Year ago today...

I became a mother to this adorable little boy.

Happy birthday my dear Tiny!

And to celebrate Tiny's birthday and International Women's Day my alter ego decided to put "Women Are Angels" on sale!

Anti-compromise act: the fine print

There is a limit to compromises to remain faithful to yourself, but the question is how you know you have compromised too often?

There is no way to say that "X times is too many" as in a relationship based on love, understanding, respect and trust you should not have to question anything.
Even less you should be questioning is your partner worth of all the compromises or which one of you compromises more than the other. As it is not a competition, it's supposed to be all about love. All about wishing the best for the one you love, all about helping them and all about not being selfish.

And still you should remain selfish to stay honest to yourself, keep your vision clear to see when you are beginning to lose yourself or when you are being bossed around.

What about us silly folks you have raised up to help others, to walk that extra mile for people? We have been raised up to be emphathetic, but does it need to mean we keep losing ourselves? Or do we just choose the wrong people? Do wrong people just choose us?

In my case the question is how the heck I have ended ending two marriages if I am as good as I am told I am? Or is it just like 1st husband said after we broke up, that I am too kind and good and people will use me because of that?

Do I have the "Good Guy Syndrome"? Or am I, as said before, a half-broken thing?

Anti- compromise act

I've come to understand why some men I've met during my life have stated that they are sick of compromising.
Turns out that they weren't immature and selfish, or if they were I've become immature and selfish - which I don't really believe.

It just dawned to me that my problem, one of them, in relationships is my ability and willingness to compromise. Which is a good trait, but one should also be faithful to herself.

Which is something I've failed to do.

I've been unfaithful to myself by being the one who always compromises, understands, forgets without even the simplest "sorry dear", and the one who forgets herself in order to be a good partner.

And today I realized that somehow I've happily accepted things I didn't ever realize I had accepted, before now.
And somehow I didn't stand up when things that were completely normal things in a relationship were told being somehow wrong, or wicked as he so often judged things that weren't like he thought things should be.
I can emphatise as I think I know why he saw world as he does, and I feel sorry for him because he loses so much of life's beauty.

ETA (as my phone didn't want to edit):

But remember dearest me that if you are not accepted as you are, nor your habits or your likings then he is not worth it.
No matter how much you care for that person he is not worth it if he doesn't show that you are worth your weight in gold.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I don't know how to start this or what I should say, but I need to talk about it.

Turns out that he has a mental block, which makes him vomit after sex. Repeatedly.
And now I don't know why I am crying.

I admit. It *is* really sad as, well, he's a nice guy and we actually has quite much fun until... you know.

And he had to leave as he'll spend the night with his nausea meds and a bucket. Which probably is part of why I am sad. I had wanted him to stay overnight, as did he. He had hoped it had passed. Obviously it hadn't.

Someone might say that this is what you get from dating divorced men. But honestly... divorced man with kids has higher probability to understand where I am standing.
It just happens that I had met that man whose body is a very clear mirror of his soul.

He is seeking help. Interestingly he did it now, after three years and after meeting me... just a coincidence probably regardless..

And I don't like the feeling that I am kind of left hanging. Not by him, but me. But, call me crazy, there's something in that man I am no ready to give up just yet.

As I said I know I am crazy. I just have this feeling about him.

And now I am sad.

Remember this?

Well, it seems that if nothing else we'll have something in common: adult play dates at my place. *grin*

We have been talking at Facebook occasionally as we have both been incredibly busy, but last two nights our conversations have been such that physical relationship between us can't be avoided. And well, why should it?

I have started to feel amazingly amazing thanks to our conversations - and that's a lot after all that complaining and bitching Mr. Formerly Wonderful did. Not to mention how incredibly unsexy and insane he made me feel...

And all the sudden I am called sexy, hot, intelligent, good mother and so on. By someone who has met me. By someone who has followed me on FB for couple of months.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know, but after everything Mr. Ex-W. said, did, left unsaid and undone it is a lot.
All the sudden I am not that lazy ass, fat, lying, messy and unreasonable bitch, but someone who has brains and soul, and a body to desire. Body with all that excess fat and drooping breasts, with stretch marks and dry skin. Body that is beautiful regardless.

