Tidbits

I finally got stimulant medication in June last year and so much has changed since! 

I experienced silence for the first time in my life (I was 41, mind) when I took my first pill. The tornado that is my brain calmed down and all the sharks (Sharknado!) turned into little fishies whom I can easily catch and adore as long as I want to, and release them when I am done. In other words I can focus on a thought, think about it and release it when I am done with it.

What is even better is that I got back to University. And not just got in, my points were so high that I was literally among the best in the country applying to study BBA through admission exam. Last time, years before I was diagnosed and medicated, I barely got in to my alma mater that was, and is, much less popular. (Think of 2,95% of applicants versus 20% of applicants.) I did this while having a migraine and after not sleeping well due excitement.

And, to my surprise I have returned all my assignments on time! I can sit down and decide to study! I can study! My brain works (often)! And I don't need a week of rest after having to think. I feel like I can! And let me tell you... that is a new feeling to me. I have always known I am smart, I am not saying that, but I have always known that I can't perform to my level. And that does stuff to your self-esteem. Bad stuff. A lot of it.

I still have bad days as even the slightest changes can affect how the meds work. Gut is upset? Meds don't absorb, good luck with that. Menses? Low estrogen affects to how meds work. You don't feel like eating breakfast? You better do, and make no changes to it as your meds won't absorb correctly! 😁 It can be a challenge, but... even on a bad day my life is better than it was on a good day before I knew why I am so... unable.

Tiny got a nice new teacher and new meds in August, and he is striving in school and that makes me happy. He doesn't hate school anymore, but works to get as good grades as possible even I am not demanding As. I still remember that sad, hurting little boy he was before his diagnosis and it fills me with joy to see him so motivated and aware of his abilities.

And Wolfie is being as amazing and wonderful as ever. 💖 I am so blessed to have him as my partner. I have always felt blessed for having met someone so amazing, even when it hurt, and the volume of my gratitude is approximately the size of the Universe now that I have him again. 🥰

Confessions of a scatterbrain

Geez, it has been a LONG time. A lot has happened and still nothing has happened. 

Tiny still grows up every day. (Can you believe that he is NINE?) Wolfie loves me and tells me every day how amazing I am. 💓 And I was, finally, recently diagnosed with ADHD. 

Within one year both Tiny and I have got the diagnose. Now I have a kid who is more himself than he was, but now that I need to figure out how to explain to the world that he is not weird just because he functions a bit differently and needs stimulants to survive with school and life. And me... gosh. 

When I was diagnosed I reduced my coffee intake to prepare for the stimulant medication. Well, being 41, obese and having The Genes on both sides my BP was elevated. A lot. Part of it is stress as everything makes me overstimulated, starting from random sounds and going to trying to manage life with ADHD kid when your own ADHD has only gotten worse. Reducing my caffeine intake has had but negative effect on me. Coffee has literally been my legal, prescription free stimulant and without my normal dosage I am lost. It has been sucky 2,5 months. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. My BP is almost low enough now and it seems that my EKG was clear as no one has called me about it. Which means that when we get the numbers nudged a bit more I get my first trial! 🤩

Wolfie... oh my. I knew he was amazing from the moment we stumbled upon each other online back in 2006, but I never knew how amazing, how perfect he is, before we rekindled. I often tell him that even I had made him myself I hadn't been able to make him as perfect as he is. And even we have known for over 15 years I still gush about him like we had just met. We have decided it is our normal to be gushy and overly sweet and our intention is to be that disturbingly loving old couple one day. 😈

Oh Well (aka. All Is)

I said it out loud and world has not ended. And I want to yell from the rooftops to tell everyone how happy I am. Every day.

I never forgot mr. Wolf, I never got over him. After my father died and Wolfie expressed his condolences under my status I realised I could never get over him. That I still loved him like no one else. After so many years. If anything I loved him more.
That's not really a great standing to start a relationship with someone as I wanted to be honest. "You are great, but I can never love you like I love the man I can't have." is not exactly what you want to hear from a prospective partner, is it? And people were so utterly boring that being single took no effort.
I decided that if I ever get the chance I will tell him how much I still miss him.

2018 changed everything.

We started talking again. Daily. Every moment possible. Turned out he still loved me, too. We started talking about really serious stuff, like why we broke up. It was hard, but we talked. And talked. (Well, typed.) At one point we started talking about how our lives could be together. It just happened. We started dreaming. We started to plan meeting again. We became us.
Life has been throwing curveballs at us, but we still keep dreaming and believing. Because there is a reason why it never worked out with anyone else.

