...all of them idiots...

How shallow can human be?

I had a conversation with Him and He told what his friend had said to Him when He told we are going to divorce: 'You could find someone better...' Ok, maybe that is only that 'don't worry, there is plenty of fish in the sea' or, as He get it 'She is not good enough (too ugly) for you.' I also heard that one of my neighbors has said similar thing about me - even that one is just normal middle aged man (bad skin, overweight, redneck...). They have also assumed that we are together just for sex.

I got mad, He is too. Apparently some people are so shallow/ stupid that they really think that somebody can be with someone for six years only for sex. And if they think I am not attractive why do they think that? ;)

Fortunately I know the truth. And He agrees with it. 'You are beautiful. You can't be unattractive if I have always enjoyed to have sex with you and lived with you for so long.' :) That was nice thing to say. Maybe it don't sound like it but I know Him. That was compliment from Him. ;)

Funny thing is also that I hear almost daily that I am attractive. :)

Anyway, I am rather intelligent that attractive but... ;)

What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Your band name is:	Boy Sets Table
You sound like:	Unwritten Law
You will be signed to:	Equal Vision Records
Your emo lyrics are:	"I cry for every tear you make me produce"
Name:
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Apparently I can stop crying and start to laugh... This is getting hilarious. Now I am glad that I made that application.

...and now I have to remember if I meet someone interesting that his mom should be dead or at least she should live somewhere far away from here. :P

Love... like life is a bitch.

But why there is hate after love with some people? I don't hate him. I don't believe that. Hate destroys very easily.
Maybe I am naive but as far as I see it there can't be nothing worth to hate in him because I have loved him so much. And now my heart is aching because he apparently hates me... Why he does it? After all, and no matter what, these 5½ years were best in my life.

...at least I have learned something. Hopefully.

And no matter how naive I may sound but I still believe in love, I still believe in marriage. Why couldn't there be 'eternal' love and lasting marriage? At least that is my silly idealistic thought.

...maybe there is something wrong with me because I don't want to blame neither of us? He have done wrong, I have done wrong - but most fatal thing to us was mistrust. And when I told that to him - yes, it is my view, it isn't the whole truth - I was the meanest little liar in this universe. I was that cold hearted woman who never gave any tenderness to him - it was me who teach him to enjoy tenderness, at least he has said so...

HOw is it possible that every little oddity in me is now something awful and weird? Not so long time ago he loved those.

I can make only one decision... even he agreed that if I want to apply for divorce it is OK for him, it wasn't. After that he became crazy.

And made me awfully sad.

..and everything was fine until today.

And now I feel like shit. I have cried almost whole day... Now I am liar, hypocrite and cold person. We have been arguing by SMS whole day and I am finished.

I wouldn't never believe that a man who claims he still loves me can be so cruel to me. Maybe I am asshole, but generally I don't believe that.
Everything he has done wrong is my fault for some twisted reason. And when I say what I have done wrong he claims that I bathe in self pity. And after that he wants me to admit what I have done wrong... OMG! I just can't understand that man anymore.

...and I feel so bad....

I really did it! In fact I even surprised myself by doing it. And I have to say that it was hardest thing I have ever done - even I feel quite good now - and I really do hope that I don't need to fill divorce application never again.

So, in the beginning of February I will be free as a bird - as I have to wait six months and consider...:P

Even I promised that I consider our divorce after he moves away, it feels now that I would really like to do that now. But he isn't here and it would be approriate to speak with him before getting those papers.

This feels odd as I would have ever even thought that I will think like this some day.
But now I have this feeling that I have to go on. Go on and get happy.
This thought feels so good, I am so calm.

There have to be something wrong with me. As this isn't the way I usually handle emotional things... I am not panicing, crying my eyes out. I am just calm.