And I am taking the leap of faith again, because I need that now. Even if nothing comes out of it, but reminding me how wonderful I am.

And my body needs to be touched again, after such a long time.

Yes, I am unconditional

Some time ago I was thinking could I ever, in that highly unlikely eventuality that pigs would fly, take Mr. To-Be-Ex back and realized that no I couldn't, never ever.
I can forgive a lot, but there is one thing I could never forgive: father willingly abandoning his own child.

I can never understand that, nor I can never respect that person again.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

The clock is ticking. I finally sent the divorce papers to court this morning. We should be able to pass the consideration period and get it sentenced without delay (unless they want to inform him, and that is another matter. Or rather another month or two) as we have never officially lived together.

Tick tock.

It ain't pretty, but ain't it the truth?

When I was contemplating on leaving Tiny's father I had a thought about changing Tiny's surname to protect him from his father (after getting full custody). Then I started to think that in the end it's not my decision, but if Tiny wants to change his own name when he is older I will let him do it...

But lately I have been re-thinking about it and I have come to conclusion that usually children don't carry sperm donor's surname... as that is all Tiny's father has been to him based on how things have been and how they seem to be.
If his father has no interest towards his son he is, in my opinion, nothing else but a sperm donor I am married to. If his father considers his own ego more important than his son's well being and happiness he is nothing but a sperm donor. And hence my son should, when I get full custody, have my surname.

Admittedly it would also be easier for us if we had same surname (as I am taking my maiden name back) and as my maiden name sounds European (vs. his Nigerian surname) it would help improve Tiny's possibilities in this country. Even though his first name and my maiden name make him sound Italian, but in here it isn't as bad as having an African surname - as let's face it: there are rotten eggs everywhere.

It would also make it easier when he goes to kindergarten and from there to school. There would hopefully be fewer preconceptions about things - even though fact is that there will be such as Tiny won't grow up looking like your average Finnish child, but then nothing about him is average (at least if you ask from me ).

I know Tiny's father will have some nasty opinions about me, but I can live with that. If he had one non-egoistic bone in him that would not happen, but you will sleep in the bed you make...

The Abundance of Stash, Part 1

There is SO much new stash that I haven't been able to blog because it's simply overwhelming... so, I think this entry is more about pretty stash and less about writing.

Actually there has been so much of incoming stash that I had to divide this entry anyway as it would have become WAY too picture heavy. Even though stash pictures are always pleasant I am afraid it might cause nausea and dizziness...

Phew!

The Secret Life of Tiny

I remember promising pictures AGES ago, so here he comes: Tiny.

Pictures are not in chronological order, as you may notice. *grin*

Today Tiny and I went to see a social worker to make custody arrangements. Or rather we pieced together a custody agreement suggestion (full custody, supervised meetings and so forth). It will be sent to Spain, to local embassy, and if Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the local embassy actually manage to find him they will do their best to get him to sign it.
If he doesn't accept it and sign it we go to court. If they can't find him we go to court. So basically the odds are that we go to court.

Luckily I can get free lawyer and free trial because I am on low income. Whereas Tiny's father can't... so, if he is smart, taking that he is found, he signs the paper. Otherwise it's court and I don't think he could afford a lawyer and even if he did... he could only try to make minor changes to meetings and so forth. And knowing local system his skin colour and nationality are against him, as is the fact that he has never seen Tiny. Or kept contact. Or supported Tiny financially. And that I have a proof where he states that he is not going to meet his son before he is an adult.

They'd eat him for breakfast.

Anyway, let's see does this take few months or few years.

Can of worms

I have had certain thought for a while..

This move has been a good move (har har) as it has given me space to think and process things and face some ugly possibilities.

To be honest I am not at all certain did Tiny's father, ex-to-be, want Tiny after all, despite what he said when we met and discussed about the matter.
He probably was lulled into the thought that I really was barren, even I had told him I didn't believe it would impossible for me to get pregnant. And he was wrong, he hated to be wrong...

