I've packed his stuff today and now I feel quite.. not sad but I am not very cheerful or happy like I usually am.

And like that weren't enough... there is so much hatred in this world, in people, that my little mind can't really understand it all. Ok, hate is feeling and I try to approve it because of that but why they hate me even they don't know me? And why? Because I happen to be intelligent and WOMAN. Frigging odd. Ok, I know that most humans can't stand intelligent people in general... but anyway. So, people make me feel miserable just because I am intelligent. Like that is my fault... sometimes it would be so much easier without brains and heart.

*sigh*

I don't miss sex that much and that is quite ood in fact when we are talking about me... I miss tenderness and intimacy... but not just any type of them, I need those seasoned with love.
It is awful to sleep when no one isn't holding you close to him, or have his hand on your hip while you sleep. The lack of togetherness is awful...
There is no one when you go to sleep, no one when you wake up. No one to laugh or cry with.

My skin is lonely... it needs touching, caressing...

I miss loving someone. And now it is even harder than before as I know what I want and that is a lot, maybe even too much... At least now it feels that world is full of idiots and most of those idiots are after sex. Nothing against it but love first... I am quite old-fashioned nowadays. :)

He is away for about three weeks. First I felt miserable for being alone but then I realized that I am free. Free to do what ever I want to do. I am relieved.

Of course I miss his presence as I am used to it. But finally I feel free to do things... like rearrange furniture etc. :) As I just can't do anything when he is at home. It is odd, really. I have done more today than I have done in last week... Why he has that bad influence on me?

I feel guilty for being happy because he is not here but I know that there's nothing wrong in it.

I have been quiet almost three weeks. Well, life is quite hard sometimes...

He got an apartment, rented it from his dad. Even I feel happy I feel extremely sad. Of course this is hard for me. I would be scared if it would be easy. Now I just have so many practical issues to handle. I have to have new lease to this apartment, even it feels extremely odd. Well, I have to do it in the morning. No matter how hard it feels.

Sometimes it feels like I can never ever fall in love again. But I think that it will happen again, when it is time. When I found someone with smiling eyes and warm heart.
At least I have my dreams... and capability for daydreaming. I think those keep me sane in those hard moments when it would be nice to kill someone... my greatest fear is that Him will not move in July... as it should be deadline.

Accidents do usually happen in combos, so I am still waiting what will be the third one as I heard couple of days ago that my brother is separating/ divorcing too. Kind of spooky, ain't? Both separations during same spring... I think it must be those spots in the Sun. I just hope that he will get their kids...

This is getting harder day by day.. living with him. I am more and more annoyed being with him in daily-basis...

Here we go again.

He mopes like five-year-old because he hasn't listen what I had said to him earlier. Apparently it is my fault that IRC isn't web-based... and he don't know how to use it - he should ask that from me as I do know but no... It is my fault that I know how to use it. Everything seems to be my fault again.

And soon he will swear his undying love, I am sure of it.
Yesterday he got mad because I refused to hold his hand when we were walking back from grocery. Why should I hold his hand? I don't understand, as he should remember that I don't love him in that way anymore - he should remember that it was the reason for me to start this separation process.
As I can't trust him I can't love him anymore. I even shouldn't love him because of that. And if I don't/ can't love someone I see no point to live with him anymore - and I have great doubts being married with him... I think there is no hope for us. Even he thinks there is.

Maybe he just don't understand what I say to him.

Marriage is all about love, love is all about trust and without trust there is nothing. I think I am quite realistic when it comes to relationships and love. I know there can't always be only happiness, there is always days of sorrow.
And I do miss that, happiness and sorrow with someone I love and who loves me back equally.

I saw odd but beautiful dream last night. In fact it was not even that odd, even I felt odd -but happy-after I woke up.
In my dream I found someone strong-minded to love even I did not think him in that way in the beginning of that dream. He was "just" my friend, I could not even think him being anything else than a friend...
..then I kissed him- and he kissed me.(And as kissing should be something macigal... Haven't had kiss like that in ages...)

