On singledom

I have been single almost four years now and either I have become even more cynical than I used to be or people have got way weirder since I was single last time. Or maybe it's me (getting way weirder than I used to be).

Or that little funny fact that nowadays I demand more. Much more. I don't ask for looks, (look where it got me last time *grin*,) but I'm just looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. You know, those people are insanely hard to come by. At least for an introverted single parent.

Some people could say that it's more difficult to date with a child. I don't agree. First of all at this age quite many people have kids so they should understand how the whole thing goes with kids, and then I don't think it would be too much to ask for an adult to understand the basics of how little people affect to one's life - and accept the fact that people in certain age range quite often have kids. I know I did, not 100 %, but I did - and I have never been much of a child type anyway (aside wanting my own).
And for some weird reason when Tiny was just a baby it was easier to get on the date level. Maybe it was "separated" status that was much more attractive than "divorced" - as of course life is easier with someone who is in middle of a divorce, yup. *grin*

What makes me wonder is that those people who should be adult by any standard act like teens or little kids. Those people who can't simply live with word "no" or can't wait for your reply for one day without having some kind of hissy fit. It's hilarious, but also very worrying.

Sometimes it's good to be a misanthrope.

Still, it would be nice to have someone to share one's life with. Someone who'd also give Tiny that father figure he never has had.

6 x 9 = 42

Life's dragging along. I am eagerly waiting for that day when it becomes normal again, without constant obstacles thrown on our way.

Tiny's tummy ache was diagnosed as food allergy (as I suspected) after few dozens of blood tests to opt out all kinds of nice things like colitis, celiac disease, amebas and other funny parasites. He is now off dairy, eggs and fish and has become more like his old self.
It turns out he may have been allergic last two years, if not his whole life... he just hasn't been able to communicate it and haven't realised that it is not normal to have nausea and tummy ache until now.
This and my father's cancer cause enough stress to make my system more unstable and it seems that my allergies (and my thyroid) may be worsening again. Yay. It would make life really interesting, though luckily Tiny is at day care so he gets diverse diet even if ours were more restricted.

But on the bright side, it's Mother's Day and we have cake!

So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.

I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.

We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.

Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.

Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*

So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...

Lazy or just lacking that extra 24 hours?

I know I am biased in this matter, but I still can't understand why it seems to be so incredibly difficult for people to understand what it means when someone is, as I call it, solo parent. (I don't know if there is a real English word for someone who is 100% single parent. In Finnish we are called "totally single parents" (totaaliyksinhuoltaja or totaaliyhäri) so I use "solo parent" as I think it should be figurative enough.)
Admittedly even people with shared custody call themselves single parents (well, in English it's more accurate, but in Finnish "yksinhuoltaja" (single parent) basically refers to someone who has sole custody and sole responsibility - or it should). What is even worse I have met people who call themselves "single parent" (remember that I use the word just because it translates like that) even they are only "weekend parent" with shared custody.

That confusion with terms apparently makes it really impossible for some, many, people to understand, or even try to understand, how life is when you are the only parent, or both parents in one.
Admittedly it's not that much different when it comes to basics, but the major, major difference lays in time: totaaliyhäri has only 24 hours a day to take care of things that are usually taken care of by two people who have 24 hours a day. And we do not have free weekends, ever, like most shared custody parents - or even single parents if meetings work.
What bugs me in this is that people seem to consider me lazy because I simply do not have time or energy for everything - even I have on average 8 hours of "free time" (which translates to Tiny's daycare day being 8 hours/ day on average) every weekday! I wonder has it ever passed their mind that being two people 24/7 is rather exhausting in the long run... so, when Tiny goes to daycare I walk home, eat breakfast, drink coffee (this takes about 2-3 hours depending do I go to grocery store when I walk home). Wash laundry. Study. Hang laundry. Eat. Study. And all the sudden it's afternoon and I need to go and pick up Tiny. So, in real world I have 4-5 hours tops to actually study.

