Complaining, nagging, being bitchy etc.

Friggin' great. My browser crashed just before I got my entry posted... What we learnt from this boys and girls?
Always copy your entries in regular intervals to your browser's notes... Anyway, I was writing about...

My SIL, part II

It really annoys me when certain people seem to be uncapable to understand value of works of other's hands.

Long story but I try to make it short:

I cross stitched Daisy Fairy as a christening gift to their youngest child couple of years ago. Difficult piece for a beginner - which I was back then - lots of colours, colour changes, bunch of similar shades, fractionals... you name it. Anyway... I mailed to my SIL 12 days ago and asked if she could take a pic of it and email it to me.
First of all she never answered to that mail, even she spends quite much time with computer daily. Then I IMed to her and asked did she received my mail. Yes, she said that she needs to buy new batteries to their digital camera and then she'll take that pic. OK, it was ok to me. I thought that no matter what I'll get that pic in few days...

Today I IMed her again because for certain reasons I do know that there's batteries in that camera...

"It's in there, in renovation stuff pile... I'm not going to dig it from there..."

"Excuse me?! In renovation stuff pile?!"

"You know what I mean..."



Few things to mention about that:

1. She seems to be uncapable to understand even her mother tongue, which is quite alarming if you ask me.

2. Even I may sound bit übermensch I can say that I do know how this language works and how words should be interpreted in normal conversation.

3. I'm wondering how the hell she's survived last 30 years when she doesn't even seem to speak Finnish?

4. And, if she knows me as well as she claims, she should know that I never assume so I don't assume that she ment something else with her words than what she said.

5. They've been renovating last six weeks, she should have known that she wont get that pic even she got those batteries... In the other words she shouldn't have promised anything.

I'm having this bad feeling that something has happened to that little fairy. Ok, it's just piece of fabric and few metres of mouline but as I've made it I assume that people could even appreciate that hard work I've put to it. To be honest, I don't wait to get that picture - if I get it, I'll be amazed.

Maybe I'm paranoid or otherwise crazy. Who knows.

...and now for...

...something completely different? No, unfortunately no. More complaints about my SIL.

She has stucked into good old nineties. At least she seems to be blind to facts.

"What has happened to you? We used to be so good pals..."

First of all, what has happened to me?! Conclusion: she has not changed in ten years. What it tells about her?
So apparently it's odd that someone can change more or less drastically in ten years. Maybe I'm "bit" different now when I'm almost 26, and been trough things she could never understand, than I was in the mature age of sixteen. Those good old days when "we were so good friends".

To be honest I was unsecure little teenager who searched herself, of course I've changed as I've become "adult". That 16 year old hasn't never dated anyone and this person I am now has dated too much and divorced too many times (Once is too many times...).
That sixteen year old also thought that she's invincible, 26 year old knows that she's not.

During that ten years I've found my first BF, had sex for the first time, lost him, messed around with males, loved, had unattached sex, disappointed, realized that I'm more or less infertile, met a boy, got engaged and married, heard words which crushed my world, cheated because of revenge, tried so much, wanted to have a family, more or less left my husband, fell in love with someone else, dated, loved two men at the same time, broke up, got that one I really love, divorced... and also learnt to respect myself as me. Learnt that I don't need to please others, learnt that those real ones love me even I'm not the easiest person...

And I like this difficult bitch I'm nowadays.


Official off-topic of a day:

I'm a Rose Fairy according to Fairyscope, which is under Fun section in Flower Fairies web site.



Best and dearest flower that grows,
Perfect both to see and smell;
Words can never, never tell
Half a beauty of a Rose-
Buds that open to disclose
Fold on fold of purest white,
Lovely pink, or red that glows
Deep, sweet-scented. What delight
To be Fairy of the Rose.

Twisted thoughts.

OK, I've lost the rest of my little mind... Someone has just got divorce verdict 2½ months ago and now... "...I want to get married..!" Yikes.

