Ms. BBA, Student

I am still waiting for the letter of acceptance, but the national online service has told me that I was accepted!!!

Tick tock

That's the sound of my biological clock and I am beginning to be more and more fond of the idea of having another child on my own... I just have noticed that, when thinking about the options (gay man/ couple versus "anonymous donor"), my cynicism - or maybe it's my OCD - is sky high: I would actually rather use "anonymous donor" as it would be more straight forward. I could make all the decisions, there would be no nasty surprises from the father front (as I have noticed that some people turn out idiots after their child is born *ahem*) - even though there is always that possibility.

I know I would be judged, frowned upon even, but it would be my decision. I can not say it would be a reasonable decision, but having children never is.

Life with a small baby and an active toddler sounds scary, but also something I could survive and something I want. We would fit into this apartment. I still have most of Tiny's clothes left despite my best attempts to sell them.
Hell, I still have Tiny's combo stroller/ high chair/ you name it! And a pushchair and another stroller...
And we would survive nicely financially even if I studied. Admittedly I would have to return back to my studies quite soon, but other babies have survived day care and grew up to be proper people.

It would be full of challenges, but other people have lived with alone with children with much smaller age difference and managed just fine.

And I could always say to "official people" that the pregnancy was a lucky accident.

Given that I can actually get pregnant. Statistically Tiny could have been the exception that makes the rule.

I have to confess that since the divorce went trough I have taken quite relaxed attitude towards keeping contact, i.e. sending pictures, with Mr. Biofather.
Actually I think I haven't sent any pictures since Tiny turned two.

I see no reason to do that because he seems rather disinterested. Or should I be honest and say he doesn't give a damn?

And you get what you give.

Abandonment

I don't think that it would matter much to me that my brother acts like three- year old if there wasn't someone else involved: Tiny.
Because by doing his thing my brother is the second man in Tiny's life who has left him before he turned two.

It hurts me when Tiny mentions "Unke Pampa" because I know that he remembers his uncle, even I wished he didn't - but I have learned that little children have terrifyingly good memory.... at least Tiny does.
And it makes me wish that I could hit that guy, hard. Because he is so fu*king blind or stupid or bitter that he fails to see what he is because he is what he is. Because he hurts my son.

Brotherly Things

As time passes one learns things and it seems that the fallout of my brother and I is a sum of multiple things, all as... stupid.

First is that my father promised to buy, Tiny and me, a flat from our future hometown which he would rent to us, and of course he had mentioned it to my brother. He just failed to mention that he backed off from his promise less than two months later.
Luckily I know my father so I was not surprised at the least. What surprises me is that my brother does not realise that. Despite being told the truth.
And anyway, had our father bought the flat it had not been under my name so it had been his and his only.

Secondly he considers that his kids were and have been treated worse than Tiny. At least by our mother.
Something one could understand if his family had not kept distance to the rest of the family since the beginning.
My mother did knit and buy tons of clothes for his kids, gave them gifts etc., but after it turned out that they were not appreciated at all and my mother stopped.
She has various things she has bought wishing that my brother's kids would visit her and could use, things that now have been given to us as we actually have use for them and we do use them.
He also seems to fail to understand that his situation was and is completely different even if we look at the basic level of me being a single parent with no support from Tiny's biofather.

It makes me wonder is he really that dim? Or has it been intentional? (Let's not get into how childish it would be to cut your sister from your life just because you think that you have been mistreated by your parent(s..).

Still, it's just so weird.

Little Grey Cells Are Moving Too

It's funny how your mind processes things. Little by little, and then continues chewing the same thing later until it's small enough to digest without problems.

While packing I have had few moments of "What the heck was I thinking?!" regarding past with mr. W., but it has also proved that I have come far in last two years.
Now I just find things tragicomic rather than sad or depressing. Even the fact that mr. W. was and is full of c*ap.

But still, out of all that was bad came out the best thing in my life: Tiny.

