It is done now. So many tears cried, so many memories gone trough again. Now only thing I want is go to bed and cry my eyes and heart out. I even consider selling my heart to someone. I don't want to feel this pain, I don't want to cry these tears.

But who said they'll ask me?

Here we go again...

I was going to bed and noticed that I have received a SMS. It was from 'Him':
'This is not fair. I already miss you. Maybe divorce is not the right solution for us, maybe we just need time and some space of our own.' I think I have to write him a letter and tell why it was impossible to love him. Once again. Maybe he gets it when he sees it written...

How to say to someone you have loved for years that you see no hope for us? Of course I know how to say it, it is just so friggin' hard to do...

So, once again I stay up and write. Once again I stay up and cry my eyes out. Once again I feel miserable... for not loving him.

I understand that it is not easy for him to understand my thoughts, but it is not easy for me to understand some of his actions during our relationship so...

Humans.

I have been single for a week and I am still alive. :) Days are easy but nights.. I don't miss 'Him', I just grave for intimacy/ cuddling. My small mattress is awfully big when night falls, my little bedroom is so huge.

Old problem and only one way to cure it. Few years back it was so easy to cure this feeling, just get a man for one night... but nowadays one night stands aren't my thing. I appreciate love even more now than I used to. Maybe I appreciate it even too much.

My name day

6th of August, Hiroshima remembrance day - and my surnames 7th birthday! \o/ These 7 years with my dear surname have been good, it has been worth 500 FIM/84 euros (...even I did not pay that sum myself..;) to be me. :)

In fact, now I have been Peri longer than I wanted to before I was old enough to change that without guardians permit. \o/ For some reason my father had something against it when I was underage... :P My mom was thrilled when I said I want to get her surname. ;)

And now it seems that there will be soon third Peri in our family. Soon 'all the girls' will be Peri... I just hope that my 'brother' get his TS* diagnose soon - as I know how stressful it is for him to wait that diagnose - and can become what he really is. It is little funny to get sister in this age ;) (Well, as a child I always wanted to have sister so... :)

Being TS's little sister has taught a lot to me. I have realized that when you love someone you really don't give a damn if the one is not 'normal'. And what is normal?
I see this issue like this: he has this disease now, being in wrong genders body, and after diagnose, hormone treatments and final operation he is well first time in his life.

Quite cruel to really start living after you are over 30... But better late than never.

*TS

It is odd how someone you have never ever met can make you feel good about yourself.

I received the most beautiful mail today from completely unknown man. Isn't it odd? There are no words to describe what I want to say now...

I just realized what I have missed these years. Romance. Tons of beautiful words, little something now and then, soft touch... those little things that makes you feel like you are the most important person in this world.

Apparently I found my soft spot again. That is good. I was getting too harsh anyway.

I am crying and I am happy. Finally. :)

I promised to write more later so here am I. :)

It is rather funny to follow how do people react when they find out that I am now (almost officially) single. I knew this will come because humans are what they are. For some reason they think that everyone does things like they do.

Common opinion about me is that I were not serious about my marriage. Other very common opinion is that I have to be cold hearted bastard. Why? Because I am not crying my eyes out or committing a suicide because I am alone.

Fortunately there are few reasonable persons who don't question my reactions or choices - thank you all(, some of you read this blog, I know it. :). :)

Anyway, why should I be devastated? I choose this. And I usually try to take responsibility of that what I do.


Another funny thing I noticed today... For some reason in this week there has been a lot of guys who wanna marry me... Yes, paper marriage guys, visa hunters. I have noticed that they come in cycles. Bad sides of internet. Bad for them, as I usually don't treat those guys very well... ;)

And this heat (OK, 26 C ) is killing me... my brains have melted ages ago... :P So I'll be back ;)

Yes, I am drinking rum with cola and enjoying my first day alone. :) This is first completely sunny day in a month or so, btw. :) No rain, just sunshine.