Well, as I'm "experienced" in that matter I don't wonder it that much, mostly my problem is pressure from outside world. "That's not normal..." (Oh, really?)
I miss feeling of companionship, "All for one and one for all" attitude. And I'm very pro "To have and to hold... 'til death do us apart".

Maybe I live in some pink and fluffy dream world, maybe I am just plain practical. It depends so much on the view.

In fact this was not the first time, been thinking about that quite some time. First only because marriage is always one reason for an immigrant to reside legally, and because Sonnenschein mentioned it long time ago (If we don't count that fact that he proposed me twice last fall...) as an option... now I have no worries about that, I scared him by freaking out about it - I've never been very good with surprises and big commitments which come out of the blue - and since then he has been quiet about that matter. Which is a pity, really.
Apparently it also has to do with his fear of failing and losing me, his future and everything he dreams of (somewhere deep inside of his (sometimes very) icy shell).

I could jump -once again- to one conclusion:

I'm really getting committed... *

So, the rest of my life to me with one person... I hope. (And now just keep on hoping that no one messes this thing up. I'm so lovable when I'm pessimistic.)

---

* Or maybe I'm just losing my mind/ getting old.

Feeling blue...

I just hope that I could tell to him how much he means to me. But I am only a human, I have no words to express myself.

I miss him every second. Every morning he's first thing in my mind, every night he's last thing I see in my eyelids before I fall asleep.

And I'm afraid because I have tendency to raise people I love on pedestal and adore them no matter what they do or what they don't...

.. I just want to get him here.

Dreams and premonitions

I'm annoyed. I saw a dream about him but I can't remember that dream. And I know it was good dream, that is why I'd like to remember it at least this day. It'd have easen my life.

But what is most important is that I haven't seen any bad dreams about him... because I have premonitions (sounds bit weird but that is how it is).

Before I fell asleep last night I remembered few dreams I've seen about him in past - before we were we. Odd dreams, beautiful dreams. Dreams of hope, dreams of love. And in my dreams I knew how he looks like physically (Of course I knew how his face looks like - cutest smile in Earth, btw) - and what kind of clothes he wears. I didn't knew it back then.
Sounds bit freaky, or crazy. But that is how it is, no matter how crazy it may sound.

Those dreams...

First dream I remember came in quite early stage, last spring. And when I think about it now it sounds so very familiar: We were almost us-> we "lost" eachothers-> we got together anyway. What is odd is that we were just got to know eachothers and we were just friends... (At least so we claimed...)

Then I saw couple of odd dreams in summer. Odd considering that we were still friends... Those dreams happened in chronological order and these things are almost only things I remember from them (How could I forget?): First he said he loves me, then he asked could I get engaged with him, then he proposed me.(Some Finnish thing apparently, in here proposing and getting engaged are different things...)

So, I had interesting dream life in last summer... and then there were those dreams where I just happened to go to Spain for various reasons and we just met there by accident... and everything went well.

Then came early autumn and this day. I saw couple of dreams about him in early September. Freaky one was that when I woke up from a dream where he had his arms around me... and felt his arms around me about a minute. I had to convince myself that he was not there and, of course, that "...he's not interested of you, you stupid girl!" Apparently that is why I was too afraid to ask what he feels for me and ran into a relationship with other man (Still, I never make mistakes. I think I needed that relationship with A.)... and continued having dreams about Sonnenschein.

I just wait that day when I have no need to dream...

Dusk thoughts

Why it can't be always like this?


Dusk time, it has rained hour or so ago and it's so quiet. No sun torturing my little eyes and yelling neighbours have gone to sleep. Air is like bird's milk, soft as baby's skin...

This is why I like summer. This is one reason why I like summer - other one is possibility to walk barefooted.

Oh, happy day

Tonight was "official" Sonnenschein's online night. It's odd how you learn to appreciate those few hours you get after you're used to blabber with him almost every night.