And even it was a dream I felt ecstatic, good, loved... I felt better than I have felt in years. Everything felt so good and I knew why I fell in love with that man from my dream.

Ok, it was just a dream but my dreams have always some meaning in them... And I think I know what I wanted to say to me.

So many days without anything to write.

Too many "I love You's" from him. As many awkward situations for me. As it just feels that he tries to get what he have lost ages ago.

I'm heading toward tomorrow and he still loves me. Ok, I have to say that I admire him because of that, but so many words, so few acts. And for some reason I feel that he hates me because for this situation but he just can't stop loving me. He is too weak, too much Mr. Nice Guy.

Well, now I know what I want from man... I really do, I just have to learn not to fall in to another one "I have to save". I need someone stubborn enough, someone with his own free will. Someone strong and reliable, who keeps what he says...

That sounds like some sort of personal ad.:)

This situation makes me desperate. I can't do anything by myself, I can't even read even I should because I have to keep this place at least somewhat clean.
He is really like a little child - even I have said about cleaning his mess (..about thousand times...) he just wont learn his lesson... I am getting really messed up here. Too much demands for me. I am beginning to lose my hope.

If I say that he should do something in here as I have to read he says "Of course" but wont do anything... And so I can't read, I can't do anything I like to as he takes my space. He takes my breath away and I will choke soon...

I'm going to say about this to him even I know his reaction to it. There will be huge fight once again, one broken heart inside me, too many tears to count... And finally I am the one who asks for forgiveness. Once again I am the coward, that crazy woman who likes to make him feel guilty.

And all this just because I fell in love with him 6 years ago. If this is love, I don't want to fall in love again... Even I hate loneliness, if this is the price to pay, I say no, never again...

Sometimes he acts like little child, mopes about little things and then waits that I ask for forgiveness.Not very equal, I think.
I realized yesterday that he narrows my personality - there are no room for me and to who I am. Only room for his personality. No wonder I was unhappy

I think that He had some odd image of me all those years - as he was surprised when I said today that I know I can be awful, cranky lady when I want to - and even when I do not want it.

Of course I have my faults, I am not an angel or anything idealized thing like that. I am just human with all my faults and I like it. Even I try to to be "better" person - I do not like my faults that much.:) But they also make me humane.

I wonder my dad. It seems to me that he has something against this. It feels like he thinks that I am stupid little girl who do not know how to live or how to love. Well, he is not the one who taught me that to me so it would be better for him to keep his mouth shut.
Maybe it is that because I am leaving man with rich dad. Who cares? Money is nothing when it comes to love - of course having some money helps... well, we have not had that....waiting for inheritance, I would say.

"If love can end it was not love in the first place." Well, apparently that means that he was not in love with my mom when he married her - and divorced 20 years later. Well, it was in the end my moms idea but it was too late anyway I think. And that is one reason why I made my decision: I do not wanna be 50 year old woman who has no good memories of her marriage. Only good things in those 20 years were we, her kids. Sad life.

I am speechless I have to say.

I was good, normal person only when I was "happily" married - before and after it I am just a loser. Person without any worth, without humanity. Very encouraging indeed.
I am used to this but it still feels bad. My only worth was in my relationship to future-inheritance. My own dad is measuring my worth by my mans possessions... oh my.

Fortunately He is wiser. He said that he loves me enough to set me free and if someone else makes me happier than he could he just have to cope with that.

No one can, because we are all humans and different because of it. He made me happy in his way, someone else makes me happy in someone else's way. And that is how it is.

It is funny how I notice new annoying things in Him daily basis nowadays. I even liked some of those things in him, some of those annoying habits.

I also noticed today that he really is not anything else to me than a good friend I have had sex with.
..and lived with last five years... And loved.

Life is very surprising thing.

I think I should really start to sleep completely on my own, even it is not very enjoyable. But for some reason I can't sleep next to him anymore either - I can but only dog sleep. It is even hard to fall a sleep next to him.

