Long time, no see...

Yes, it's me. Few changes in my life since last entry.

"Indian affair" ended. And I was right why things happened how they happened when we broke up. I met him yesterday first time since we broke up. Now I know most of the facts, but still I don't understand him. Now I just feel pity for him as he loved me, loves me and misses me like hell. It's always touching to have someone crying in your arms like a child... So naked mentally.

It's so hard sometimes to be "always" right, it's hard to understand basic human behaviour and know that someone left you even he wouldn't like to do it. It's hard to see someone bursting into tears because you told that you know why A, B and C happened.

These words from him make me cry, but they make the memory of him beautiful - and painful:
"I love(d) you. I love(d) you so much."
"You were best thing which happened to me in years"
"I still miss every little thing."

It was hard evening but it helped me. I also know that it's not what happened to him. Because now he knows that I don't hate him and that I am not mad at him.

---

And... celebration time! I am free at last! Divorce papers came few days ago. I've been miss Peri since 31. 3. 2005.

Why should I understand?

Mostly it's impossible to understand human beings and their acts and ways of thinking... but on the other hand, is there really any need to try to understand the majority?

Maybe I just should accept the fact that I can never be like them, I can never think like them and because of that fact I can never understand the majority in deeper level.

Being an intelligent woman is a curse, but it is also a bliss on it's own perverted way. Even it's a bit sad to think what are my chances to find friends or lovers who are in my mental level. I do know that this sounds egoistic but it is my truth. I couldn't live with someone who isn't able to use one's brains.

I am very pro-laziness but being mentally sloth is 8th deadly sin.(...even I don't believe in aspect of sin...)

Family related issues

So...

I thought that everything would be OK because my mom didn't get a mental stroke when she realised that her son-in-law candidate isn't "blonde European". Once again I noticed that it isn't wise to assume anything...

Problems came in the form of my father(I thought he'd be open-minded just because he is well-educated... How stupid of me.). I have to say that even I know that he is an a*****e (Sounds quite cruel, I know) he surprised me.

... oh, the amount of stereotypes and ignorance in him (and in his partner but I forgive her as I am not her daughter...). I'm still SO mad I can't even think straight.... Grr.. And for some reason, even I would like to repeat what he said it's difficult... His attitude bothers me... "I have nothing against foreigners but..." That 'but' is quite revealing...

He makes me sad. Because even I really can't say that I care about him he is still my father. Even he is idiot, even he made my (our lives) life miserable in past... No matter what, he's my father. Only genetic connection but... I just have this odd thought that my happiness matters something to my father. Apparently I was wrong.

For some reason every time when I start to believe that there's real alive human being inside of him he does something which destroys my foolish hallusinations...

BTW

It's 20th week now... And still I don't regret it. ;)

AND....


I haven't been this happy since... since... I can't even remember when.



Falling in love is good for me. :)

I should be in bed....

...but I am not so here I am again.

12 weeks since we met.

I know that I am sentimental little fool but every new week is a victory. :) Only sad thing in my life is the fact that we can't meet in couple of weeks as he is going to see his family, but I'll survive.

It's odd, and sad that I really am afraid of love. I'm afraid of loving and being loved. I'm afraid of showing my love, I'm afraid of saying it. Anyway, I have said it and life is better, nothing changed - at least not in a bad way.

Saturday, those few hours in the morning and afternoon before I left, was amazing. At least part of it. I had already forgot how good it feels to lay on the sofa, watch a rather silly Bond movie and feel the warmth of someone dear. Just stay there and notice how good it feels to be with him in there, in that moment - and how good it felt to feel his arms around me...

Do I sound silly? :) Good. I am happy and I like it.

-----------

Then to the misc s**tty things.

My X is coming to visit in Wednesday, and he'll stay few days before he continues his trip.

In theory I have nothing against it, it was my idea allthough to see and so on - as I just like to see him and have a decent gossip marathon.

...but...

Maybe I just have a stage fever or something but I've bad feeling about this visit... don't know why. Maybe it's because I know him. And even I may sound little egoistic I think that he hasn't got over me yet - even he has somekind of gf/ fb (To be honest I have sometimes this feeling that he tries to make me jealous... But I don't get why? I have my own life now and I'm not very interested of that who he shags or loves...).

And then... we agreed that we have to talk about our relationship and what the hell went wrong because some things affect to my current relationship. Nothing in wrong about that but... I know my X. If I say "When [___] I felt bad because blahblahblah.." he says that I just always blame him and in the end it was my fault... (OMG! How did I manage to stay that long with him? :O)

Well, anyway it can be good to even try to talk about past with him - even it can be disaster.

-------

Back to important things. ;)

It's odd how hiding my feelings from him and from me affected to my life, our lifes, in a negative ways. I lost couple of weeks completely (And I mean _lost_ as I don't even remember those weeks...) as it was devastating to keep inside of me that fact I have lost my heart to him.

How someone can be afraid of love? Yes, easily, I know but on the other hand that sounds so silly.