Things changed a bit when he got that job of his, but not that much in the end. To be honest I was bit afraid of what will happen but things are still like they used to be. Almost unbelievable. (Though I have nothing against it. )

14 weeks to go. Fortunately those weeks are summer weeks, it's easier to handle when you're basically in good mood. Excess amount of sunlight is sometimes almost good thing, even it causes migraines.

Cross stitching, forums and women

As someone who has androgyne brains I'm quite surprised that I enjoy "blabbering" with other women (Cross stitching is mostly feminine hobby -for some odd reason) in one cross stitch forum. Of course there are people in there who have no sense of netiquette but you can't get everything...

Usually I dislike large groups of women because I usually don't fit in and for some reason it seems that women have this bad habit of gossiping and stabbing backs of others - usually those who disagree with them. And -of course- I've been that one who has been stabbed. It has been me who's too different to fit in... Why? Because I'm "too masculine" ->I'm honest, my sense of humour is twisted and I dare to love facts and dislike "girly" stuff.

Sex vs. gender

In theory I shouldn't even talk about other women as a female and a woman are different aspects. In general they're synonyms, in general in that world which has only two sexes... I live in that world and rebel against it, as fact is that there are at least three physical sexes - in fact only sky is a limit when you start to categorize.

Then sex and gender... like night and day but unfortunately it's too difficult for most to understand it.

"But you look like a woman!"

...is quite familiar sentence for me... It's friggin' hard to get some people understand that sex is what you're but gender is who you're. And then there's

"So, you hate your body then?"

No, I don't hate my body. I like it very much, thank you for asking.

I understand that it is bit hard to understand why I have no problems with living in a female body when half of my brains/ personality live in completely different sex as they should live in. I've wondered it myself. It may be just getting used to this carnal entity, it may be my sense of aesthetics (Yes, I think that in theory female body is more beautiful - even I am straight (I could talk about sexual orientation and gender but not now... maybe later, if I'm in the mood some day)) or something I can't even think of. I like male body but I wouldn't like to live in one.

Nightmares without sleeping...

This numb pain inside of me...

And when I close my eyes I see myself holding a baby. Almost newborn in white clothes. It's winter's night, curtains are open and I can see sparkling snow. My Sonnenschein is there, close to us, in his black clothes, smiling like sun... and I hold that small human being in my arms...

My body's way to say: *ahem* It's time for you to have a family...
But why in earth my body has to yell it's urge now? Why can't it wait few months..? I really don't need this feeling now...

Worst part in this is that I know that this wont get any easier from this point. I already see that continuous loop of wanting to have a family and knowing facts, which make this urge even worse which causes collisions with facts etc..

Someone out there who wants to buy one excess Stein-Leventhal's?

If you haven't been in this path you can't understand this pain. Losing your child may feel like this, I think. If you have to live with infertility you have to bury your child every friggin' day when times are bad. Otherwise it's "only" ~once a month....

I've always wondered how will I survive if I've a miscarriage some day, as sometimes it feels that I'm in the edge of sanity even now... because of the pain. Mental and physical.

The problem is...

How do I say this to him? (I mean how I tell about my urge, he knows about my syndrome.) How can you say to someone after five months that your body wants to have a family asap? He'll freak out and gets back into his shell... ...and I want to keep my Sonnenschein away from that shell.

And how I can make him understand that in my case even asap can be few years..? Or never.

I know what he'd say to that...

"We can always adopt."

Cute and very true, yes. But at this point in my life I don't even consider that option. My body is a fool and it wants to spread it's genes. I want to feel how it is to be pregnant, I want to hold newborn in my arms and know that all pain I have had has been worth it.

Just blabbering...