I'm such a lazy ass b**tard. ^^

On crossing body parts

Well, we got the place and have moved in almost three weeks ago.

The Silence!

At least compared to previous apartment. There are some "structural noises", but at least now we can't hear talking (or yelling) and occasional walking sounds are tolerable.

The Space!

96 square meters (~1033ft²). 22 more than in our old place, same amount of rooms (HUGE kitchen). 1950s apartment block with a fireplace and nice balcony. Next to the woods.
And I don't know what to do with all the space!
Actually I have a problem with my craft stuff, but I think eventually I will figure something out.

Of course it's bit more expensive to live here, but oh my, I this place.

Long time, no see

Life has gotten on the way. Getting used to studying is harder than I thought and less surprisingly I have also been sick quite a lot (Tiny's in daycare so he brings all kinds of fun things home - luckily he hasn't been sick that much) so I have huge timing issues at the moment.

And our downstairs neighbours have become huge PITAs. Which is not good in any level.
Six months after we moved here I have reached high enough level of insanity and we are looking for a new place to live.

Tiny is afraid of the noise and has also woken up to it - luckily not as often as I have.
First I tried to be nice and notified them that they are making too much noise. Few times of that and they refused to open the door. I contacted our landlord, twice, with disturbance reports and they contacted our neighbours to no avail. And when Tiny said that he is scared of the monster (once again downstairs was having a ball) I got fed up: since then it has been security and written complaints.
But as the sound only comes to our apartment they won't be evicted... or let's say it's not that likely.

Fun times. Now I am just hoping and praying that we would get a new place quickly.
We went to see one apartment (technically two) yesterday, let's see what they say as I know we weren't the only ones who were interested. (Though they basically have two similar apartments free, so.... let's cross all possible body parts, shall we?)

Crazy January Challenge 2015 - and a Happy Dance!

I have learned something about CJC: better to have smaller designs on your list *grin*, therefore next year's list is mix of WIPs(/ UFOs) and new projects.

1. WIP: Neil Degrasse Tyson (worked from pixel art I found from his FB fan group).
2. WIP: Mirabilia's "Madonna of the Garden".
3. WIP: Brightneedle's "Ezmeralda's House".
4. WIP: PINN's "Loy Krathong".
5. WIP: Brown House Studio's "Internet in Heaven".
6. WIP: Blue Ribbon Designs' "With All Your Heart".
7. WIP: The Prairie Schooler's "Must Be Santa".
8. WIP: San- Man Originals' "Snow Ice Cream".
9. WIP: Vervaco's "Lightning McQueen".
10. WIP: My Big Toe Designs' "For This Child".
11. WIP: My Big Toe Designs' "This Too Shall Pass".
12. NEW: Anchor Maia "Usiku", using 28 count navy linen.
13. NEW: Plum Street Sampler's "Coffin Buzz".
14. NEW: La Comtesse "Dreaming is Free".
15. NEW: Ink Circles' "Holiday Magick".

 

And There I Was, Dancing...

• Design: Holiday Magick
• Designer: Tracy Horner of Ink Circles.
• Fabric: random 28 count "raw" linen
• Floss: "School House Red" from GAST.
• Other notions: Stitched over one.

Beautiful, furry stand is our Vilma. (She looks eerily like Seiichi, I know.)

It's a GOOOOOOOOAAAAL!

Well, let's say it is not as I did not reach any of the goals I set for this year, BUT I did have two finishes and I have stitched a bit on most months. (And as a special bonus we did move and I did apply to Uni. That took 2½ months out of my time.)
Could have been better, could have been worse.

So, goals for 2015... I think I will settle with one:

stitch.

Sounds doable.