And even we are separated by a considerable amount of landmass and salt water it doesn't feel like it. Every time we talk I feel like I could touch him simply by moving my finger a bit. He's always there when I need him despite his busy life, time zones and those thousands of kilometers.

I have struck gold.

Violently happy, again

For someone so sensible I have proven to be really superstitious lately. Last time I was yelling my feelings from the rooftops, now I feel like I should be doing it, but I'm afraid it would jinx things. Because he is as amazing as he was and I love him dearly, more every year passed, more every passing day. Every second, really.

To call him mine, again, is a dream come true.


Ladies and gentlemen, Wolfie is back!


Has been for a while, actually, and I, we, couldn't be happier. 😍
Ok, I lie. We could. But that isn't about us, it's about distance (he lives even farther away than he used to) and finances. Plane tickets from Far Away Country to here just require wad of cash neither of us currently has. But other than that, I'm one very happy camper. 😍

Little Crazy Thing Called "Love"

I had forgot how good it feels to hear every day that you are loved, that you are the most amazing thing ever. From someone you have loved, and missed, all these years.

I never knew how it feels when you can say literally anything and you are not judged (if I told him I killed someone he'd ask when he can come to visit me in jail), that you are still worthy and loved regardless how bad day you have or major issues you have. That everything that other people have despised in you is wonderful because it makes you who you are as "changing anything would probably break what is working perfectly".

And how wonderful it is to hear how amazingly beautiful you are when you know he knows you in and out, that you have actually met each other and he still thinks like that.

There's so much amazing in my life, all in one person.

Love

... is a funny little thing.

People often consider me unable to commit or to love based on the fact that my love life has been quite bumpy. But there is something they don't know...

I have loved the same man for over 12 years. 12 long years with lots of life, silence and distance between us. But his happiness has always come first. As long as he has been happy, I have been happy and kept it to myself that I can't forget him.

It seems the feeling was mutual. And still is.

Home Chemistry i.e. Laundry Detergent (Borax Free)

As commercial laundry detergents tend to smell gros... funny or cause itchiness or rash in our family I decided to try to make my own some time ago.

First I dived into Pinterest, but you know how it goes... Either there was borax, which is forbidden in EU, or there was soap which blocks certain fabrics and they won't work as they should. This is important factor as PUL and it's buddies are used in outdoor garments and I wash Tiny's outdoor garments quite often. Soap also tends to develop build-up, but it's not an issue in our case because I use so little detergent.

But I digress, as usual. Then I happened to stumble upon Limepop's recipe (in Finnish) and decided to try. I left epsom salt out though (and added tiny bit of citric acid), but still this thing works wonders! It works with dry blood and sweat stains and you can use it as stain remover too. Being able to get rid of dried blood stains has become important factor since Tiny has developed (pollen allergy related) tendency to have nose bleeds. 
It also leaves clothes feeling soft without softeners.

I have used this detergent for few months and have nothing but good things to say.

My saving grace

350 ml bicarbonate of soda (baking soda) (~11.83 US fl oz)
350 ml washing soda (~11.83 US fl oz)
 10 ml salt (~0.34 US fl oz)
7,5 ml citric acid (~0.25 US lf oz)

You just mix these in where ever you plan to store it in (I have huge mason jar) and if you wish you can add few drops of essential oils. (And if you have those little silica gel bags you get with anything you buy just place one or two of them in your storage jar to prevent possible lumping.)

I use 15 ml (1 tbs) per wash and use 60 C (140 F) program as it does kill germs and detergents in general work better in higher temperatures. And despite I use so little of detergent our clothes are clean, actually they look better because there is no build-up.

Long time, no see

I have thought about writing an entry for about bazillion times. But to no avail as life has been overwhelming and my head has been even greater mess than it usually is.

But I talked to Someone Very Dear about my blogging recently and he wondered why I have ceased to do it because I was good at it... Back in the day when we got acquainted. 12 years ago.

No, there's no Mr. Right Now.
Someone Very Dear to me is that missing piece of my soul, Mr. Wolf from aeons ago.
It's funny really. It has been years since last time and when we talk (well, type) it's like those years never existed. I never get that with people. Never. Time gets between me and my ability to act normally. Usually.

Which probably has something to do with the fact that I may have inattentive ADHD and it causes me to have problems with social interaction. among other things (like life). It's not official, but it would explain a lot (a WHOLE lot). and preliminary testing points heavily to that direction. It would also explain why Tiny has ADHD too (and vice versa). This is recent addition from this summer, but it was not a surprise to anyone who is in contact with him. And hopefully there will be medication trial this year as Tiny goes to preschool (today!) and needs to amp up his concentration.

Maybe I am back, who knows. Let's see.

He is a special child, indeed.