When he graduated last fall he sent me a link to a video made of this song:

Send Me An Angel

---
Hear this voice from deep inside
It's the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The passage out of the dark
---
The wise man said just raise your hand
And reach out for the spell
Find the door to the promised land
Just believe in yourself
Hear this voice from deep inside
It's the call of your heart
Close your eyes and your will find
The way out of the dark

Here I am
Will you send me an angel
Here I am
In the land of the morning star
---

It was quite cruel in a way. I was dating (I just had been uncapable to tell it to him for certain reasons... ) and then he sends something like that... He was only two weeks late. And I was too honourable - and too afraid.

Nothing to do with anything though, "just" a memory. Memory which I cherish and which made me cry last night like I cried when I saw that video for the first time...

I still can't fully believe that he loves me. But though... he says he does, I can live with that.

Coming out of closet

Lately I've started to become out of the closet with my blog. I just wonder why. Maybe it's just that 15 minutes in fame.

Thoughts...

...about relationships. Long distance relationships.

~2949 kilometers isn't that much but still enough to be torture. At least for me it's, as not being able to be close the man I love is something dreadful.

I've slept (mostly) alone for almost a year now and I should be used to it. In a way I'm. I can sleep alone, but nights are difficult to me.

First of all I don't want to go to bed because I have to sleep alone. And when I go to bed I stay awake and daydream, sometimes I even talk with him... I know I sound crazy but I miss him. By talking to air it feels that he's closer. (It's the same with emails. I've difficulties to send them when I write them as while writing it feels that he's close to me.)

What I hate most in this situation is that we can't see eachothers expressions nor hear tones from our voices while we're "talking" and it causes problems. Nothing serious though, but sometimes it's quite consuming when you have to think how you can say something without sounding like an idiot or being bitchy. And still it happens.
Yes, I do know that it happens in every relationship time to time. But things are quite much different when you're next to your partner and are able to see one's expressions. There's much more room for misunderstanding when there's thousands of kilometres involved in a relationship.

It may be our luck that we were friends quite some time before we confessed our feelings to each other. We have solid base to build on.

Odd thoughts about...

...kids.

I had odd experience earlier today (Ok, in fact it was yesterday but as I'm still awake...), I had this sudden "I want to have kids" feeling.

Yes, I know that there's nothing odd in that but I've succesfully buried that feeling over a year ago - not because I didn't want to have them back then but I want to raise my kids in a family with two adults.

History/ herstory

In fact I've wanted to have kids since I was 18 and got PCOs diagnose. Without that diagnose it's possible that I wouldn't have even thought about having kids. Before those words from endocrinologist I never understood why people were hypeing about kids all the time. Since then I've knew why.

So?

PCOs or not, it would be great to use some birth control, but nowadays I have this kind of twisted situation:

1. I'm allergic to latex -> I can't use regular condoms.
2. Non-latex condoms are friggin' expensive.(IMO it's not very wise to spend ~100 €/month to condoms...)
3. I can't eat most birth control pills because I can't stand corn in any form.
4. Hormonal birth control in general messes my head big time.

So, it seems that when my beloved little celibacy comes to it's end there's only one long-term solution: Just accept that fact that I may become pregnant - or may not, which is quite probable with this friggin' syndrome.

Anyway, as I see it, this situation is bit odd. And awfully akward, for both of us.

The point in this

I don't know were there any. I was just bit surprised of that feeling. Maybe my mind just fools itself so I wouldn't feel as bitchy I sometimes feel... because in a way I'll force my poor Sonnenschein* to take that risk with me. Risk of my body working for once... and on the other hand it would be almost a miracle...

Life's odd, but I think that is why it's so interesting.

Nightless night

Seems to be curse to me nowadays. It's almost 5 a.m. and I'm not tired. How can you be when there's no night? No darkness, just more or less daylight. Freaky. And my system dislikes it.

Ok, my system likes it in it's freaky way but it's impossible to combine modern society and Finnish summer. This is really one twisted place to live.

Fairies

As we all know my surname is fairy in Turkish (More about "us" in here.) and I had this idea while I was cross stitching... Maybe I should get addicted to fairies as they're me?
To be honest there's one HK design I have to do because it's all about my name: Forest Fairy... (Yes, it's me. It just depends on what languages you misuse...)

