Life carries on - and so on

I have learned something this year. There's one thing harder than death of a loved one: waiting for their death.

Life between February and August was difficult because you did know that he was going to die, despite what he said, but you didn't know when and how long the palliative care period would be. As, despite all our confrontations, no one wanted that he had to suffer.
Last days of August were the hardest as we knew he had it bad after they sent him back to hospital instead of keeping him at local health centre waiting to be released back home. And the worst in whole thing was that I knew that one of those days I had to tell Tiny some really bad news. There's nothing more heartbreaking than having to tell your child that someone they love dearly has died.

But life carries on. My father's estate inventory is done and his possessions shared, on a paper at least. Bureaucracy takes time. (And I do foresee some butt hurt from our brother, poor thing gets his share as sole cash.)

And surprisingly....
It seems that my bad credit has cleared - or clearing. At least SII has given me student loan guaranty as a holiday season surprise and they do require clean credit history (clean-ish, they may discard your bad credit if you have only few soon-to-be-cleared markings). As much as I hate having to take a loan to support us it frees me to have outside income.

Life is kind of odd. But odd is not bad, as long as it would remain calm from now on.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Who would have thought? After 12,5 years I chose to export my blog to Blogger.  And even changed my handle!

The time seemed right and I wanted better functionality with no cost (I know, I am cheap) even though I am not sure does anyone blog anymore. :P

So, dysfunctional links and images that are nowhere to be seen, but I feel good now.

For new beginnings!

If life was less complicated it would be easier

One word: f*ck.

Or rather "I hate when this happens."

So, I met someone who had my brain and who clicked from the very beginning. Until all went to dogs. This actually reminds me of issue with Wolfie, only this time I am the Bad Wolf.
But in all honesty I want to feel meaningful, I want to hear daily from the person I am dating. It doesn't have to be much, but those little things matter. Those little things he has started to fail to do.

I can understand not writing any emails because X and Y, but for Pete's sake if your smart phone is almost your third arm you could send few messages here and there to keep your girlfriend happy, right?

At the moment I am doing a "cold shoulder" test. I want to know how long it takes before he realises that I was serious with what I have said. Or how long it takes before I just call it quits... As I want to be happy and you are not supposed to feel miserable after three months of knowing someone.

28 days later

He passed away after a short period in hospital in late August, less than two months before his 70th birthday. You could say he was your average Joe when it came to this cancer: average patient diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 70 year old male and they live 6 months on average.

He didn't get much more than that. And even it has come obvious that he knew he was going to die rather sooner than later his subconcious mind denied it. I am quite sure that I am not lying when I say that severity of his illness was not clear to any of us, not even his partner.
I got to read his death certificate: he had several metastasis all around his body and this he knew over a month before he passed. Knowing this confirmed my earlier suspicions about his condition based on his behaviour. (Yeah, it's hard to be always right. Or something. *grin*) Human beings are odd things, but still, I know and you know why he did it.

Tiny took it better than I had expected, regardless he does miss his grandpa a lot. But the process seems to help him. One day he told me that it was nice to see grandpa's white box, in other words going to his memorial service. There's still urn burial (my father's ash will be buried in his parents' grave (which is a positive thing as said cemetery is reasonably close)), I hope it goes as well as memorial service did...

The relativity of time has struck me, it seems like forever, but it has been only four weeks.

Well, four weeks and a aday.

Things that happened before it seem like aeons ago and things that happened after it... well, have just kind of passed.

It's like learning to walk again

When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.

I am in the brink of a cultural shock.

Dear diary...

Isn't it always how it always goes? That after you complain about something things change?

I was called girlfriend today. By someone who has my brain.

Life is getting interesting all of a sudden. I hope it keeps this way.

On singledom

I have been single almost four years now and either I have become even more cynical than I used to be or people have got way weirder since I was single last time. Or maybe it's me (getting way weirder than I used to be).