Back again

I read this blog from start and found interesting dream:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/snowprincipessa/5615.html


I really do have some problem with approving the fact that someone can really have feelings for me, that I am worth loving and have a beautiful soul. I got this SMS from him last night

"Good night :) you have beautiful heart :)"

And my reactions to it were...
1. Oh joy! A SMS!
2. How sweet of him.
3. ...maybe it wasn't ment for me?
4. ...he send it to wrong number....
5. ...What the hell am I thinking? Of course he send it to me. :)

So, here am I blaming totally innocent man for others mistakes. Just because my ex treated me like shit I think that A. will do it to me too... :( I am blaming totally innocent man just because he is a man and I've been treated like shit by some men....

I am a idiot.

...idiot who is falling to him...

I am a prejudicing idiot.

So. I have quite much mental work to do before I am back to normal. It's sad that I have to go trough my mind once again to be happy.

Ok, in fact I am happy now but I can't just enjoy because my mind is little mixed... Which is a pity, really.

It has been a while....

Yes, I am still alive. Very much alive in fact.


It'll be nine weeks today. Someone came and stole my little heart. And soon I maybe'll start to believe that I am not dreaming - when ever that day comes...


I've known him few months and I never thought that he'd be anything else but a buddy of mine. Just a person with whom it was nice to talk in IM now and then when there were nothing else to do. For some reason it's hard to realize that 9 weeks and a day ago he was only a friend. He was only a friend 9 weeks ago when I met him. And after it... nothing has been the same.


I just can't get how it all happened. I know what happened but why and how? In fact I am still little amazed of that. Because it all felt so natural, like things had always been like that between us. (In fact I am still wondering why he invited me to spend an evening with him and his friends. Why me? And why I have to analyze everything into pieces? ;) Which is quite odd and -for some odd reason- quite scary fact in this whole relationship of ours. For the first time of my life I am not scared in a relationship. It's scary that I can trust him, I have no need to doubt him...



And why in earth it is scary? Shouldn't I be extremely pleased about it? Yes, I should but when you're used to be something or do certain things it's hard to notice that it's no more "the way". Maybe I just don't want to be appreciated as myself, maybe I am just afraid of being loved some day.


And apparently I feel unnecessary guilt because I've found someone after just few weeks after my ex moved away. Even my ex has been very encouraging - in fact we're good friends with him nowadays:) - I feel this pressure from surrounding society. And "I didn't plan this", I intended to be alone some time before going back to market. ;) OK, I've heard that you can't plan things like this... odd. :)


I always thought that my mother is very xenophobic - because I have heard her opinions about foreigners- but now... (Maybe I have to thank my 'sis' for coming out of his closet...;) I was very surprised of my mom's reaction when I mentioned to her that he's originally from India. The 'old' version of my mom would have acted quite bad ways, but this 'new' version... She wants to meet him some day. :O
Ok, maybe it affects that he has good, steady job in here and he's well educated, but I think that 'the thing' is that he's good cook - I have mentioned that couple of times. ;) I know that my mom has a weak spot for cooking men. :)


But... I'm SO tired. I think I'll continue later as I have things on my mind still. :)

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

Last night I had 'interesting' experience. I was thinking about what went wrong in my marriage...
I realized that I never felt needed, almost everything was more important than I was - and when things finally changed I couldn't care less anymore...

For first time in my life I really felt physically sick because of sadness in me. But when I fell asleep I slept better than I have slept in ages. And I saw very interesting dream about one person... It confused me as I trust my dreams... but I am also quite happy because of that dream. Only time will tell how 'true' that one was.

The haze I have been living in this week is gone now. I feel good again. :)

...I am boring... ;)

Love


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
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Very OT.... not to sensitive persons...

which Ghastly character are you?


this quiz was made by Zaedite

..or depending my answers...






which Ghastly character are you?


this quiz was made by Zaedite

Oh, he is so adorable :)

Even more OT....

A TAN Dragon Lies Beneath!

My inner dragon is the true draconic magic-user. Deep down I am very wise, somewhat shy, and I have a rather short fuse. But don't worry, tans prefer to spend their time counting their enormous treasure, so pass quietly and you'll stay out of danger. Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.

... OT of this day...

Take the quiz: "Which hair color suits your personality?"

Black
Ahhh...Black...a very cool hair color...and A very cool person! You aren't into poems and gushy stuff like the brunette...But you're not out there like the blonde...You are truly cool....WHAT?!?! your hair isn't black??? Well...It SO should be..

More OT

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Very OT again

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studyin

Fourth week has begun. And I am happy.

OT of the day, second and original edition

I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Elf Druid Ranger


Alignment:
Chaotic Neutral characters are unstable, and frequently insane. They believe in disorder first and foremost, and will thus strive for that disorder in everything they do. This means that they will do whatever seems 'fun' or 'novel' at any given time.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Deity:
Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

OT of the day

I Am A: Lawful Good Half-Elf Druid


Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.


Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.


Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan!

It is done now. So many tears cried, so many memories gone trough again. Now only thing I want is go to bed and cry my eyes and heart out. I even consider selling my heart to someone. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to cry these tears.

But who said they'll ask me?