This has nothing to do with anything, it just popped to my sick little mind.

* Sonnenschein is a nickname of his which I gave to him last fall, as he was the light of my life even back then. Nowadays he's even more.

...countdown, part II...

Apparently I got addicted to these things:



Yikes, I'm getting old.

And maybe I should go to bed now...

/m3 (4n5

Apparently I shouldn't update my blog in the middle of the night. I just destroyed almost finished entry.

My SIL

Yes, nothing beats the loving care of relatives... At least those relatives who think that because of the good old times we should and we'll always be best buddies.

I can live with that fact that my SIL thinks that she's so friggin' emphatetic but what bothers me is that she is hypocrite.

Why I think so? Well... She has been in my life last >10 years so I could say that I know thing or two about her. And it seems to me that A. was "better" BIL candidate than M. as A. was "exotic". He was something to brag about to her buddies in that peasantville my brother's family lives in:

Oh, have I told that my SIL dates an Indian? Oh yes, isn't it exciting?!...

Apparently loving an European isn't something she could brag with.

How can I say that? Well, in autumn I showed her two pics: A.'s and M.'s and I told about her that I'm interested of both (This happened after met A. for the first time, before we dated officially)... Her comment was:

"Of course you take that Indian guy!

And why she thought so..?

"Because he's so good looking!"

Oh joy...

Maybe I'm, more or less, cold-hearted bastard as I was bit confused how the hell she weren't pro-European, anyway he has better educational background and he's cute though.

Anyway, after 4th of January M. became so very interesting and of course he'd always been my SIL's favourite... and after first month, or so, she haven' asked anything about us.

So, I think I could jump to conclusions:

1. I'm interesting only when I'm more or less single.

2. "Bit exotic" is good enough only when there's nothing "better" ("more exotic").

Ok, for most this wouldn't be that big thing but for me it is. I do know that I sound bit stupid... Anyway, I wait that day when I announce that he's here. Then I'll be very interesting again - and I have, unfortunately, proved my point.

Good night my dear blog. *coughing*

Still alive, which is in fact almost surprising according to what has happened in last two months.


My latex allergy got mad...and now I'm an animal eater, who can't eat anything. I miss good old vegetarian days.


Apparently there has been so many things going on lately and my body thought that I am overly stressed and it launched my hiding allergy. (It's a curse to be sensitive.)


And now I am up only because I was stupid enough to eat some yoghurt with cowberry in it... I don't dare to sleep before I am certain that this coughing wont get any worse.


And love...

Yes. It seems that I'm not very good in staying single or without getting myself involved to someone...


....no matter what happen or where we'll be, be ALWAYS sure about this...Minä rakastan sinua.

And even that was nothing new to me when I got that I am still stunned. In fact I am still stunned because of what he said almost four months before that.

I can't deny that it makes me very happy. Why? Well, love in general is great emotion and being loved is even better but being loved by someone you thought you can never have... (To those who wonder: he was first option, Indian affair was second one. And I just chose according to my knowledge when I started to date mr. I.A.)

I have to say that this story is bit odd but here we are now. Nah, here I'm right now and he's hopefully sleeping right now somewhere over there. Still few months to live before I can say that this is really happening. (We're high-believers, we do believe that this is happening... after few years. )

My former mother-in-law said always that I'm too cynical. She didn't knew anything about being cynical. Now I am one. After few hits to the head and few crushed hearts I wont believe him before I wake up some morning and see him next to me - no matter how serious he is with me. (Sorry dear.) But on the other hand... We're similar in that matter.

Anyway, te amo Sonnenschein.

Long time, no see...

Yes, it's me. Few changes in my life since last entry.

"Indian affair" ended. And I was right why things happened how they happened when we broke up. I met him yesterday first time since we broke up. Now I know most of the facts, but still I don't understand him. Now I just feel pity for him as he loved me, loves me and misses me like hell. It's always touching to have someone crying in your arms like a child... So naked mentally.