First of all: when I found out I was pregnant I was in a different city so I called him. And let's say he wasn't exactly thrilled. Or happy. Or positively surprised.
And you would imagine that if your wife tells you appr. two years after you skip birth control because kids would be nice that she is pregnant you would be thrilled. At least I would.
But then again I am a bit odd.

He wanted to skip first sonogram because "it is so early in the morning!". It was as early for me. And I was the one who was exhausted 24/7 and had all-the-day-sickness.
And again, you would imagine that a man who has waited for the good news for TWO years would be joining his wife happily, regardless how early he have to wake up.
Regardless, I dragged him there. And he moped the whole time.

And the second sonogram... we got the appointment with the invitation to the first one AND I reminded him appr. 1½ weeks before it was and still he "forgot" and rather went to see his buddy - no way he would have cancelled it, it was "too important". Yeah...

He never asked during the pregnancy how the baby is doing, or commented when I told him the antenatal visit news. Nor he reacted in any way when I told him that Tiny's kicking already (he started 12+5 and you can tell: he has STRONG legs) or when I told him that I had seen the first kick.

He never asked do we need something for the baby. Only when I was full-term he started bitching have I bought everything!
So, everything Tiny had when he was born was bought by me or my parents.

He has, mind you, bought few items of clothing last summer, but naturally he didn't listen to me when I told him that Tiny is a big boy and it would be better to buy 80 cm and up as he was already using 74 cm (1 year) clothes. So, he got 74 cm clothes, which meant, of course, that Tiny has used one shirt and one sweater jacket. Once.

Since I left him he hasn't asked once how Tiny's doing. And as I see it he would be interested of his child IF he had really wanted to have him

He has never assisted me financially or even asked do I need money. And naturally after I left him there hasn't been any sign of child support. Even, once again, one would imagine otherwise if the child was wanted. That he would want to do the right thing for his own son's benefit.
Fun thing in this is that as child support will eventually be paid by SII he will be in debt to SII, something he hates. As he apparently does not realize that thanks to EU SII can and will go after their money and it will haunt him as long as he resides in EU area.

And oh... Tiny was never our son, he was your son and in one occasion, I think, my son.

Stash p0rn!

I am incurable! Luckily I won't afford new stash before spring so this stash p0rn will stop for a while after ALL that stuff I have ordered arrives to this side of the pond... and that is quite a reasonable pile of stuff.

But, without further ado: stash!

I managed to snatch two BEAUTIFUL Solos from Silkweaver's Facebook sale. Or three. I am not sure is that brown one solo or a regular, but it is really pretty too. Chocolatey brown with slight, but noticeable variation.

And apparently they think that I am a good customer as I got an extra with the fabrics:

And naturally I have received yet another envelope from One Star's Light (liquidation sale is still on, -40% with TheLastHurrah in your shopping basket!)

I have hoarded those LHN chart packs as they are practically free! What I have paid doesn't even cover the price of the floss so I had no excuse to leave them at OSL. *grin*
But admittedly all this saving is rather expensive... Anyway, I also ordered some HDF silks for "For This Child..."

"Robin Egg" and "Dragon Hoard" and I think I'll choose dragon one as Tiny is a dragon AND that is FAR more pretty.
Now I just need to decide on fabric... like for every Crazy January Challenge 2013 project. Even for Flora McSample one as one of the flosses is exact match for the fabric. Or maybe I change the green floss.

And now I am off to stalk our postie, there is a lot of stash waiting to arrive and I am certain that postie holds my stash hostage and fondles it without my permission....

I know I am an evil bitch, but I really hope Tiny's father does not respond to my latest email. Which I sent yesterday requesting his address and phone number (and I did send pics and tell how Tiny's doing).

If he doesn't reply to it he makes it so much easier for me to get the sole custody. As in addition to us living in different countries his inability to communicate would weight heavily against shared custody.

I hope that he keeps his word in this and doesn't want to keep any contact with us before Tiny's an adult. Because, as cruel as it is, it makes it easier for me and Tiny.