My calfs are killing me but I am well otherwise. Maybe I talk more later, now I have to sit and relax. :)

...all of them idiots...

How shallow can human be?

I had a conversation with Him and He told what his friend had said to Him when He told we are going to divorce: 'You could find someone better...' Ok, maybe that is only that 'don't worry, there is plenty of fish in the sea' or, as He get it 'She is not good enough (too ugly) for you.' I also heard that one of my neighbors has said similar thing about me - even that one is just normal middle aged man (bad skin, overweight, redneck...). They have also assumed that we are together just for sex.

I got mad, He is too. Apparently some people are so shallow/ stupid that they really think that somebody can be with someone for six years only for sex. And if they think I am not attractive why do they think that? ;)

Fortunately I know the truth. And He agrees with it. 'You are beautiful. You can't be unattractive if I have always enjoyed to have sex with you and lived with you for so long.' :) That was nice thing to say. Maybe it don't sound like it but I know Him. That was compliment from Him. ;)

Funny thing is also that I hear almost daily that I am attractive. :)

Anyway, I am rather intelligent that attractive but... ;)

What is your emo band name? by spiralinghalo
Your band name is:	Boy Sets Table
You sound like:	Unwritten Law
You will be signed to:	Equal Vision Records
Your emo lyrics are:	"I cry for every tear you make me produce"
Name:
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Apparently I can stop crying and start to laugh... This is getting hilarious. Now I am glad that I made that application.

...and now I have to remember if I meet someone interesting that his mom should be dead or at least she should live somewhere far away from here. :P

Love... like life is a bitch.

But why there is hate after love with some people? I don't hate him. I don't believe that. Hate destroys very easily.
Maybe I am naive but as far as I see it there can't be nothing worth to hate in him because I have loved him so much. And now my heart is aching because he apparently hates me... Why he does it? After all, and no matter what, these 5½ years were best in my life.

...at least I have learned something. Hopefully.

And no matter how naive I may sound but I still believe in love, I still believe in marriage. Why couldn't there be 'eternal' love and lasting marriage? At least that is my silly idealistic thought.

...maybe there is something wrong with me because I don't want to blame neither of us? He have done wrong, I have done wrong - but most fatal thing to us was mistrust. And when I told that to him - yes, it is my view, it isn't the whole truth - I was the meanest little liar in this universe. I was that cold hearted woman who never gave any tenderness to him - it was me who teach him to enjoy tenderness, at least he has said so...

HOw is it possible that every little oddity in me is now something awful and weird? Not so long time ago he loved those.

I can make only one decision... even he agreed that if I want to apply for divorce it is OK for him, it wasn't. After that he became crazy.

And made me awfully sad.

..and everything was fine until today.

And now I feel like shit. I have cried almost whole day... Now I am liar, hypocrite and cold person. We have been arguing by SMS whole day and I am finished.

I wouldn't never believe that a man who claims he still loves me can be so cruel to me. Maybe I am asshole, but generally I don't believe that.
Everything he has done wrong is my fault for some twisted reason. And when I say what I have done wrong he claims that I bathe in self pity. And after that he wants me to admit what I have done wrong... OMG! I just can't understand that man anymore.

...and I feel so bad....

I really did it! In fact I even surprised myself by doing it. And I have to say that it was hardest thing I have ever done - even I feel quite good now - and I really do hope that I don't need to fill divorce application never again.

So, in the beginning of February I will be free as a bird - as I have to wait six months and consider...:P

Even I promised that I consider our divorce after he moves away, it feels now that I would really like to do that now. But he isn't here and it would be approriate to speak with him before getting those papers.

This feels odd as I would have ever even thought that I will think like this some day.
But now I have this feeling that I have to go on. Go on and get happy.
This thought feels so good, I am so calm.

There have to be something wrong with me. As this isn't the way I usually handle emotional things... I am not panicing, crying my eyes out. I am just calm.