Or that little funny fact that nowadays I demand more. Much more. I don't ask for looks, (look where it got me last time *grin*,) but I'm just looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. You know, those people are insanely hard to come by. At least for an introverted single parent.

Some people could say that it's more difficult to date with a child. I don't agree. First of all at this age quite many people have kids so they should understand how the whole thing goes with kids, and then I don't think it would be too much to ask for an adult to understand the basics of how little people affect to one's life - and accept the fact that people in certain age range quite often have kids. I know I did, not 100 %, but I did - and I have never been much of a child type anyway (aside wanting my own).
And for some weird reason when Tiny was just a baby it was easier to get on the date level. Maybe it was "separated" status that was much more attractive than "divorced" - as of course life is easier with someone who is in middle of a divorce, yup. *grin*

What makes me wonder is that those people who should be adult by any standard act like teens or little kids. Those people who can't simply live with word "no" or can't wait for your reply for one day without having some kind of hissy fit. It's hilarious, but also very worrying.

Sometimes it's good to be a misanthrope.

Still, it would be nice to have someone to share one's life with. Someone who'd also give Tiny that father figure he never has had.

6 x 9 = 42

Life's dragging along. I am eagerly waiting for that day when it becomes normal again, without constant obstacles thrown on our way.

Tiny's tummy ache was diagnosed as food allergy (as I suspected) after few dozens of blood tests to opt out all kinds of nice things like colitis, celiac disease, amebas and other funny parasites. He is now off dairy, eggs and fish and has become more like his old self.
It turns out he may have been allergic last two years, if not his whole life... he just hasn't been able to communicate it and haven't realised that it is not normal to have nausea and tummy ache until now.
This and my father's cancer cause enough stress to make my system more unstable and it seems that my allergies (and my thyroid) may be worsening again. Yay. It would make life really interesting, though luckily Tiny is at day care so he gets diverse diet even if ours were more restricted.

But on the bright side, it's Mother's Day and we have cake!

So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.

I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.

We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.

Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.

Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*

So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...

Lazy or just lacking that extra 24 hours?

I know I am biased in this matter, but I still can't understand why it seems to be so incredibly difficult for people to understand what it means when someone is, as I call it, solo parent. (I don't know if there is a real English word for someone who is 100% single parent. In Finnish we are called "totally single parents" (totaaliyksinhuoltaja or totaaliyhäri) so I use "solo parent" as I think it should be figurative enough.)
Admittedly even people with shared custody call themselves single parents (well, in English it's more accurate, but in Finnish "yksinhuoltaja" (single parent) basically refers to someone who has sole custody and sole responsibility - or it should). What is even worse I have met people who call themselves "single parent" (remember that I use the word just because it translates like that) even they are only "weekend parent" with shared custody.

That confusion with terms apparently makes it really impossible for some, many, people to understand, or even try to understand, how life is when you are the only parent, or both parents in one.
Admittedly it's not that much different when it comes to basics, but the major, major difference lays in time: totaaliyhäri has only 24 hours a day to take care of things that are usually taken care of by two people who have 24 hours a day. And we do not have free weekends, ever, like most shared custody parents - or even single parents if meetings work.
What bugs me in this is that people seem to consider me lazy because I simply do not have time or energy for everything - even I have on average 8 hours of "free time" (which translates to Tiny's daycare day being 8 hours/ day on average) every weekday! I wonder has it ever passed their mind that being two people 24/7 is rather exhausting in the long run... so, when Tiny goes to daycare I walk home, eat breakfast, drink coffee (this takes about 2-3 hours depending do I go to grocery store when I walk home). Wash laundry. Study. Hang laundry. Eat. Study. And all the sudden it's afternoon and I need to go and pick up Tiny. So, in real world I have 4-5 hours tops to actually study.

I'm such a lazy ass b**tard. ^^

On crossing body parts

Well, we got the place and have moved in almost three weeks ago.

The Silence!

At least compared to previous apartment. There are some "structural noises", but at least now we can't hear talking (or yelling) and occasional walking sounds are tolerable.