Stash sneaking in

I have several shipments coming from USA (ton of stuff from One Star's Light and a new shower curtain from CafePress), but for some reason the one that arrived this week was one of the latest orders... maybe 1-2-3 Stitch! is in good terms with postal services as their envelopes have always arrived in due course.

Little clearance finds again, they have had great designs there lately.

Dragon Dreams!

Jennifer has the cutest 12 Days of Christmas series in the making in Dragon Dreams' Facebook page so hop over if you have missed it!

I must stitch those for Tiny as he is a dragon baby - and coming to think of it I probably need to buy Ellen Maurer-Stroh's Dragon Baby and stitch it for Tiny.

Outsider parenting

As some of you know I have always felt more or less an outsider in this world. Sometimes the feeling goes away. Only to return at some point.

I have come to realize that that feeling is back. I don't feel like belonging to any peer groups regarding my parenthood and even though I can talk about people's interests and their topics I feel an outsider. Whether it is mother's with babies and partners or single parents.
Somehow I don't fit into either category. That I don't really know what they are talking about even we are more or less in same situation in life.

Or is it just that I don't share other people's problems, period? Or maybe I just have an amazingly easy child - which is not true.

Most likely it's all about the way I look at life and things. I seem to see goodness in everything (my mom heard that she has cataract and scarring in both eyes and I was immediately looking at the bright side: now she can afford to pay the surgery as she'll retire soon and her expenses decrease as she will only have one home to keep up) no matter what.
As I was overly optimistic.

Yes, Tiny keeps me awake at nights: he still drinks milk 1-4 times a night, he has very bad case of teething going on, housework is lagging behind, he is really a momma's boy and I basically can't have any hobbies outside home. Basically we are attached from the hip.
But so what? That is how it is with a baby. They grow, they learn, they are dependent. I am his only safe full-time adult, of course he wants my attention. I have been there for him since the moment he saw the hospital lights for the first time and if he wasn't so dependent I would be worried.

If I wanted I could sleep 12 hours a night (excl. feedings), if I wanted I would be able to take two showers every day. And I do, but it is my own damn fault that I don't get bed when Tiny does and it's my own damn fault that I don't shower when he sleeps. (I could shower when he is awake, but he loves our shower a bit too much to stay away from the water.)

Sometimes I do wonder how women with a partner and a healthy, average child can claim they are SOOOOO exhausted. How they can be if I, being alone and having a chronic illness that has negative effect on your energy levels, am not?
Or is the difference that I don't worry if there is some dirty laundry or dishes? I don't need to be THAT perfect, not now.
Maybe it is beneficiary for me to be alone with Tiny? No energy spent for social niceties and trying to be perfect. Tiny's happy lad as long as he has clean diaper, clean clothes, milk, food, his mommy and something to do/ play with. He doesn't care if there is dirty laundry or the flat is not spotless.

Heaven/ I'm in Heaven

In stashy heaven, to be precise.

One of those bazillion stitchy groups I belong to in Facebook is strictly Stitch-A-Long group and those evil people scheduled a "Cirque de Coeurs" SAL starting from coming Valentine's Day and... My reasoning ended at that point where I found pretty and cheap floss perfect for it. *grin*

Said floss is Anchor's variegated 1206.

And naturally I justified postages while at it and got these from 1-2-3 Stitch!'s Clearance section.

Tiny loved the caterpillar design when he saw it so I guess I must stitch it for him. Though I'll modify the fairy child's skin and hair colour a bit.

I have also managed to kit DMC part of all of my "Crazy January Challenge" projects (and I was told that it was originally a Finnish idea so I kind of have another excuse here). Luckily floss is cheaper in Tallinn as there's 40 skeins for CJC projects (and four skeins of Variations).

I also found this 40% off.

If I am not completely mistaken the design has all St. Petersburg's famous churches pictured.

And my friend Niina came to visit couple of days ago and brought me lovely housewarming gifts!

But now I must (oh yes, dreadful) start stitching! I managed to misplace my almost finished ornament exchange piece during the move and have to stitch new one. And of course as I am in a hurry (mail-out was yesterday) I chose to stitch it over one...