When it comes to projects I try to work on my WIPs/ UFOs, but if I feel like it I am allowed to start new ones. You know, just for mojo lifting purposes. *grin*

Let's list Projects That Scream i.e. 2- Do:

• "Mother Maya" by Ink Circles.
• "Usiku" by Anchor (Maia Collection)
• "Buon Natale" by La Comtesse.
• "I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas" by La Comtesse.
• "Dreaming Is Free" by La Comtesse.
• "Le Paon" by Corinne (her site seems to be offline nowadays).
• "Cerfs Oval" by Corinne.
• "Paon Majestueux" by Corinne.
• "Queen For Today" by Tempting Tangles.
• "Halloween Quaker" by San-Man Creations.
• "Quaker 31" by San-Man Creations.
• "Russian Alphabet" by Aliolka (one of these - or all).
• "Tiger Stocking" by Aliolka.
• "Africa" by Aliolka.

I probably should add this list to my sidebar for easy reference....

And oh, I should photoshoot my WIP pile(s) before January, which also means counting them! Eeeek!

Those Little Things

... that make you grateful: wrapping your child's presents in the middle of the night.

Those little things that were once so unlikely.

It is a.... Happy Dance!

OhMiGerd, my second (2nd) finish for this year! I am on the roll!

• Design: Christmas Wishlist
• Designer: La Comtesse
• Fabric: 32 count "Tobacco" Belfast linen
• Floss: "Bush Christmas" from Dinky Dyes
• Other notions: complimentary design. Stitched over one.

I am rather pleased with my somewhat forced choice of colours.
And, despite the lack of absolute symmetry in alphabets (which seemed to be the most difficult thing for me in this), there are few other La Comtesse's designs on my 2-do list.

December Blogging Challenge: part 1

I decided to take part to a blogging challenge given at local cross stitching Facebook group, albeit I stretch the challenge a bit.
Instead of blogging every day and sharing season themed stitchings I try to blog regularly during December - if nothing else my progress of two stitches on the project that is screaming the loudest. *grin*

I have to confess that I started a new project couple of days ago as we are having a mini SAL at previously mentioned cross stitch group.
Mini as the project is not that big or time consuming: Christmas Wishlist by La Comtesse.

I chose a bit less seasonal colours: 32 count "Tobacco" Belfast linen (as it was at hand) and Dinky Dyes' "Bush Christmas" silk.

Let's see if I can get enough done today to show off... as I am not good at stitching when I am overly stressed.
I am worrying about my letter of reference as it has been mailed to me on Friday (or Monday, if they have been slow) and I should provide that and my diploma to application services by the end of 9th of December... I know, I still have almost a week left, but if it has been lost in the mail for some reason I need to call my boss by Thursday to get the new one sent to me asap (and preferably get them scan it and email it to me first).

AAAARGH!

Ms. BBA, Student

I am still waiting for the letter of acceptance, but the national online service has told me that I was accepted!!!

Tick tock

That's the sound of my biological clock and I am beginning to be more and more fond of the idea of having another child on my own... I just have noticed that, when thinking about the options (gay man/ couple versus "anonymous donor"), my cynicism - or maybe it's my OCD - is sky high: I would actually rather use "anonymous donor" as it would be more straight forward. I could make all the decisions, there would be no nasty surprises from the father front (as I have noticed that some people turn out idiots after their child is born *ahem*) - even though there is always that possibility.

I know I would be judged, frowned upon even, but it would be my decision. I can not say it would be a reasonable decision, but having children never is.

Life with a small baby and an active toddler sounds scary, but also something I could survive and something I want. We would fit into this apartment. I still have most of Tiny's clothes left despite my best attempts to sell them.
Hell, I still have Tiny's combo stroller/ high chair/ you name it! And a pushchair and another stroller...
And we would survive nicely financially even if I studied. Admittedly I would have to return back to my studies quite soon, but other babies have survived day care and grew up to be proper people.

It would be full of challenges, but other people have lived with alone with children with much smaller age difference and managed just fine.

And I could always say to "official people" that the pregnancy was a lucky accident.

Given that I can actually get pregnant. Statistically Tiny could have been the exception that makes the rule.