Maybe I should sleep the night and get those papers today if I still feel like this. :)

Even my relationship status is in front of law 'married' I am not married anymore. I realized that today. I don't want to be close to him anymore. Apparently he doesn't want to be close to me either so... He came back from his dads place today but he didn't go home - he went to see his grandma. Again. For some reason this is very sad situation. But it is better to feel sad now than be miserable for the rest of our lives.

I feel bad because I know that he still loves me. He is miserable because of me.

Being truthful to yourself is hard task. Even truth sets us free.

"The misanthrope hates not man. The misanthrope hates idiocy, stupidity, self-righteousness, authoritarianism, selfishness, greed, ignorance, dishonesty, cant, and balderdash. All of these he hates rightfully. The problem is that all of these are shared by no other member of the animal kingdom but man. And the misanthrope does not entertain the vain hope that these traits will ever stop determining man's behavior." (From 'My Life with Thrill Kill Karl')

For once someone has found the truthful explanation for misanthropy. Maybe I am not that bad person anyway because I dislike human idiocy. In fact I found it quite amusing that I am socially very talented and emphatic, but I have just this one problem... Humans.

Some people wonder why I have so little social contacts. Mainly I wonder how that can be problem to some complete stranger when it isn't that great problem to me. I just try to avoid palpitation by staying away from 'normal' people. I can't give them nothing, they can't give me nothing. At least that is how I feel. For me it is impossible to think life without meaning, life without thinking.
And... I am completely happy when I have at least one friend who understand me. One person who knows me and loves me anyway. One person with whom I can talk about anything and laugh to anything. And that one doesn't even need to live where I live. That suits for me. I have my peace and anyway it is possible to interact with that person almost when ever I want to. And vice versa.

I am abnormal because I think, because I use my brains. Ok, there is nothing wrong but my gender just happens to be wrong. :D For some reason it is difficult to 'locals' when woman uses her brains and admits it.

Sometimes I think I may sound quite bitter person. Maybe I am, but I really don't think so. I happen to like me and I know that there is people out there who appreciate me for what I am. That makes my heart smile. :)

I've packed his stuff today and now I feel quite.. not sad but I am not very cheerful or happy like I usually am.

And like that weren't enough... there is so much hatred in this world, in people, that my little mind can't really understand it all. Ok, hate is feeling and I try to approve it because of that but why they hate me even they don't know me? And why? Because I happen to be intelligent and WOMAN. Frigging odd. Ok, I know that most humans can't stand intelligent people in general... but anyway. So, people make me feel miserable just because I am intelligent. Like that is my fault... sometimes it would be so much easier without brains and heart.

*sigh*

I don't miss sex that much and that is quite ood in fact when we are talking about me... I miss tenderness and intimacy... but not just any type of them, I need those seasoned with love.
It is awful to sleep when no one isn't holding you close to him, or have his hand on your hip while you sleep. The lack of togetherness is awful...
There is no one when you go to sleep, no one when you wake up. No one to laugh or cry with.

My skin is lonely... it needs touching, caressing...

I miss loving someone. And now it is even harder than before as I know what I want and that is a lot, maybe even too much... At least now it feels that world is full of idiots and most of those idiots are after sex. Nothing against it but love first... I am quite old-fashioned nowadays. :)

He is away for about three weeks. First I felt miserable for being alone but then I realized that I am free. Free to do what ever I want to do. I am relieved.

Of course I miss his presence as I am used to it. But finally I feel free to do things... like rearrange furniture etc. :) As I just can't do anything when he is at home. It is odd, really. I have done more today than I have done in last week... Why he has that bad influence on me?

I feel guilty for being happy because he is not here but I know that there's nothing wrong in it.

I have been quiet almost three weeks. Well, life is quite hard sometimes...

He got an apartment, rented it from his dad. Even I feel happy I feel extremely sad. Of course this is hard for me. I would be scared if it would be easy. Now I just have so many practical issues to handle. I have to have new lease to this apartment, even it feels extremely odd. Well, I have to do it in the morning. No matter how hard it feels.