Maybe I should sleep the night and get those papers today if I still feel like this. :)

Even my relationship status is in front of law 'married' I am not married anymore. I realized that today. I don't want to be close to him anymore. Apparently he doesn't want to be close to me either so... He came back from his dads place today but he didn't go home - he went to see his grandma. Again. For some reason this is very sad situation. But it is better to feel sad now than be miserable for the rest of our lives.

I feel bad because I know that he still loves me. He is miserable because of me.

Being truthful to yourself is hard task. Even truth sets us free.

"The misanthrope hates not man. The misanthrope hates idiocy, stupidity, self-righteousness, authoritarianism, selfishness, greed, ignorance, dishonesty, cant, and balderdash. All of these he hates rightfully. The problem is that all of these are shared by no other member of the animal kingdom but man. And the misanthrope does not entertain the vain hope that these traits will ever stop determining man's behavior." (From 'My Life with Thrill Kill Karl')

For once someone has found the truthful explanation for misanthropy. Maybe I am not that bad person anyway because I dislike human idiocy. In fact I found it quite amusing that I am socially very talented and emphatic, but I have just this one problem... Humans.

Some people wonder why I have so little social contacts. Mainly I wonder how that can be problem to some complete stranger when it isn't that great problem to me. I just try to avoid palpitation by staying away from 'normal' people. I can't give them nothing, they can't give me nothing. At least that is how I feel. For me it is impossible to think life without meaning, life without thinking.
And... I am completely happy when I have at least one friend who understand me. One person who knows me and loves me anyway. One person with whom I can talk about anything and laugh to anything. And that one doesn't even need to live where I live. That suits for me. I have my peace and anyway it is possible to interact with that person almost when ever I want to. And vice versa.

I am abnormal because I think, because I use my brains. Ok, there is nothing wrong but my gender just happens to be wrong. :D For some reason it is difficult to 'locals' when woman uses her brains and admits it.

Sometimes I think I may sound quite bitter person. Maybe I am, but I really don't think so. I happen to like me and I know that there is people out there who appreciate me for what I am. That makes my heart smile. :)

I've packed his stuff today and now I feel quite.. not sad but I am not very cheerful or happy like I usually am.

And like that weren't enough... there is so much hatred in this world, in people, that my little mind can't really understand it all. Ok, hate is feeling and I try to approve it because of that but why they hate me even they don't know me? And why? Because I happen to be intelligent and WOMAN. Frigging odd. Ok, I know that most humans can't stand intelligent people in general... but anyway. So, people make me feel miserable just because I am intelligent. Like that is my fault... sometimes it would be so much easier without brains and heart.

*sigh*

I don't miss sex that much and that is quite ood in fact when we are talking about me... I miss tenderness and intimacy... but not just any type of them, I need those seasoned with love.
It is awful to sleep when no one isn't holding you close to him, or have his hand on your hip while you sleep. The lack of togetherness is awful...
There is no one when you go to sleep, no one when you wake up. No one to laugh or cry with.

My skin is lonely... it needs touching, caressing...

I miss loving someone. And now it is even harder than before as I know what I want and that is a lot, maybe even too much... At least now it feels that world is full of idiots and most of those idiots are after sex. Nothing against it but love first... I am quite old-fashioned nowadays. :)

He is away for about three weeks. First I felt miserable for being alone but then I realized that I am free. Free to do what ever I want to do. I am relieved.

Of course I miss his presence as I am used to it. But finally I feel free to do things... like rearrange furniture etc. :) As I just can't do anything when he is at home. It is odd, really. I have done more today than I have done in last week... Why he has that bad influence on me?

I feel guilty for being happy because he is not here but I know that there's nothing wrong in it.

I have been quiet almost three weeks. Well, life is quite hard sometimes...

He got an apartment, rented it from his dad. Even I feel happy I feel extremely sad. Of course this is hard for me. I would be scared if it would be easy. Now I just have so many practical issues to handle. I have to have new lease to this apartment, even it feels extremely odd. Well, I have to do it in the morning. No matter how hard it feels.