I have to confess that since the divorce went trough I have taken quite relaxed attitude towards keeping contact, i.e. sending pictures, with Mr. Biofather.
Actually I think I haven't sent any pictures since Tiny turned two.

I see no reason to do that because he seems rather disinterested. Or should I be honest and say he doesn't give a damn?

And you get what you give.

Abandonment

I don't think that it would matter much to me that my brother acts like three- year old if there wasn't someone else involved: Tiny.
Because by doing his thing my brother is the second man in Tiny's life who has left him before he turned two.

It hurts me when Tiny mentions "Unke Pampa" because I know that he remembers his uncle, even I wished he didn't - but I have learned that little children have terrifyingly good memory.... at least Tiny does.
And it makes me wish that I could hit that guy, hard. Because he is so fu*king blind or stupid or bitter that he fails to see what he is because he is what he is. Because he hurts my son.

Brotherly Things

As time passes one learns things and it seems that the fallout of my brother and I is a sum of multiple things, all as... stupid.

First is that my father promised to buy, Tiny and me, a flat from our future hometown which he would rent to us, and of course he had mentioned it to my brother. He just failed to mention that he backed off from his promise less than two months later.
Luckily I know my father so I was not surprised at the least. What surprises me is that my brother does not realise that. Despite being told the truth.
And anyway, had our father bought the flat it had not been under my name so it had been his and his only.

Secondly he considers that his kids were and have been treated worse than Tiny. At least by our mother.
Something one could understand if his family had not kept distance to the rest of the family since the beginning.
My mother did knit and buy tons of clothes for his kids, gave them gifts etc., but after it turned out that they were not appreciated at all and my mother stopped.
She has various things she has bought wishing that my brother's kids would visit her and could use, things that now have been given to us as we actually have use for them and we do use them.
He also seems to fail to understand that his situation was and is completely different even if we look at the basic level of me being a single parent with no support from Tiny's biofather.

It makes me wonder is he really that dim? Or has it been intentional? (Let's not get into how childish it would be to cut your sister from your life just because you think that you have been mistreated by your parent(s..).

Still, it's just so weird.

Little Grey Cells Are Moving Too

It's funny how your mind processes things. Little by little, and then continues chewing the same thing later until it's small enough to digest without problems.

While packing I have had few moments of "What the heck was I thinking?!" regarding past with mr. W., but it has also proved that I have come far in last two years.
Now I just find things tragicomic rather than sad or depressing. Even the fact that mr. W. was and is full of c*ap.

But still, out of all that was bad came out the best thing in my life: Tiny.

Maybe it's karmic in its way that out of huge pile of smelly stuff comes out so much joy.
And truth to be told I am convinced that mr. W. gets his share of Big Bad Karma sooner or later. If he hasn't already been hit with it. (If I have understood correctly it may be the case, may have been even before I kicked him out. (See, he was big fan of telling things to me... not. I just tend to read between the lines.))

It has been 25 months and in 18 days we leave this halfway home (I have considered this flat a halfway home for a long time, we needed to move here to give me distance and time to figure out who I am and what I want). It's scary, but changes always are.
If things go as planned 2015 will be so very different. In a good way.

Unexpected moves

It turns out that we don't need to live without certain stuff for two months as we were offered a place in late August... starting from October 1st.
I have accepted it (after having it inspected by my mom) and next week we'll be traveling to sign the lease (thank G-d for "Local Greyhound" selling 5 euro tickets to their less popular buses). And before it there's still heaps of stuff to do regarding the move, in addition of some packing, packing and more packing.
I am thanking myself for packing most books, DVDs, CDs and craft stash before summer. Less to pack is always less when you got have everything settled before the move. And this time it's mandatory as I am using a company to do it, for the first time ever, as I rather have someone else carry all those heavy things like my 100 kilo bookshelves and so on.

And before you ask: 74 square meters, 2 bedrooms, 2nd floor. It's an old apartment (well, 32 years old), but looks very well maintained.