It's so hard sometimes to be "always" right, it's hard to understand basic human behaviour and know that someone left you even he wouldn't like to do it. It's hard to see someone bursting into tears because you told that you know why A, B and C happened.

These words from him make me cry, but they make the memory of him beautiful - and painful:
"I love(d) you. I love(d) you so much."
"You were best thing which happened to me in years"
"I still miss every little thing."

It was hard evening but it helped me. I also know that it's not what happened to him. Because now he knows that I don't hate him and that I am not mad at him.

---

And... celebration time! I am free at last! Divorce papers came few days ago. I've been miss Peri since 31. 3. 2005.

Why should I understand?

Mostly it's impossible to understand human beings and their acts and ways of thinking... but on the other hand, is there really any need to try to understand the majority?

Maybe I just should accept the fact that I can never be like them, I can never think like them and because of that fact I can never understand the majority in deeper level.

Being an intelligent woman is a curse, but it is also a bliss on it's own perverted way. Even it's a bit sad to think what are my chances to find friends or lovers who are in my mental level. I do know that this sounds egoistic but it is my truth. I couldn't live with someone who isn't able to use one's brains.

I am very pro-laziness but being mentally sloth is 8th deadly sin.(...even I don't believe in aspect of sin...)

Family related issues

So...

I thought that everything would be OK because my mom didn't get a mental stroke when she realised that her son-in-law candidate isn't "blonde European". Once again I noticed that it isn't wise to assume anything...

Problems came in the form of my father(I thought he'd be open-minded just because he is well-educated... How stupid of me.). I have to say that even I know that he is an a*****e (Sounds quite cruel, I know) he surprised me.

... oh, the amount of stereotypes and ignorance in him (and in his partner but I forgive her as I am not her daughter...). I'm still SO mad I can't even think straight.... Grr.. And for some reason, even I would like to repeat what he said it's difficult... His attitude bothers me... "I have nothing against foreigners but..." That 'but' is quite revealing...

He makes me sad. Because even I really can't say that I care about him he is still my father. Even he is idiot, even he made my (our lives) life miserable in past... No matter what, he's my father. Only genetic connection but... I just have this odd thought that my happiness matters something to my father. Apparently I was wrong.

For some reason every time when I start to believe that there's real alive human being inside of him he does something which destroys my foolish hallusinations...

BTW

It's 20th week now... And still I don't regret it. ;)

AND....


I haven't been this happy since... since... I can't even remember when.



Falling in love is good for me. :)

I should be in bed....

...but I am not so here I am again.

12 weeks since we met.

I know that I am sentimental little fool but every new week is a victory. :) Only sad thing in my life is the fact that we can't meet in couple of weeks as he is going to see his family, but I'll survive.

It's odd, and sad that I really am afraid of love. I'm afraid of loving and being loved. I'm afraid of showing my love, I'm afraid of saying it. Anyway, I have said it and life is better, nothing changed - at least not in a bad way.

Saturday, those few hours in the morning and afternoon before I left, was amazing. At least part of it. I had already forgot how good it feels to lay on the sofa, watch a rather silly Bond movie and feel the warmth of someone dear. Just stay there and notice how good it feels to be with him in there, in that moment - and how good it felt to feel his arms around me...

Do I sound silly? :) Good. I am happy and I like it.

-----------

Then to the misc s**tty things.

My X is coming to visit in Wednesday, and he'll stay few days before he continues his trip.

In theory I have nothing against it, it was my idea allthough to see and so on - as I just like to see him and have a decent gossip marathon.

...but...

Maybe I just have a stage fever or something but I've bad feeling about this visit... don't know why. Maybe it's because I know him. And even I may sound little egoistic I think that he hasn't got over me yet - even he has somekind of gf/ fb (To be honest I have sometimes this feeling that he tries to make me jealous... But I don't get why? I have my own life now and I'm not very interested of that who he shags or loves...).