Sometimes it feels like I can never ever fall in love again. But I think that it will happen again, when it is time. When I found someone with smiling eyes and warm heart.
At least I have my dreams... and capability for daydreaming. I think those keep me sane in those hard moments when it would be nice to kill someone... my greatest fear is that Him will not move in July... as it should be deadline.

Accidents do usually happen in combos, so I am still waiting what will be the third one as I heard couple of days ago that my brother is separating/ divorcing too. Kind of spooky, ain't? Both separations during same spring... I think it must be those spots in the Sun. I just hope that he will get their kids...

This is getting harder day by day.. living with him. I am more and more annoyed being with him in daily-basis...

Here we go again.

He mopes like five-year-old because he hasn't listen what I had said to him earlier. Apparently it is my fault that IRC isn't web-based... and he don't know how to use it - he should ask that from me as I do know but no... It is my fault that I know how to use it. Everything seems to be my fault again.

And soon he will swear his undying love, I am sure of it.
Yesterday he got mad because I refused to hold his hand when we were walking back from grocery. Why should I hold his hand? I don't understand, as he should remember that I don't love him in that way anymore - he should remember that it was the reason for me to start this separation process.
As I can't trust him I can't love him anymore. I even shouldn't love him because of that. And if I don't/ can't love someone I see no point to live with him anymore - and I have great doubts being married with him... I think there is no hope for us. Even he thinks there is.

Maybe he just don't understand what I say to him.

Marriage is all about love, love is all about trust and without trust there is nothing. I think I am quite realistic when it comes to relationships and love. I know there can't always be only happiness, there is always days of sorrow.
And I do miss that, happiness and sorrow with someone I love and who loves me back equally.

I saw odd but beautiful dream last night. In fact it was not even that odd, even I felt odd -but happy-after I woke up.
In my dream I found someone strong-minded to love even I did not think him in that way in the beginning of that dream. He was "just" my friend, I could not even think him being anything else than a friend...
..then I kissed him- and he kissed me.(And as kissing should be something macigal... Haven't had kiss like that in ages...)

And even it was a dream I felt ecstatic, good, loved... I felt better than I have felt in years. Everything felt so good and I knew why I fell in love with that man from my dream.

Ok, it was just a dream but my dreams have always some meaning in them... And I think I know what I wanted to say to me.

So many days without anything to write.

Too many "I love You's" from him. As many awkward situations for me. As it just feels that he tries to get what he have lost ages ago.

I'm heading toward tomorrow and he still loves me. Ok, I have to say that I admire him because of that, but so many words, so few acts. And for some reason I feel that he hates me because for this situation but he just can't stop loving me. He is too weak, too much Mr. Nice Guy.

Well, now I know what I want from man... I really do, I just have to learn not to fall in to another one "I have to save". I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says...

That sounds like some sort of personal ad.:)

This situation makes me desperate. I can't do anything by myself, I can't even read even I should because I have to keep this place at least somewhat clean.
He is really like a little child - even I have said about cleaning his mess (..about thousand times...) he just wont learn his lesson... I am getting really messed up here. Too much demands for me. I am beginning to lose my hope.

If I say that he should do something in here as I have to read he says "Of course" but wont do anything... And so I can't read, I can't do anything I like to as he takes my space. He takes my breath away and I will choke soon...

I'm going to say about this to him even I know his reaction to it. There will be huge fight once again, one broken heart inside me, too many tears to count... And finally I am the one who asks for forgiveness. Once again I am the coward, that crazy woman who likes to make him feel guilty.

And all this just because I fell in love with him 6 years ago. If this is love, I don't want to fall in love again... Even I hate loneliness, if this is the price to pay, I say no, never again...

Sometimes he acts like little child, mopes about little things and then waits that I ask for forgiveness.Not very equal, I think.
I realized yesterday that he narrows my personality - there are no room for me and to who I am. Only room for his personality. No wonder I was unhappy