It has been a while....

Yes, I am still alive. Very much alive in fact.


It'll be nine weeks today. Someone came and stole my little heart. And soon I maybe'll start to believe that I am not dreaming - when ever that day comes...


I've known him few months and I never thought that he'd be anything else but a buddy of mine. Just a person with whom it was nice to talk in IM now and then when there were nothing else to do. For some reason it's hard to realize that 9 weeks and a day ago he was only a friend. He was only a friend 9 weeks ago when I met him. And after it... nothing has been the same.


I just can't get how it all happened. I know what happened but why and how? In fact I am still little amazed of that. Because it all felt so natural, like things had always been like that between us. (In fact I am still wondering why he invited me to spend an evening with him and his friends. Why me? And why I have to analyze everything into pieces? ;) Which is quite odd and -for some odd reason- quite scary fact in this whole relationship of ours. For the first time of my life I am not scared in a relationship. It's scary that I can trust him, I have no need to doubt him...



And why in earth it is scary? Shouldn't I be extremely pleased about it? Yes, I should but when you're used to be something or do certain things it's hard to notice that it's no more "the way". Maybe I just don't want to be appreciated as myself, maybe I am just afraid of being loved some day.


And apparently I feel unnecessary guilt because I've found someone after just few weeks after my ex moved away. Even my ex has been very encouraging - in fact we're good friends with him nowadays:) - I feel this pressure from surrounding society. And "I didn't plan this", I intended to be alone some time before going back to market. ;) OK, I've heard that you can't plan things like this... odd. :)


I always thought that my mother is very xenophobic - because I have heard her opinions about foreigners- but now... (Maybe I have to thank my 'sis' for coming out of his closet...;) I was very surprised of my mom's reaction when I mentioned to her that he's originally from India. The 'old' version of my mom would have acted quite bad ways, but this 'new' version... She wants to meet him some day. :O
Ok, maybe it affects that he has good, steady job in here and he's well educated, but I think that 'the thing' is that he's good cook - I have mentioned that couple of times. ;) I know that my mom has a weak spot for cooking men. :)


But... I'm SO tired. I think I'll continue later as I have things on my mind still. :)

INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

Last night I had 'interesting' experience. I was thinking about what went wrong in my marriage...
I realized that I never felt needed, almost everything was more important than I was - and when things finally changed I couldn't care less anymore...

For first time in my life I really felt physically sick because of sadness in me. But when I fell asleep I slept better than I have slept in ages. And I saw very interesting dream about one person... It confused me as I trust my dreams... but I am also quite happy because of that dream. Only time will tell how 'true' that one was.

The haze I have been living in this week is gone now. I feel good again. :)

...I am boring... ;)

Love


?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
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Very OT.... not to sensitive persons...

which Ghastly character are you?


this quiz was made by Zaedite

..or depending my answers...






which Ghastly character are you?


this quiz was made by Zaedite

Oh, he is so adorable :)

Even more OT....

A TAN Dragon Lies Beneath!

My inner dragon is the true draconic magic-user. Deep down I am very wise, somewhat shy, and I have a rather short fuse. But don't worry, tans prefer to spend their time counting their enormous treasure, so pass quietly and you'll stay out of danger. Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.

... OT of this day...

Take the quiz: "Which hair color suits your personality?"

Black
Ahhh...Black...a very cool hair color...and A very cool person! You aren't into poems and gushy stuff like the brunette...But you're not out there like the blonde...You are truly cool....WHAT?!?! your hair isn't black??? Well...It SO should be..

More OT

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Very OT again

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studyin

Fourth week has begun. And I am happy.

OT of the day, second and original edition

I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Elf Druid Ranger


Alignment:
Chaotic Neutral characters are unstable, and frequently insane. They believe in disorder first and foremost, and will thus strive for that disorder in everything they do. This means that they will do whatever seems 'fun' or 'novel' at any given time.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Deity:
Silvanus is the True Neutral god of nature. He is also known as the Patron of Druids. His followers believe in the perfect balance of nature, and believe that nature's bounty is preferable to any other 'civilizing' method. They wear leather or metallic scale mail, constructed of leaf-shaped scales. Silvanus's symbol is an oak leaf.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

OT of the day

I Am A: Lawful Good Half-Elf Druid


Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.


Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.


Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan!

It is done now. So many tears cried, so many memories gone trough again. Now only thing I want is go to bed and cry my eyes and heart out. I even consider selling my heart to someone. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to cry these tears.

But who said they'll ask me?

Here we go again...

I was going to bed and noticed that I have received a SMS. It was from 'Him':
'This is not fair. I already miss you. Maybe divorce is not the right solution for us, maybe we just need time and some space of our own.' I think I have to write him a letter and tell why it was impossible to love him. Once again. Maybe he gets it when he sees it written...

How to say to someone you have loved for years that you see no hope for us? Of course I know how to say it, it is just so friggin' hard to do...

So, once again I stay up and write. Once again I stay up and cry my eyes out. Once again I feel miserable... for not loving him.

I understand that it is not easy for him to understand my thoughts, but it is not easy for me to understand some of his actions during our relationship so...

Humans.

I have been single for a week and I am still alive. :) Days are easy but nights.. I don't miss 'Him', I just grave for intimacy/ cuddling. My small mattress is awfully big when night falls, my little bedroom is so huge.

Old problem and only one way to cure it. Few years back it was so easy to cure this feeling, just get a man for one night... but nowadays one night stands aren't my thing. I appreciate love even more now than I used to. Maybe I appreciate it even too much.

My name day

6th of August, Hiroshima remembrance day - and my surnames 7th birthday! \o/ These 7 years with my dear surname have been good, it has been worth 500 FIM/84 euros (...even I did not pay that sum myself..;) to be me. :)

In fact, now I have been Peri longer than I wanted to before I was old enough to change that without guardians permit. \o/ For some reason my father had something against it when I was underage... :P My mom was thrilled when I said I want to get her surname. ;)

And now it seems that there will be soon third Peri in our family. Soon 'all the girls' will be Peri... I just hope that my 'brother' get his TS* diagnose soon - as I know how stressful it is for him to wait that diagnose - and can become what he really is. It is little funny to get sister in this age ;) (Well, as a child I always wanted to have sister so... :)

Being TS's little sister has taught a lot to me. I have realized that when you love someone you really don't give a damn if the one is not 'normal'. And what is normal?
I see this issue like this: he has this disease now, being in wrong genders body, and after diagnose, hormone treatments and final operation he is well first time in his life.

Quite cruel to really start living after you are over 30... But better late than never.

*TS

It is odd how someone you have never ever met can make you feel good about yourself.

I received the most beautiful mail today from completely unknown man. Isn't it odd? There are no words to describe what I want to say now...

I just realized what I have missed these years. Romance. Tons of beautiful words, little something now and then, soft touch... those little things that makes you feel like you are the most important person in this world.

Apparently I found my soft spot again. That is good. I was getting too harsh anyway.

I am crying and I am happy. Finally. :)

I promised to write more later so here am I. :)

It is rather funny to follow how do people react when they find out that I am now (almost officially) single. I knew this will come because humans are what they are. For some reason they think that everyone does things like they do.

Common opinion about me is that I were not serious about my marriage. Other very common opinion is that I have to be cold hearted bastard. Why? Because I am not crying my eyes out or committing a suicide because I am alone.

Fortunately there are few reasonable persons who don't question my reactions or choices - thank you all(, some of you read this blog, I know it. :). :)

Anyway, why should I be devastated? I choose this. And I usually try to take responsibility of that what I do.


Another funny thing I noticed today... For some reason in this week there has been a lot of guys who wanna marry me... Yes, paper marriage guys, visa hunters. I have noticed that they come in cycles. Bad sides of internet. Bad for them, as I usually don't treat those guys very well... ;)

And this heat (OK, 26 C ) is killing me... my brains have melted ages ago... :P So I'll be back ;)

Yes, I am drinking rum with cola and enjoying my first day alone. :) This is first completely sunny day in a month or so, btw. :) No rain, just sunshine.

My calfs are killing me but I am well otherwise. Maybe I talk more later, now I have to sit and relax. :)