Maybe it's karmic in its way that out of huge pile of smelly stuff comes out so much joy.
And truth to be told I am convinced that mr. W. gets his share of Big Bad Karma sooner or later. If he hasn't already been hit with it. (If I have understood correctly it may be the case, may have been even before I kicked him out. (See, he was big fan of telling things to me... not. I just tend to read between the lines.))

It has been 25 months and in 18 days we leave this halfway home (I have considered this flat a halfway home for a long time, we needed to move here to give me distance and time to figure out who I am and what I want). It's scary, but changes always are.
If things go as planned 2015 will be so very different. In a good way.

Unexpected moves

It turns out that we don't need to live without certain stuff for two months as we were offered a place in late August... starting from October 1st.
I have accepted it (after having it inspected by my mom) and next week we'll be traveling to sign the lease (thank G-d for "Local Greyhound" selling 5 euro tickets to their less popular buses). And before it there's still heaps of stuff to do regarding the move, in addition of some packing, packing and more packing.
I am thanking myself for packing most books, DVDs, CDs and craft stash before summer. Less to pack is always less when you got have everything settled before the move. And this time it's mandatory as I am using a company to do it, for the first time ever, as I rather have someone else carry all those heavy things like my 100 kilo bookshelves and so on.

And before you ask: 74 square meters, 2 bedrooms, 2nd floor. It's an old apartment (well, 32 years old), but looks very well maintained.

We'll be moving on second of October, which is in its way a good thing as the material for admission exam is published on 1st (I applied to study BBA) and I can use my free time to study. General unpacking can be done when Tiny's awake - and after the exam.

Truth to be told

... one of the reasons mentioned in my earlier entry has to do mr. X. and his belongings.

When I told him to leave I also told him to take ALL his belongings with him when he goes.
When we came home with Tiny there was still huge amount of his stuff with a note, after badmouthing me, that he'd arrange pick-up for his things by early 2013. (What I have wondered is that why he couldn't leave his things with a friend who lives in Finland as he let me understand on several occasions that he has a ton of friends in here... )
When we moved his stuff followed and I sent an allusive email. And as you guess didn't get a reply.

And then, in 2014, before the divorce went through I asked my lawyer what to do with them she replied that if I send him a final notice with a date and he fails to comply it's up to me what to do with them... Well, I sent mr. X an email and gave him approximately three weeks to arrange the pick-up.

Less surprisingly he did not reply, but during those three weeks I waited I was under quite a lot of stress because I did not want to deal with him and all his negativity.
I had made it easier for myself by timing it so that Tiny and I were here at my mom's during that three week period and had mr. X. picked up his stuff he had met my mother, no one else.

You see, court did not decide on meetings as my lawyer did not add them in the demands when she wrote the divorce application. There was a fine reason: he can't take me to court for breach of contract if he doesn't get to meet Tiny. There is no contract so if we can not agree about meetings, there won't be any.
Not that he has ever inclined that he would want to meet his son... and if he did I would demand supervised meetings (based on kidnapping risk, lack of shared language and lack of any kind of relationship between Tiny and mr. X.) and that is completely another animal as there is bureaucracy and translator expenses, for him, before those can be started.

Anyway, my point in that is that I was afraid that he demands to meet Tiny. And as I wouldn't have agreed (as we are not at home - and because what I told in previous chapter) there would have been all kinds of lovely words.... and I am sick and tired to that kind of stuff, from anyone.

So... now I have three suitcases, one bag and two big trash bags of stuff to get rid of...
I'll give his printer to a friend whose family lives on tight budget and most of the rest will be sold to anyone who is willing to pay anything.

And continue waiting for that email when he claims that I am whatever-I-happen-to-be-at-that-moment-of-anger. And hope that he keeps his mouth shut as I did tell him that I have checked proper action regarding his things with my lawyer....

I have been absent again as I sought solitude, I needed to calm down.