The Space!

96 square meters (~1033ft²). 22 more than in our old place, same amount of rooms (HUGE kitchen). 1950s apartment block with a fireplace and nice balcony. Next to the woods.
And I don't know what to do with all the space!
Actually I have a problem with my craft stuff, but I think eventually I will figure something out.

Of course it's bit more expensive to live here, but oh my, I this place.

Long time, no see

Life has gotten on the way. Getting used to studying is harder than I thought and less surprisingly I have also been sick quite a lot (Tiny's in daycare so he brings all kinds of fun things home - luckily he hasn't been sick that much) so I have huge timing issues at the moment.

And our downstairs neighbours have become huge PITAs. Which is not good in any level.
Six months after we moved here I have reached high enough level of insanity and we are looking for a new place to live.

Tiny is afraid of the noise and has also woken up to it - luckily not as often as I have.
First I tried to be nice and notified them that they are making too much noise. Few times of that and they refused to open the door. I contacted our landlord, twice, with disturbance reports and they contacted our neighbours to no avail. And when Tiny said that he is scared of the monster (once again downstairs was having a ball) I got fed up: since then it has been security and written complaints.
But as the sound only comes to our apartment they won't be evicted... or let's say it's not that likely.

Fun times. Now I am just hoping and praying that we would get a new place quickly.
We went to see one apartment (technically two) yesterday, let's see what they say as I know we weren't the only ones who were interested. (Though they basically have two similar apartments free, so.... let's cross all possible body parts, shall we?)

Crazy January Challenge 2015 - and a Happy Dance!

I have learned something about CJC: better to have smaller designs on your list *grin*, therefore next year's list is mix of WIPs(/ UFOs) and new projects.

1. WIP: Neil Degrasse Tyson (worked from pixel art I found from his FB fan group).
2. WIP: Mirabilia's "Madonna of the Garden".
3. WIP: Brightneedle's "Ezmeralda's House".
4. WIP: PINN's "Loy Krathong".
5. WIP: Brown House Studio's "Internet in Heaven".
6. WIP: Blue Ribbon Designs' "With All Your Heart".
7. WIP: The Prairie Schooler's "Must Be Santa".
8. WIP: San- Man Originals' "Snow Ice Cream".
9. WIP: Vervaco's "Lightning McQueen".
10. WIP: My Big Toe Designs' "For This Child".
11. WIP: My Big Toe Designs' "This Too Shall Pass".
12. NEW: Anchor Maia "Usiku", using 28 count navy linen.
13. NEW: Plum Street Sampler's "Coffin Buzz".
14. NEW: La Comtesse "Dreaming is Free".
15. NEW: Ink Circles' "Holiday Magick".

 

And There I Was, Dancing...

• Design: Holiday Magick
• Designer: Tracy Horner of Ink Circles.
• Fabric: random 28 count "raw" linen
• Floss: "School House Red" from GAST.
• Other notions: Stitched over one.

Beautiful, furry stand is our Vilma. (She looks eerily like Seiichi, I know.)

It's a GOOOOOOOOAAAAL!

Well, let's say it is not as I did not reach any of the goals I set for this year, BUT I did have two finishes and I have stitched a bit on most months. (And as a special bonus we did move and I did apply to Uni. That took 2½ months out of my time.)
Could have been better, could have been worse.

So, goals for 2015... I think I will settle with one:

stitch.

Sounds doable.

When it comes to projects I try to work on my WIPs/ UFOs, but if I feel like it I am allowed to start new ones. You know, just for mojo lifting purposes. *grin*

Let's list Projects That Scream i.e. 2- Do:

• "Mother Maya" by Ink Circles.
• "Usiku" by Anchor (Maia Collection)
• "Buon Natale" by La Comtesse.
• "I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas" by La Comtesse.
• "Dreaming Is Free" by La Comtesse.
• "Le Paon" by Corinne (her site seems to be offline nowadays).
• "Cerfs Oval" by Corinne.
• "Paon Majestueux" by Corinne.
• "Queen For Today" by Tempting Tangles.
• "Halloween Quaker" by San-Man Creations.
• "Quaker 31" by San-Man Creations.
• "Russian Alphabet" by Aliolka (one of these - or all).
• "Tiger Stocking" by Aliolka.
• "Africa" by Aliolka.