It seems to me that he even does more houseworks nowadays but... how late he is. But apparently - unfortunately - some men are so naive that they can't see the reality and just think that their woman will always love them, no matter what.
Well, I learned my lesson - hopefully. Now I know what I want from man.
But we have to see what my stupid heart says about it.:) She usually has plans of her own. And as stupid one I do like she wants me to do. :)

This is really getting weird. I feel guilty for not being sad.

I feel extremely good, happy. I could run to the moon and back now or go to the streets and yell how wonderful life is. And for what reason? In fact I am not quite sure but... I have a hunch. I like this. Unfortunately I can't yell because it is night now and neighbors would not like it.:) Damn I feel SO good. Soon I start to wonder what the hell am I doing but who cares about it? I am happyhappyhappy!:) And very sober.:) Life is so good.

Jumping for joy.:)

Even I have my sad moments this seems to be the best thing to do - at least for me. For some reason when he says he loves me I don't feel bad or want to reply in the same way, it just feels little awkward. And now when my family knows about this my stress is suddenly fading away and I have strength again to do things I haven't done in ages. I feel refreshed, mentally. Physically I am still quite exhausted but I will get over it.
...and I always thought that this will be the end of the world. Silly me.:)

Maybe this is this easy as I have in fact been thinking this option almost 3 years... I have done most of my grieving already, now I just have to start cope with facts.

... this is quite unfair in a way. But I knew it can not be that easy to get rid of love that lasted so long.
I always thought we have kids some day and grow old together. I thought I will always love him no matter what... and now he is moving away from here and I have lost my love. In my mind my life was great even we had our difficulties... maybe I just were wearing pink glasses, or maybe it was love. I considered myself lucky because I found my loved one so young. Even I were waited for him all my life.... It is always hard to give up, I know. I also need this feeling, otherwise I will be unhappy for the rest of my life. Love is a bitch sometimes. But it is worth it. In the end it is only thing that matters in life. Love makes world go around - sometimes it just stops it.
Human beings are odd. Love makes you cry and feel like shit but still we fell in love again if we "have" to. Well, there is no happiness without suffering. And sometimes being miserable is even fun.

Waiting for better times.

We told it. In fact whole family knows now. Knows and knows, they will know when they read my message from the family's message board. I am eager to see their reactions...
Telling was surprisingly easy but it was also SO hard. Fortunately one do not have to do things like this in daily-basis.:)

And I told a little white lie to them... "We have not even talk about divorce yet..." Yes we have, but it seems to me that we talk about that again after he has his own place. In fact we have talked about what kind of person we would like to meet and fall in love to... Odd conversation for married couple, even separating one.:) But we are realists, fortunately.
It can happen... that one of us finds someone. Even it is against all odds. Especially it can be problem for me, as for some reason it seems to be quite hard for some men to realize that I really do not care what man looks like (Ok, of course there have to be something that I like but fortunately I love smiling eyes:) if he has pair of functioning brains. And if chemistry works. Second problem.... I know that for some people it is hard to realize that I can not make any commitments before I see that person. You can have a severe crush to someone but you just can not really fall in love without meeting that person. Maybe I am dull realist but if one can not respect my views one can not respect me neither so...
I know my worth and I have learned to respect myself. I have even learned to love my body for what it is. I am quite proud of myself. In fact I am madly in love with me.;)

It is so odd to talk about "my husband" so maybe I should just talk about "him". It would be suitable and nice name for him.:)

I had... we had interesting conversation last night. In fact many of those... We are really getting along, as friends. We agreed that we are more better persons as friends than married couple. We maybe never ever even should get married, but we did. And that is not bad thing in general. We had wonderful time, but it seems that it was fate that we got married. We were both broken and we needed each other to heal - and now we are fine, few fine lines here and there showing that we were broken-hearted ones... It is funny, we should be devastated but it seems to me that this was the best solution to us.:)
Life is really weird. Well, I have not lost anything. I got really good friend.:) ... as it is really, really hard to find anyone for that job... Maybe I am just too picky.:)

This little voice in my head is yelling that this is too easy! There have to be some kind of problems or at least self-destruction... But I do not care about it. I feel good. I feel happy. Life is wonderful, life is good. So Mr.Little Voice... Shut up!:)