I don't know where it started exactly, but I guess part of it was the relief of getting things settled regarding Tiny's custody and the divorce - and frustration for the bureaucracy after I tried to apply for child support from the government (as mr. X haven't and won't pay it). And other things.
I was in the verge of imploding for weeks, but after almost a month at the country I start to feel like myself again. And it also makes me more confident about my decision to move here, as soon as we get a place to call home.
It's quiet here, soothing. The sky is wide, highest building in the vicinity has only six stories.
It's beautiful and cozy in here, regardless of being "in the middle of nowhere" (there's ok public transport and health services seem to be good too, at least for children*).

I haven't even had the energy to think of stitching, let alone actually make stitches.
Admittedly I have had energy to have irresponsible S.E.X. to celebrate and to get my mojo back. And it has helped. Shopping. Now I at least think of stitching.

I have found Casa Cenina again after I realized that they ship with DHL when your order is over 35 euros. In layman's terms: they deliver it to your hand and usually within 24 hours after it has been shipped.
/me likey and this probably keeps me away from Sewandso from now on. (Which basically means I will be much better, right? Having one less ONS to spend my money at? )

But even I think of stitching it seems that my free time will be spent listing stuff on local auction site and it should all be listed (and preferably sold) before the material for the admission exam is published, around the end of September.
That is also the deadline for packing all the things we can live without for two months (I write like we had a place to live here already )... I think I am going to be busy for a while.

*Tiny got a 2nd degree burn on the back of his hand ~week ago and we have visited local health center twice because of it. Third time is on Monday.

Tiny thoughts in the middle of the night

It makes one wonder, when watching that beautiful little boy sleep, does his biofather (not a father, just biological father, if you ask from me) even understand what he lost by disowning Tiny?
Does he ever even think of that little boy he swore he won't meet before he comes of age?

Having been set free has made me think and remember a lot of things that happened when I left Mr. Ex II, the whys of doing that. I had almost forgot he disowned that precious little boy, even before I told him it's over.
And my simple mind simply can not understand and for someone who strives to understand that is a huge problem.

But then, I am the one who knows what a loving, funny and smart little boy Tiny is. And I know that sometimes Tiny smiles because I am his mother.
That's all one needs to know. Nothing more.

The D Word

Yes, that one. Also two words starting with letters F and C regarding Tiny.

I am free!

Stash, stash, stash, lovely stash....

As it took forever to get Tiny to bed I decided to dedicate this evening for blogging (and maybe some stitching afterwards).

I got some extra money and went crazy in regard of stash... and came to a conclusion that less money I have the better. *grin*

I have received two lovely envelopes from Sewandso...

Then I simply had to save and order few things from one closing sale...

And then my regular auto ships (and irregular auto ships *grin*) from Crazy Annie's.

And this is not all, but let's not get there before they arrive... yet. *smirk*

April Recap

I did stitch. On the last day of April... but I did stitch and that is what matters when it comes to my goals. I also managed to update my cross stitch pattern inventory as I happily packed them for future mischief.

I have to say that it was wonderful to fondle all the pretty stash.
There is over 600 patterns... and I still have to inventory books, kits, WIPs and misplaced patterns (which I know I have). *grin* If I'd make a full inventory I think I'd be closer to full value of 10 000 euros (cross stitch stash only). Quite a shocking thought, don't you think? *grin*

But, I put some stitches to my MIP (Most Important Project): Tiny's Lightning McQueen.

Its getting to a phase where it's starting to look like what it should and it makes it nicer to work with.

March Recap

My goal postings seem to be rather erratic, but better occasionally than never, right?

I didn't set any goals for the month of March, but I have stitched. not every day, but when I have had energy.
And the project of choice has not been a current WIP, but a Vervaco kit my mother bought from Tallinn per my request.