We'll be moving on second of October, which is in its way a good thing as the material for admission exam is published on 1st (I applied to study BBA) and I can use my free time to study. General unpacking can be done when Tiny's awake - and after the exam.

Truth to be told

... one of the reasons mentioned in my earlier entry has to do mr. X. and his belongings.

When I told him to leave I also told him to take ALL his belongings with him when he goes.
When we came home with Tiny there was still huge amount of his stuff with a note, after badmouthing me, that he'd arrange pick-up for his things by early 2013. (What I have wondered is that why he couldn't leave his things with a friend who lives in Finland as he let me understand on several occasions that he has a ton of friends in here... )
When we moved his stuff followed and I sent an allusive email. And as you guess didn't get a reply.

And then, in 2014, before the divorce went through I asked my lawyer what to do with them she replied that if I send him a final notice with a date and he fails to comply it's up to me what to do with them... Well, I sent mr. X an email and gave him approximately three weeks to arrange the pick-up.

Less surprisingly he did not reply, but during those three weeks I waited I was under quite a lot of stress because I did not want to deal with him and all his negativity.
I had made it easier for myself by timing it so that Tiny and I were here at my mom's during that three week period and had mr. X. picked up his stuff he had met my mother, no one else.

You see, court did not decide on meetings as my lawyer did not add them in the demands when she wrote the divorce application. There was a fine reason: he can't take me to court for breach of contract if he doesn't get to meet Tiny. There is no contract so if we can not agree about meetings, there won't be any.
Not that he has ever inclined that he would want to meet his son... and if he did I would demand supervised meetings (based on kidnapping risk, lack of shared language and lack of any kind of relationship between Tiny and mr. X.) and that is completely another animal as there is bureaucracy and translator expenses, for him, before those can be started.

Anyway, my point in that is that I was afraid that he demands to meet Tiny. And as I wouldn't have agreed (as we are not at home - and because what I told in previous chapter) there would have been all kinds of lovely words.... and I am sick and tired to that kind of stuff, from anyone.

So... now I have three suitcases, one bag and two big trash bags of stuff to get rid of...
I'll give his printer to a friend whose family lives on tight budget and most of the rest will be sold to anyone who is willing to pay anything.

And continue waiting for that email when he claims that I am whatever-I-happen-to-be-at-that-moment-of-anger. And hope that he keeps his mouth shut as I did tell him that I have checked proper action regarding his things with my lawyer....

I have been absent again as I sought solitude, I needed to calm down.

I don't know where it started exactly, but I guess part of it was the relief of getting things settled regarding Tiny's custody and the divorce - and frustration for the bureaucracy after I tried to apply for child support from the government (as mr. X haven't and won't pay it). And other things.
I was in the verge of imploding for weeks, but after almost a month at the country I start to feel like myself again. And it also makes me more confident about my decision to move here, as soon as we get a place to call home.
It's quiet here, soothing. The sky is wide, highest building in the vicinity has only six stories.
It's beautiful and cozy in here, regardless of being "in the middle of nowhere" (there's ok public transport and health services seem to be good too, at least for children*).

I haven't even had the energy to think of stitching, let alone actually make stitches.
Admittedly I have had energy to have irresponsible S.E.X. to celebrate and to get my mojo back. And it has helped. Shopping. Now I at least think of stitching.

I have found Casa Cenina again after I realized that they ship with DHL when your order is over 35 euros. In layman's terms: they deliver it to your hand and usually within 24 hours after it has been shipped.
/me likey and this probably keeps me away from Sewandso from now on. (Which basically means I will be much better, right? Having one less ONS to spend my money at? )

But even I think of stitching it seems that my free time will be spent listing stuff on local auction site and it should all be listed (and preferably sold) before the material for the admission exam is published, around the end of September.
That is also the deadline for packing all the things we can live without for two months (I write like we had a place to live here already )... I think I am going to be busy for a while.

*Tiny got a 2nd degree burn on the back of his hand ~week ago and we have visited local health center twice because of it. Third time is on Monday.