And then... we agreed that we have to talk about our relationship and what the hell went wrong because some things affect to my current relationship. Nothing in wrong about that but... I know my X. If I say "When [___] I felt bad because blahblahblah.." he says that I just always blame him and in the end it was my fault... (OMG! How did I manage to stay that long with him? :O)

Well, anyway it can be good to even try to talk about past with him - even it can be disaster.

-------

Back to important things. ;)

It's odd how hiding my feelings from him and from me affected to my life, our lifes, in a negative ways. I lost couple of weeks completely (And I mean _lost_ as I don't even remember those weeks...) as it was devastating to keep inside of me that fact I have lost my heart to him.

How someone can be afraid of love? Yes, easily, I know but on the other hand that sounds so silly.

Back again

I read this blog from start and found interesting dream:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/snowprincipessa/5615.html


I really do have some problem with approving the fact that someone can really have feelings for me, that I am worth loving and have a beautiful soul. I got this SMS from him last night

"Good night :) you have beautiful heart :)"

And my reactions to it were...
1. Oh joy! A SMS!
2. How sweet of him.
3. ...maybe it wasn't ment for me?
4. ...he send it to wrong number....
5. ...What the hell am I thinking? Of course he send it to me. :)

So, here am I blaming totally innocent man for others mistakes. Just because my ex treated me like shit I think that A. will do it to me too... :( I am blaming totally innocent man just because he is a man and I've been treated like shit by some men....

I am a idiot.

...idiot who is falling to him...

I am a prejudicing idiot.

So. I have quite much mental work to do before I am back to normal. It's sad that I have to go trough my mind once again to be happy.

Ok, in fact I am happy now but I can't just enjoy because my mind is little mixed... Which is a pity, really.

It has been a while....

Yes, I am still alive. Very much alive in fact.


It'll be nine weeks today. Someone came and stole my little heart. And soon I maybe'll start to believe that I am not dreaming - when ever that day comes...


I've known him few months and I never thought that he'd be anything else but a buddy of mine. Just a person with whom it was nice to talk in IM now and then when there were nothing else to do. For some reason it's hard to realize that 9 weeks and a day ago he was only a friend. He was only a friend 9 weeks ago when I met him. And after it... nothing has been the same.


I just can't get how it all happened. I know what happened but why and how? In fact I am still little amazed of that. Because it all felt so natural, like things had always been like that between us. (In fact I am still wondering why he invited me to spend an evening with him and his friends. Why me? And why I have to analyze everything into pieces? ;) Which is quite odd and -for some odd reason- quite scary fact in this whole relationship of ours. For the first time of my life I am not scared in a relationship. It's scary that I can trust him, I have no need to doubt him...



And why in earth it is scary? Shouldn't I be extremely pleased about it? Yes, I should but when you're used to be something or do certain things it's hard to notice that it's no more "the way". Maybe I just don't want to be appreciated as myself, maybe I am just afraid of being loved some day.


And apparently I feel unnecessary guilt because I've found someone after just few weeks after my ex moved away. Even my ex has been very encouraging - in fact we're good friends with him nowadays:) - I feel this pressure from surrounding society. And "I didn't plan this", I intended to be alone some time before going back to market. ;) OK, I've heard that you can't plan things like this... odd. :)


I always thought that my mother is very xenophobic - because I have heard her opinions about foreigners- but now... (Maybe I have to thank my 'sis' for coming out of his closet...;) I was very surprised of my mom's reaction when I mentioned to her that he's originally from India. The 'old' version of my mom would have acted quite bad ways, but this 'new' version... She wants to meet him some day. :O
Ok, maybe it affects that he has good, steady job in here and he's well educated, but I think that 'the thing' is that he's good cook - I have mentioned that couple of times. ;) I know that my mom has a weak spot for cooking men. :)


But... I'm SO tired. I think I'll continue later as I have things on my mind still. :)

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

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