It came with aida so I dug a piece of light blue evenweave from my stash and am planning to buy a piece of Cars fabric to finish it as a pillow for Tiny.
Knowing how he is he'll go everywhere with it when it is done and pillow is a good item for carrying around. (And he gets a sofa of his own in his room as we get a new old sofa (and I thought the old old sofa would be good in Tiny's room) so he needs some pillows, right? *grin*)

Progress

I got an email from my lawyer on Thursday saying that Spanish officials had informed court that they haven't been able to find mr. Ex.
This means court will make an announcement in our "Official Paper" for Ex to give his statement regarding the divorce, custody and child support within 14 days, after which it will be ruled regardless of his lack of action.

You know, they may give me an early birthday gift. I am not sure did the announcement make it on time to be published in April's first issue, but even if it didn't (then it's published in first May issue) I may be free woman with full custody in June.

I was thinking that I may be mean and not inform Ex about the divorce or child support or custody when it goes through... *grin* He'll find it out some day. And it may come as a negative surprise as Finnish SII can and will work to get their money from him as long as he stays in EU.

Banana Cookies

Thanks to Tiny's rather erratic craving for bananas we have had quite a few overripe bananas in our house lately and I have been baking like there's no tomorrow (and my waistline has appreciated that greatly).
Today I googled banana cookies as it sounded like a fun idea and came upon this.

They came out as little cakes, but are yummy!

I replaced 1/4 of flour with coconut flour (which I love), added ½ tsp of cardamom (which I love) and replaced suggested nuts with sunflower seeds.

Absolute yumminess.

I am afraid that there may not be any left when my mom comes on Thursday even I thought it would be nice to have something sweet with coffee...

Change is good every now and then

The old title of my blog had been bothering me quite a while, but I just couldn't figure out anything positive, yet sarcastic... so, I turned to my idol Hyacinth Bucket (it's pronounced Bouquet).



Maybe should call Tiny Sheridan from now on? *grin*

The Plan

At the moment I am in a limbo regarding my, our life. The divorce (incl. custody etc.) is still in progress, thanks to slowness of our Ministry of Foreign Affairs: it took nine months from them to find out ("find out") that Spanish legislation prevents getting any real information about Ex's whereabouts without court order - but regardless they have an address. Ages old address, but it's none of my business.
It probably is my problem as the letter local court sent in the end of January may be hanging in there quite a while, even though I assume the court assumes that if there is no reply within few months he is not interested/ didn't get the letter (-> is not interested).
So, with luck I'd get out of limbo this summer.

The problem lays in us, Ex and me, having shared custody in the eyes of the law, thanks to having a child in wedlock. And basically he has his word to say regarding Tiny's whereabouts.

And I am planning to move cities this year. And in theory he could oppose it if things don't go as wanted or if we are still waiting for the verdict.

But, our constitution provides every person freedom to decide where they live, and constitution has priority over family laws.
And then there's the fact that Ex has never met Tiny nor has shown any actual interest to do so (not to mention he has never even wished him happy birthday or asked how Tiny's doing). So, my, our, city of residence bears no significance to him.

But still he can make things difficult to us just out of spite if he wishes to do so.

Anyway... in August I will apply to University of Applied Sciences, a new job and an apartment in the same city where my mom lives. Uni would be 15 kilometers from us, but granny, Tiny's most favourite person on this Earth, would be only 3 kilometers from us (or closer, if I decide to apply for an apartment from that side of the river). Which would ease our lives greatly.
One of my great worries has been that time when Tiny goes to school and I start full-time work again. He will be seven years old, has short-ish school days and in worst case scenario he has to spend a lot of time alone. And I don't want that.
This is where having granny close by makes all the difference: she can pick him up from school and look after him before I get home.

Cost of living is also a factor. I have done some research and we would pay considerably smaller rent - and real estate is far cheaper in there than it is here in Metropolitan area.
In here I could never even dream to own my home, even less to own a house whereas in there I could actually buy a house and pay it in reasonably short period of time (in comparison to house loans in here). Which is more or less necessary as my pension won't be too good and having low cost of living would help.

