I may sound delirious... that looks like a good omen.



And... congrats sis! Happy birth and name day - even it's not your exact date of birth today. One big step behind now.

Name-giving celebration coming....

Yes, my sis is finally changing her name and that gave me good excuse to stitch something awfully cute. ^^




That will be card for her. I've been planning with my mom that I make an apron to her... with



It's hard to imagine that she collects Hello Kitty?
- - -
I was thinking at night when I was stitching that I really need to have a kid. And why is it so?

I want to stitch overly cute designs, that's why. (It's hard to beat my reasoning sometimes...)

Surprises

Yesterday's bombings in London raised some conversation in one forum I reside in, and after giving my condolences I replied to one person's post... I was waiting for witch pyres or something similar but... it seems that people really understood what I was after with my posting.
I have to confess that it's not what I expected, but I'm not complaining.

I do know how it feels to wait information of someone important after terrorist attack. Yes, Sonnenschein lives in Madrid vicinity and studied in Madrid in that time, so it's easy to calculate 1+1= 3/11.(In fact it's bit odd that even I don't know anyone I know people who have been nearby 9/11, 3/11 and 7/7.)

Yes, I have to confess that he was bit too important for me even back then... Yikes, I'm immoral.

And I miss him. *sigh*

Wow!

Postal services really do work. I received today a parcel which was sent to me from U.S.A. in Saturday.

This means that I'm doing my happy dance today - as I just saved ~70 € and got huge pile of mouline.

to Debbie for her kindness.

*sigh*

6 months and one day.

I miss him so. In fact I miss him too much.

11 weeks.

*removed ticker*

One sentence

...gave me the courage to open my mouth in 4th of January.

"I'd like to deserve your smiles."

Odd thing is that I just realized it. Without that sentence I wouldn't have had strength to say him that I want him.
I assume that even he doesn't understand power behind that sentence, or that it's possible that we weren't we now if he'd have left it unsaid.

After that he has really deserved my smiles - and my tears. He really seems to be worth of them. And worth of my love.

Thank you Sonnenschein.
Te amo.

26

I'd want only one thing for my birthday, even I know it's not possible now.

Right now I'd like to be under my blanket laying next to my Sonnenschein. Spend whole day just staring into his eyes.

Yes, I do miss him. In fact I miss him so dearly... He has been so like that man I fell in love with lately that I miss him even more than I should. But I'm happy that he has been more open, I know that it's hard for him. Apparently he believes nowadays that I wont go away. That means quite much to me.

I have to say that nowadays when someone says that one's not seeing one's partner in few weeks and they "just don't know how to survive" I'd like to say few words but I don't do it. They wouldn't get it anyway.
They wouldn't get that there's worse faith than love someone who live near you and is usually there. They don't understand how it feels when there's thousands of kilometers between you and your loved one, when there's whole continent between... when there's two hurted ones in it it's even harder. But, we've survived six months now. And little by little I'll believe that it's real. That he really loves me and wont go away.
And to be honest, I don't regret a day. What is few months of pain when you have possibility to be happy for the rest of your life?

But still... I want him here.

Unbelievable.

Right after I finished my latest entry Sonnenschein came online. Why?

M: 0nly one simple thing, minä rakastan sinua
- - -
M: I´m tired as hell but I wanted to see you
- - -
M: You deserve it and much more

Simply amazing as he's not usually man of great words.

He made me very happy, once again.

Greetings from Tallinn

I just came home from Tallinn. (I've been awake last 34 hours) Sitting before my comp and sipping some honey liqueur (which is quite good, btw).

It seems to me that Tallinn is hybrid of Budapest and Helsinki. Don't know why I haven't realized that before. Anyway, it's bit akward as I love it and hate it in the same time.
Today I hated Old Tallinn as it's tourist season and there were so many people... Though we (Me, my sister and my mom) found this nice little (and silent!) restaurant from there and had great lunch.

Yes, it was (partly) my birthday trip - and we had quite nice time.

Now I just need my Sonnenschein here. Have some liqueur with him and just be together...