In his four year checkup Tiny's public health nurse recommended us an evaluation at special needs child health centre as Tiny did not wield age specific tests. Six months and two evaluations later Tiny's special friend got a name: SID, sensory integration disorder. Which explains a great deal of him.

And a great deal of me...

It also makes it easier for both of us as now his special friend has got a name and it's easier to understand Tiny's sometimes really difficult behaviour (meltdowns). And now I see why he did not manage those tests: he clearly doesn't trust his nurse and as I had to leave the room for his testing Tiny blocked the lady out and started to do his own things. He has huge issues with having to be close to strangers if he doesn't initiate the contact - he panics if he has to sit next to someone he doesn't know in a bus, even if I am next to him. You can imagine how it must be for him to be alone in a closed room with someone he has met twice. (On the other hand Tiny was really smitten about that occupational therapist who evaluated him. We may have to keep her even she's not specialized in SID kids.)

Funnily enough daycare was worried about Tiny's linguistic development and it turned out to be only thing there are no worries about. He just needs some speech therapy, like I did, but his linguistic abilities are completely normal. SID just makes him seem like he doesn't always understand. And my family is full of people just like him.

Life carries on - and so on

I have learned something this year. There's one thing harder than death of a loved one: waiting for their death.

Life between February and August was difficult because you did know that he was going to die, despite what he said, but you didn't know when and how long the palliative care period would be. As, despite all our confrontations, no one wanted that he had to suffer.
Last days of August were the hardest as we knew he had it bad after they sent him back to hospital instead of keeping him at local health centre waiting to be released back home. And the worst in whole thing was that I knew that one of those days I had to tell Tiny some really bad news. There's nothing more heartbreaking than having to tell your child that someone they love dearly has died.

But life carries on. My father's estate inventory is done and his possessions shared, on a paper at least. Bureaucracy takes time. (And I do foresee some butt hurt from our brother, poor thing gets his share as sole cash.)

And surprisingly....
It seems that my bad credit has cleared - or clearing. At least SII has given me student loan guaranty as a holiday season surprise and they do require clean credit history (clean-ish, they may discard your bad credit if you have only few soon-to-be-cleared markings). As much as I hate having to take a loan to support us it frees me to have outside income.

Life is kind of odd. But odd is not bad, as long as it would remain calm from now on.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Who would have thought? After 12,5 years I chose to export my blog to Blogger.  And even changed my handle!

The time seemed right and I wanted better functionality with no cost (I know, I am cheap) even though I am not sure does anyone blog anymore. :P

So, dysfunctional links and images that are nowhere to be seen, but I feel good now.

For new beginnings!

If life was less complicated it would be easier

One word: f*ck.

Or rather "I hate when this happens."

So, I met someone who had my brain and who clicked from the very beginning. Until all went to dogs. This actually reminds me of issue with Wolfie, only this time I am the Bad Wolf.
But in all honesty I want to feel meaningful, I want to hear daily from the person I am dating. It doesn't have to be much, but those little things matter. Those little things he has started to fail to do.

I can understand not writing any emails because X and Y, but for Pete's sake if your smart phone is almost your third arm you could send few messages here and there to keep your girlfriend happy, right?

At the moment I am doing a "cold shoulder" test. I want to know how long it takes before he realises that I was serious with what I have said. Or how long it takes before I just call it quits... As I want to be happy and you are not supposed to feel miserable after three months of knowing someone.

28 days later

He passed away after a short period in hospital in late August, less than two months before his 70th birthday. You could say he was your average Joe when it came to this cancer: average patient diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 70 year old male and they live 6 months on average.

He didn't get much more than that. And even it has come obvious that he knew he was going to die rather sooner than later his subconcious mind denied it. I am quite sure that I am not lying when I say that severity of his illness was not clear to any of us, not even his partner.
I got to read his death certificate: he had several metastasis all around his body and this he knew over a month before he passed. Knowing this confirmed my earlier suspicions about his condition based on his behaviour. (Yeah, it's hard to be always right. Or something. *grin*) Human beings are odd things, but still, I know and you know why he did it.

Tiny took it better than I had expected, regardless he does miss his grandpa a lot. But the process seems to help him. One day he told me that it was nice to see grandpa's white box, in other words going to his memorial service. There's still urn burial (my father's ash will be buried in his parents' grave (which is a positive thing as said cemetery is reasonably close)), I hope it goes as well as memorial service did...

The relativity of time has struck me, it seems like forever, but it has been only four weeks.

Well, four weeks and a aday.

Things that happened before it seem like aeons ago and things that happened after it... well, have just kind of passed.

It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

Dear diary...

Isn't it always how it always goes? That after you complain about something things change?