I probably should add this list to my sidebar for easy reference....

And oh, I should photoshoot my WIP pile(s) before January, which also means counting them! Eeeek!

Those Little Things

... that make you grateful: wrapping your child's presents in the middle of the night.

Those little things that were once so unlikely.

It is a.... Happy Dance!

OhMiGerd, my second (2nd) finish for this year! I am on the roll!

• Design: Christmas Wishlist
• Designer: La Comtesse
• Fabric: 32 count "Tobacco" Belfast linen
• Floss: "Bush Christmas" from Dinky Dyes
• Other notions: complimentary design. Stitched over one.

I am rather pleased with my somewhat forced choice of colours.
And, despite the lack of absolute symmetry in alphabets (which seemed to be the most difficult thing for me in this), there are few other La Comtesse's designs on my 2-do list.

December Blogging Challenge: part 1

I decided to take part to a blogging challenge given at local cross stitching Facebook group, albeit I stretch the challenge a bit.
Instead of blogging every day and sharing season themed stitchings I try to blog regularly during December - if nothing else my progress of two stitches on the project that is screaming the loudest. *grin*

I have to confess that I started a new project couple of days ago as we are having a mini SAL at previously mentioned cross stitch group.
Mini as the project is not that big or time consuming: Christmas Wishlist by La Comtesse.

I chose a bit less seasonal colours: 32 count "Tobacco" Belfast linen (as it was at hand) and Dinky Dyes' "Bush Christmas" silk.

Let's see if I can get enough done today to show off... as I am not good at stitching when I am overly stressed.
I am worrying about my letter of reference as it has been mailed to me on Friday (or Monday, if they have been slow) and I should provide that and my diploma to application services by the end of 9th of December... I know, I still have almost a week left, but if it has been lost in the mail for some reason I need to call my boss by Thursday to get the new one sent to me asap (and preferably get them scan it and email it to me first).

AAAARGH!

Ms. BBA, Student

I am still waiting for the letter of acceptance, but the national online service has told me that I was accepted!!!

Tick tock

That's the sound of my biological clock and I am beginning to be more and more fond of the idea of having another child on my own... I just have noticed that, when thinking about the options (gay man/ couple versus "anonymous donor"), my cynicism - or maybe it's my OCD - is sky high: I would actually rather use "anonymous donor" as it would be more straight forward. I could make all the decisions, there would be no nasty surprises from the father front (as I have noticed that some people turn out idiots after their child is born *ahem*) - even though there is always that possibility.

I know I would be judged, frowned upon even, but it would be my decision. I can not say it would be a reasonable decision, but having children never is.

Life with a small baby and an active toddler sounds scary, but also something I could survive and something I want. We would fit into this apartment. I still have most of Tiny's clothes left despite my best attempts to sell them.
Hell, I still have Tiny's combo stroller/ high chair/ you name it! And a pushchair and another stroller...
And we would survive nicely financially even if I studied. Admittedly I would have to return back to my studies quite soon, but other babies have survived day care and grew up to be proper people.

It would be full of challenges, but other people have lived with alone with children with much smaller age difference and managed just fine.

And I could always say to "official people" that the pregnancy was a lucky accident.

Given that I can actually get pregnant. Statistically Tiny could have been the exception that makes the rule.

I have to confess that since the divorce went trough I have taken quite relaxed attitude towards keeping contact, i.e. sending pictures, with Mr. Biofather.
Actually I think I haven't sent any pictures since Tiny turned two.

I see no reason to do that because he seems rather disinterested. Or should I be honest and say he doesn't give a damn?

And you get what you give.