I sound so middle aged. *grin*

Mr. Murphy Was Here

As usual things tend to go awry when they are going well.

First I had nasty URI for over four weeks (and chances are that I got a sinusitis from it), then I shattered the screen of my phone (insurance covered 56 euros, initial bill roughly 202 euros...) and one of my teeth started acting up (its first root canal treatment visit is on Friday, oh joy!). And stress is not good for my mojo, or blogging. Or me.

But, I have been stitching a bit lately. My mom brought a Lightning McQueen cross stitch kit from Tallinn and I just had to start it, even Tiny knows nothing about it, and it is slowly beginning to look like a car (no pics as for now as I dislike my old sucky Nokia with passion).
I'll probably finish it as a small pillow or somesuch so Tiny can carry it around and adore it.

And on good news:

Mr. Tiny, also known as my little bundle of joy and/ or frustration (he is in *that* age, see), turned 2! Despite being born last week he did turn two... I guess he goes school in next month or so. *grin* (He'll start school 2019... but goes to kindergarten within a year. o.O)

So, here I am. Alive and more or less well. Just tired and stressed and so on. *grin*

I Just Can't Understand Some People

Well, most people... But I digress.

After my brother separated his ex-wife and ended living in Metropolitan area we started to get closer again, slowwwwly, but surely.
Less than 18 months ago we were talking about living in a commune... and how lucky I feel now that it never got into fruition thanks to his then SO and him getting an apartment not big enough for all of us. And shortly after Tiny and I moved here.

He got along well with Tiny (and I was happy that Tiny had a man in his life, someone he could look up to, someone to do "manly" stuff with), and even lived with us little while last year, before moving back to North.

And even after he moved I thought that we were good.

Then I realized that he had actually unfriended me at FB. With no explanation. No heated arguments, nothing.
Had anyone else done that I had just accepted it and gone forth, but he is my brother. And naïve me had thought that we were in good terms.
Turns out he had done the same to my mother, for unbeknownst reason. And apparently he does not reply when my mother tries to contact him. And this is where it gets interesting.

If it were just me one would think that he's just mad at me for some reason, but... My mother and I are close and she spends a lot of time here as she's "doing gigs" at her old workplace (she retired last year, but works to save money for her house's necessary expansion (toilet, sauna, shower, laundry management) so that she doesn't need as big loan as she otherwise would need) and we live conveniently close by.
My brother owes her money, lots of it. He has several monthly payments (loans and so forth) under my mom's name and despite having good income hasn't paid a dime in last eight months (I have certain financial arrangements with my mother too and I pay my share monthly even I am on low income), not even when he slept on our couch.

So, this sounds a bit like someone was avoiding certain people because he knows he's a slacker, because he knows my mom would be in financial hardship is she wasn't working... But it also makes one wonder is he really that thick? Or just have few important screws too loose?

I know I haven't actually been a model citizen when it comes to personal finances, but when you owe money to your mother it kind of changes things. She's not a corporation, and she has been there taking care of your sorry ass since you were born and is willing to take a marathon worth of extra miles for you despite you being a responsible adult.
And if she trusts you enough to let you make debt under her name it should also mean that you don't run away like a coward and trust that she pays it because she HAS to. She will, but she'll never ever trust you again.
And maybe I am just old-fashioned, but to me it's very important that my mom trusts me. Even more financially as, no matter how hard I want to avoid such thing, there may be a day when I need her to guarantee a loan. Or need her to back me up on some matter related to it.

And if someone helps you out of the goodness of their heart... it takes a lot of negative balls to be willing to break that trust.

When it comes to me I have more or less given up on him. I am too old for this on-off sibling relationship game, and it so happens that I don't consider him suitable as a male role model anymore. Which hurts me most in this. Not my loss, but Tiny's... well, it's not Tiny's loss really, but it's sad that men in his life seem to be somewhat, how would I put it.... idiots.

It boggles one's mind.