I was called girlfriend today. By someone who has my brain.

Life is getting interesting all of a sudden. I hope it keeps this way.

On singledom

I have been single almost four years now and either I have become even more cynical than I used to be or people have got way weirder since I was single last time. Or maybe it's me (getting way weirder than I used to be).

Or that little funny fact that nowadays I demand more. Much more. I don't ask for looks, (look where it got me last time *grin*,) but I'm just looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. You know, those people are insanely hard to come by. At least for an introverted single parent.

Some people could say that it's more difficult to date with a child. I don't agree. First of all at this age quite many people have kids so they should understand how the whole thing goes with kids, and then I don't think it would be too much to ask for an adult to understand the basics of how little people affect to one's life - and accept the fact that people in certain age range quite often have kids. I know I did, not 100 %, but I did - and I have never been much of a child type anyway (aside wanting my own).
And for some weird reason when Tiny was just a baby it was easier to get on the date level. Maybe it was "separated" status that was much more attractive than "divorced" - as of course life is easier with someone who is in middle of a divorce, yup. *grin*

What makes me wonder is that those people who should be adult by any standard act like teens or little kids. Those people who can't simply live with word "no" or can't wait for your reply for one day without having some kind of hissy fit. It's hilarious, but also very worrying.

Sometimes it's good to be a misanthrope.

Still, it would be nice to have someone to share one's life with. Someone who'd also give Tiny that father figure he never has had.

6 x 9 = 42

Life's dragging along. I am eagerly waiting for that day when it becomes normal again, without constant obstacles thrown on our way.

Tiny's tummy ache was diagnosed as food allergy (as I suspected) after few dozens of blood tests to opt out all kinds of nice things like colitis, celiac disease, amebas and other funny parasites. He is now off dairy, eggs and fish and has become more like his old self.
It turns out he may have been allergic last two years, if not his whole life... he just hasn't been able to communicate it and haven't realised that it is not normal to have nausea and tummy ache until now.
This and my father's cancer cause enough stress to make my system more unstable and it seems that my allergies (and my thyroid) may be worsening again. Yay. It would make life really interesting, though luckily Tiny is at day care so he gets diverse diet even if ours were more restricted.

But on the bright side, it's Mother's Day and we have cake!

So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.

I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.

We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.

Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.

Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*

So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...

Lazy or just lacking that extra 24 hours?

I know I am biased in this matter, but I still can't understand why it seems to be so incredibly difficult for people to understand what it means when someone is, as I call it, solo parent. (I don't know if there is a real English word for someone who is 100% single parent. In Finnish we are called "totally single parents" (totaaliyksinhuoltaja or totaaliyhäri) so I use "solo parent" as I think it should be figurative enough.)
Admittedly even people with shared custody call themselves single parents (well, in English it's more accurate, but in Finnish "yksinhuoltaja" (single parent) basically refers to someone who has sole custody and sole responsibility - or it should). What is even worse I have met people who call themselves "single parent" (remember that I use the word just because it translates like that) even they are only "weekend parent" with shared custody.

That confusion with terms apparently makes it really impossible for some, many, people to understand, or even try to understand, how life is when you are the only parent, or both parents in one.
Admittedly it's not that much different when it comes to basics, but the major, major difference lays in time: totaaliyhäri has only 24 hours a day to take care of things that are usually taken care of by two people who have 24 hours a day. And we do not have free weekends, ever, like most shared custody parents - or even single parents if meetings work.
What bugs me in this is that people seem to consider me lazy because I simply do not have time or energy for everything - even I have on average 8 hours of "free time" (which translates to Tiny's daycare day being 8 hours/ day on average) every weekday! I wonder has it ever passed their mind that being two people 24/7 is rather exhausting in the long run... so, when Tiny goes to daycare I walk home, eat breakfast, drink coffee (this takes about 2-3 hours depending do I go to grocery store when I walk home). Wash laundry. Study. Hang laundry. Eat. Study. And all the sudden it's afternoon and I need to go and pick up Tiny. So, in real world I have 4-5 hours tops to actually study.

I'm such a lazy ass b**tard. ^^

On crossing body parts

Well, we got the place and have moved in almost three weeks ago.

The Silence!

At least compared to previous apartment. There are some "structural noises", but at least now we can't hear talking (or yelling) and occasional walking sounds are tolerable.

The Space!

96 square meters (~1033ft²). 22 more than in our old place, same amount of rooms (HUGE kitchen). 1950s apartment block with a fireplace and nice balcony. Next to the woods.
And I don't know what to do with all the space!
Actually I have a problem with my craft stuff, but I think eventually I will figure something out.

Of course it's bit more expensive to live here, but oh my, I this place.